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On sexy accents

The other day a guy jokingly told me to ‘get tae fuck’ in a drawling Scottish accent. It was so thick and deep and heavy I felt like I was being beaten with it. His words were good, but his accent laced them with a thoroughly silky sexuality that left me reeling a bit. In my fevered imagination later that day, the guys who play out porn scenes in my head adopted the same sexy accent – rolling their rs as they pounded six shades of fuck into me.

Is it a direct association? One of the men I have loved deeply in my life was Scottish. I sat for hours with him on the phone, enjoying even his most tedious of stories as he muttered them down the earpiece and directly into my brain. But it can’t all be down to direct association – some of my favourite sexy accents come not because I’ve fucked a speaker but just because I’ve listened in gaping, lustful awe as a hot guy on telly spits sexy rage in a specific dialect.

My own accent is – for the most part – boring. It swings between posh-phone-voice and drunken slag, depending on how many glottalstops I bother to suppress. I’m sad to have no sexy voice of my own to exchange with gorgeous men, but for the record here is a subjective and inexhaustive list of five sexy accents that make my legs quiver.

Top five sexy accents

5. Southern US

Spot five on my ‘sexy accents’ list swaps in and out depending on my mood, and is usually dictated by the latest sexy thing I’ve seen on telly. Currently it’s the Walking Dead, in which Daryl Dixon plays a crossbow-toting, hunt-and-shoot sex God of undeniably epic proportions. His accent isn’t thick, but there’s just enough of just the right tone to make me imagine him drawling ‘git back here, woman’ as I get out of bed.

4. Irish

I KNOW RIGHT. I am as shocked as you that this doesn’t take the top spot. For years Ireland has reigned as the country with the sexiest accents, and not just because of amazing sex words like ‘ride’ and ‘lad‘. From Irish barmaids offering to top up your pint to Irish gentlemen offering to get on their knees and pleasure you with their grinning, eager face, most people I know have had a fantasy about someone inviting them to bed with lilting, singsong tones. It’s up there as one of my favourites, though, and I think it always will be.

3. Scottish

I don’t blame you guys if you vote for independence I just… can I make a small request? Don’t be strangers. Call us up every once in a while and say ‘pish’ down the phone, and bark sexy swearwords into our eager ears, because everyone knows Scottish is officially The Best Accent To Swear In. In fact, even if you do vote for independence, I will still love you just as much as I do right now – I think we’ll reach Peak Excellent Swearing Point if an entire country full of Scots rise up as one and, in a booming, angry voice, tell England to “get tae fuck.”

2. Northern

Say ‘butty’ – go on. Say ‘last’. Say ‘bastard’. Say ‘I’m going to fuck you nice and deep in the cunt.’ If you’re crooning these words and phrases in a creamy Lancashire accent, congratulations: you are sexy. You have a sexy, sexy, sexy accent and I want to eat you all up.

1. German

German is given a really fucking bad press as being an ‘ugly’ language, and it’s always annoyed me a bit. Sure, if all you watch is Nazi documentaries on the History channel it’s probably hard to find German sexy – it will have far too many negative associations, and a distinct lack of poetry. But listen to the amazing soundtrack to the spectacular musical ‘Cabaret’ and suddenly it becomes a silky, soft, yet powerful accent. Combining gentle ‘ch’ and ‘ssh’ noises with hard ‘ah’s and sibilant ‘ist’s. I cannot get enough of it.

Before I die, I want to find a man who speaks German and loves spanking. I will seduce him with cake and promises, and he’ll return the favour by whispering gentle filth at me while I suck him off. Then he’ll beat me with a belt while counting ‘eins, zwei, drei’, just to give me a benchmark against which to compare all other sex.

33 Comments

  • Having lived in the deep south, I concur that that is one sexy accent.
    But I’m a sucker for accents anyhow.

  • Rachel says:

    This post makes me chuckle and reminisce about the many men who’ve asked me to tell them they’re ‘naughty’ in my Geordie accent…..

    Nawt-ee

  • Fred says:

    Disagree about Southern US. As Jeff Foxworthy once said you don’t want to hear your surgeon talking in a Deep South accent. I’d have to add Russian to that list but that could be as I’m a guy that loves the female Russian accent.

    • Azkyroth says:

      Gonna have to agree with this. Unfortunately, I associate “Southern” accents with Southern US culture a bit too much.

  • TommyOD says:

    Eh Hmmm…Northern?!? Northern?!? Indeed! Then of all places to top it off Lancashire. That’s just dirty (and not in a GOTN good way!)! Everyone knows Yorkshire is the best accent, not them filthy folk from t’other side of Pennines! I’m deeply disappointed for Northern to lumped in as one!

    • Girl on the net says:

      Amazing. I thought I’d cause controversy with Scottish independence but clearly it’s northern pride that fucks me here. Tbh, I’m a southern twat so anything north of Watford sounds fit to me =)

      • TommyOD says:

        No no, not Northern Pride! Yorkshire pride ;) Lancashire’s (spitting at the thought of even typing the name!) is just wrong :P

        I’d agree you’re Southern…twat…nope, just missing out on God’s own County ;)

  • Welsh does it for me; think it’s something to do with Twin Town. Love that film, plus Rhys Ifans is a filthy shaggable rock n roll scarecrow, of course

  • ragbonehair says:

    I’ll agree with most of these (apart from Northern which is my dad’s accent so that kinda kills it for me), and I’m very pleased with having a Scottish bloke of my own to whisper sweary sweet nothings at me ;)

    I would also add French to this. It’s a cliché but it’s one for a reason!

  • Bobbi says:

    I don’t know if this counts as Deep South US, but a thick, drawling Cajun accent leaves me weak at the knees. Perhaps it was my childhood crush on Gambit from X-Men..

  • R says:

    I met up with a man from Glasgow for a kink session recently. I still shiver thinking about how his voice sounded when he was telling me what to do, and calling me a slut; gentle and gravelly and dark. There’s something about it – it’s oddly musical and low and lilting. Mmm. Hope I get to meet up with him again.

  • Caramella says:

    Add me to the “Scottish accents make my knickers damp” camp. There’s probably some conflict given my dad is a Scot (in my defence, I really don’t hear his accent), but ye gods, when one of my online Edinburgh lads sent me a wanking video, his moans and ‘oh fuck’s just about put me over the edge.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Thanks a bunch, Carmella. Now I have to do an entire day’s work with the filthy-hot image of Edinburgh guys wanking going round in my head – I’ll get nothing done =)

  • Blue Romantic says:

    Musha, obviously… ;-)

  • drooster says:

    Entschuldigung.
    Wie komme Ich am besten zum ihr bahnhof bitter?

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ich habe ein kaninchen.*

      *pretty much the only thing I can remember from German lessons at school.

      • drooster says:

        Haha. Yep, mine was thanks to the lovely but slighty hairy Frau Raube, our German exchange tutor. Now she probably could’ve taught a fair bit about dominance over naughty school boys!

  • Louise says:

    No such accent as ‘Northern’ you know… How ridiculous. Are you an ignorant southerner by any chance who thinks Geordie, Scouse, Manc and Yorkshire all sound the same and are just spoken in one big city called ‘Not London’? Give me strength.

    • Girl on the net says:

      There’s also no such accent as ‘Scottish’, because it is divided into regions and the accent’s different depending on where you go. Oh, and also ‘Irish’. Oh, and also ‘German’. Etc etc. But cheers for assuming I’m a total cunt.

  • Scott says:

    I’m pleasantly surprised to see a ‘Scottish’ accent has such high appeal! I’ve always lived with the assumption that our accents were quite harsh and were nothing special in comparison with the more lyrical Irish and Welsh and the sheer variety of English variations.

    Also, for the record – I’m voting NO!

  • Scott says:

    ***
    Also, @Louise – the idea of any English person classing themselves as a ‘Northerner’ to bash ‘ignorant southerners’ is quite ridiculous, you’re all southerners…

    ***

  • Mr Archer says:

    Liverpudlian accents. A girl with a Liverpudlian accent can just talk, and i get a raging hard on to the point my sppech impediment goes completely. Talking with a girl from Liverpool almost feels like sex.

    Which is weird, but hey ho…

  • Stephanie says:

    I am Canadian, and I met my English husband online over 6 years ago. At the time, he was living in Scotland. When I first heard his voice (reading an erotic story to me in a recorded mp3), I threw myself onto my bed and wanked. I went over for a two week visit…and never left.

  • Fit like quinie, und wie gehts?

    Yes, for the record, I’m Scottish, spreche Deutsch and enjoy handing out a good spanking.

    Need I say more?

    HH

    • Girl on the net says:

      I was going to ask you to marry me, but I suspect that’d be inappropriate to do via the medium of blog comments =)

  • Shannon says:

    Oh god for me, David Tennant’s accent just sends me weak at the knees.

    I have a question. I’m a northern lancashire lass, but I’m a girl. Do I still have a sexy,sexy accent?

    • Girl on the net says:

      Sure! Accents can be sexy regardless of the gender of the speaker. I generally fancy dudes, but Sally’s German accent on the Broadway recording of Cabaret sends me weak at the knees =)

  • Serocco says:

    Mmmm, for me, English takes it. Those smooth, refined, slightly haughty accents really get me.

  • Funloving Girl says:

    OMFG, I always love reading your column GOTN but now think perhaps we must be twins separated at birth!! I have just dropped my sexy, German, BDSM-loving man off at the airport to fly home to Deutschland after a couple of kinky days together. I thought mo one else would understand this… But when he tells me to “vank myself” but “do not come” the sexiness is off the scale. (And no, I am absolutely not sharing him!!…)

  • Sandro says:

    It’s fun how opposites can attract – for me as a german speaking guy it’s always been the other way around. I love it to have an english speaking girl saying “please more sir”. But maybe that’s just from watching too much porn…

  • Jo says:

    Have you been watching Penny Dreadful? Josh Hartnett is being all Southern in that and it is… effective.

  • LadyGloriana says:

    I learned German because Heine, my pen pal’s older brother’s friend, had the sexiest accent. I had the most intensive fling with a German who can (19 years later) still reduce me to a sticky mess and a sleekit grin by telling me ‘ich will Dich verschlingen’.

    I can bring the Boy to near instant submission with a well – honed ‘auf die Kneen Hüre’.

    Nothing bar nothing beats German for out and out sexiness.

  • The One says:

    Recently my favourite regional accent is Liverpool. I could listen to those guys talk all day, just melting in a pool of my own insides.

    As an extension of the theme of accents, I’d also venture that foreign languages make my innards convulse like a punch. I once slept with a man who talked dirty to me in Dutch, to shivering messy effect. What was he saying? Didn’t even matter.

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