I’m uncomfortable talking about Nice Guys of OKC. It’s a tumblr blog where the author posts snippets from men’s OKCupid profiles (along with their photographs) and humiliates them. She/he picks up on guys who say they’re ‘nice’, and can’t understand why they’ve been ‘friend-zoned’ by women. Men who say they’ll treat women right and love them and respect them and then answer questions like ‘do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?’ with shitty answers like ‘yes.’
It’s uncomfortable because I don’t like the idea of humiliating people – real people, alongside photos of their actual face – on the internet. But it’s also uncomfortable because, well, the author has a point.
Nice guys and sex blogging
I’ve met ‘nice guys’ like this before: men who can’t comprehend why I – a sex blogger, for crying out loud – won’t have sex with them. The understandable upset caused by a ‘no’ is compounded by the fact that they’ve previously spent happy hours wanking to the words I write on the internet. Men who’d previously have just been confused or hurt by a ‘no’ become outraged: “but you’re a slut, right? You fuck everyone, right? So why not me?”
Here’s a secret that’s not-so-secret: I love fucking and I love guys, and I am more than comfortable fucking guys I’ve only just met. So when I tell you that I’m not going to shag you, it’s not because I don’t fancy a shag, it’s because I don’t fancy you. Upsetting though that is, I don’t owe you a fuck just because you want one.
Nice Guys of OKC highlights men who find these ‘no’s incredibly difficult to accept: the ones who think that, if they’re nice enough to women and tick a set of chivalry boxes, that woman is not just bound to shag them but – to a certain extent at least – obliged to.
Do you think you’re one of these people? Have you ever been in a position where a woman tells you ‘no, but let’s be friends’ and you want to tear down the walls, screaming blue murder at the sheer injustice of it?
I won’t humiliate you on the internet, but to try and help you understand the situation I’ve constructed a quick FAQ.
Why do women put me in the ‘friend zone’?
They don’t. At no point does a woman meet a decent guy and go ‘well, we could have a relationship but instead I’m going to make a conscious decision to only ever be friends with this person.’ What’s happening here isn’t a deliberate act of malice, it’s a simple fact of life: she doesn’t fancy you.
And it just so happens that it’s easier to say ‘let’s be friends’ than ‘at no point have I ever felt the temptation to sit on your dick.’
Why do ‘nice guys finish last’?
They don’t. Every guy I’ve ever fucked has been nice. I wouldn’t have fucked him if he weren’t. That thing you find frustrating? That women always seem to end up with arseholes? It’s just a trick of the mind, and it happens because women usually end up with humans – flawed humans who make mistakes and fuck up, like everyone does.
And when her boyfriend or lover fucks up, when their relationship ends (as the vast majority of relationships inevitably do), she’ll come to you – her friend – and tell you about his flaws.
Why do so many women I meet just want to be friends?
Maybe you’re a friendly guy. No, I’m serious – perhaps you are someone whose friendship and niceness is valuable to them. In which case: congratulations, you are quite nice.
However, the use of the word ‘just’ in front of ‘friends’? That sort of makes you a dick. Essentially what you’re saying is ‘your friendship is of very low value to me, because it doesn’t come with sexual strings attached.’ Are you fucking surprised that she doesn’t want to have sex with you? You clearly don’t think much of her.
Hey, I’ve been her friend for ages and let her cry on my shoulder and stuff, why won’t she fuck me?
Because, unless you are a sex worker, sex isn’t a transactional thing. There isn’t a rule whereby if you do X and Y, a woman is obliged to do Z. Hug all you like, comfort all you like, at no point is she ever obliged to fuck you.
Aside: at no point is a sex worker obliged to fuck you either. If you pay them for sex and they change their mind, guess what? The most you’re entitled to is a refund.
So, you’re saying that if I fancy one of my friends I’m a dick?
Nope. Just because some guys get angry about being ‘just’ friends with a girl, that doesn’t mean you’re an arsehole if you’re in love with your best friend. Fancying your friends is cool. Acting as if you deserve anything from your friends purely because you have a boner for them? That’s where it all goes wrong.
So how do I make a move on a friend without being a dick about it?
If you’ve got a good friend who you think might just be the love of your life, and someone with whom you can build a beautiful thing together, instead of sitting on the sidelines simmering bitterly about his/her other relationships, how about you just come out and ask?
“You know, I think you’re amazing and I’d really like to take things further. How about it?”
See that question mark at the end, though? That’s key. You’re not at any point going to say “we’ve been friends for ages, it’s about time we fucked” because that is a dick move, contravening the rules we’ve discussed above. It has to be a question – a real question, in which you accept the possibility that there’ll be an answer you don’t like.
What’s the difference between a genuinely nice guy and an arsehole? Both of them hope for a ‘yes’, but the nice guy will accept that ‘no’ is also a legitimate answer.