Sex toy Blue Peter, and DIY bondage

“What’s that?” I ask him, pointing to a bundle of canvas ropes, some big metal clips, and a hand crank that makes a delicious ‘rrrrk’ sound when you ratchet it along the fabric. My immediate thoughts turn to DIY bondage…

“It’s a thing to tie stuff up with.” He replied, looking at me like I was wilfully misunderstanding him. Which, to be fair, I was.

“What do you tie with it?” I asked, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the bollocks.

“Bikes,” he said firmly. “You use it to secure bikes to cars so that they don’t fall off when you’re driving along the motorway.”

“Could we use it for…”

“NO.”

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE SO UNFAIR.”

DIY bondage and DIY shagging

I like using things that weren’t specifically designed for kink. It’s an intriguing challenge to repurpose wooden spoons (spanking paddles), canvas belts (spanking tools and things with which to strap people to the footboard of the bed) and laptop cables (whippy things, but not too hard because they’re pretty bloody painful). But I’d never before found anything that so perfectly meshed with a very particular fantasy.

It’s the crushing, you see.

I want to be restrained – helpless and tied and strapped so tight all I can do is push against the bonds as he fucks me. But I also love that crushing feeling in my chest – squashing my tits in the same way a tight corset would.

I persuaded him eventually.

After about half an hour of working out how the ratchet things worked, we managed to get some semblance of a sex set-up – blue canvas straps secured tightly to the bed, at roughly the places where my chest and ankles should be.

My cunt was wet.

I know, I know, it’s essentially just a set of bike rack straps. But the thought of them pressing firmly into my chest while he fucked me with the rapid, functional strokes of a guy who just wants to get off…? It presses so many of my buttons.

I slipped under the restraints, and he tightened them. Thick, flat, cold canvas pressed across my chest, holding me to the bed and making it hard for me to breathe. My ankles were tied more firmly – what felt like hundreds of cranks to get the straps tight enough to feel a bit of pressure. Even then I could have slipped out if I wanted to – I just didn’t want to.

The addition of a small amount of rope and a few well-placed knots meant my ankles were spread in position – legs wide open across the bed, chest strapped down and tits straining against the ties. I could have moved if I wanted to, but he fucked me like I couldn’t. As I came, I breathed in – a huge gulp of air to fill my lungs and push my chest even tighter into the straps.

DIY bondage vs the real thing

If I were a sex toy reviewer, I’d feel compelled to give this product a six out of ten and a lengthy explanation of exactly why it didn’t work. Luckily, though, I’m not. I’ll point out that this Blue Peter do-it-yourself bondage fuck lacked a hell of a lot when it came to practicality:

  • it took fucking ages to set up, and became less sexy because I’d had to spend twenty minutes unwinding strap from the weird ratchet mechanism
  • it probably wasn’t the safest thing in the world, given that there was no quick-release mechanism but no matter because…
  • it didn’t actually get as tight as I wanted it to and
  • I could essentially have escaped at any time, for the simple reason that this product was not actually designed to restrain a human. Finally, but importantly…
  • it chafed my tits a bit

HOWEVER, what it lacked in these things, it basically made up for by being joyously new. The exciting feeling of discovering something, letting the pervy cogs of your brain work through the possibilities, then allowing a lightbulb to come on in your head before declaring “we could totally fuck with this.”

Sadly, though, that experience can only ever be had once. What excited me the first time would piss me off the second. My delighted “baby LOOK WHAT I FOUND!” would quickly give way to “mate, why the FUCK can’t I get this harness attached?” and other cries of unsexy frustration. I’ll have happy memories of being strapped down to the bed, but ultimately when the boy and I fancied a dirty fuck later in the day, we resorted to the tried-and-tested ‘oh yes please oh Christ’ delights of our spreader bar.

DIY bondage is awesome, but some things you just can’t make yourself.

Edited to add You won’t believe this but there is ACTUALLY SUCH A THING as a kinky merit badge.

20 Comments

  • Blogwars says:

    Have you ever visited B&Q or similar type store? I think it would put your imagination into overdrive!

  • Kitty says:

    An engineers aluminium ruler is an excellent spanking toy.

  • RB says:

    First time I was ever spanked with an object was a guy with some kind of flat metal spatula thing he’d bought at Ikea. As he put it, “It looks like it’s DESIGNED for it!”

    I keep seeing found/household items and imagining what they’d feel like hitting me; my arse, my thighs, my tits. My brain has been ruined (enhanced?) by kink.

  • Yingtai says:

    A friend of mine is starting a Pervertibles Recon Squad over here. We’re planning to visit hardware stores and swap ideas in whispers. Clearly I must point out the possibilities of bike stores!

    • Girl on the net says:

      Haha! Although I should definitely make it clear that while the bike things were cool, they aren’t quite as practical/comfortable as the real thing!

  • Jill says:

    I once had a wonderful experience with the thingy used to open and close blinds. It makes an interesting cane — the marks lasted for weeks. Bungy cords are my current fantasy…

    • Girl on the net says:

      Oooh, I have to say the blinds opener thing had never occurred to me, but then I don’t tend to like whippy pain. Nice DIY kink work, though =)

  • Fiddy says:

    I think the most extreme/novel restraints I’ve ever used was a combination of her own hair (Really long on a short body) and I think it was her own panties stuffed in her mouth as a gag. I didn’t use a spreader cause I cant bend her in the ways I want that way.

    Added excitement was that it was on a beach, in a corner where no one ever came or would see us in. Hence the need for creativity. She complained about the hair but it worked surprisingly well. If she tried getting out it would pull her hair too much and it’d hurt for her. Only problem was unknotting the thing after. Hair is kinda hard to handle like rope when unknotting.

  • Adam says:

    This. The crushing thing is kinda why I like restraint with inflatables. They have an all-round pressure and a novelty that I really love.

  • Molly says:

    You are aware that B&Q and Homebase are actually kinky fetish equipment stores right? You can buy chain… lovely, long, noisy chain than you can wander round the shop twisted round yourself as there is no other way to carry it….. knowing that when you get home…. it will be used to pin you down to the bed. Oh and you can buy the large screws and ‘clippy things’ there too which you can drill into the bedframe and the possibilities are then endless….. and that is only ONE of the joys of a good Fet (DIY) store

    Mollyxxx

  • Mike says:

    Always had a thing for ratchet straps, I have a photo of myself helping myself while strapped to a bed
    If you pair them with shackles they are great, use them to stretch yourself spreadeagled, you won’t move.

  • J says:

    Hello, how fabulous to see our badges mentioned on your site.

    As well as being one half of the team that created the Kinky Merit Badges, I’m a huge fan of your writing :). I would be delighted to send you a set of our badges, along with the latest designs we’ve just taken delivery of and which aren’t yet on our website.

    If you’d like them, please just email our info email address with a postal address and I’ll get them sent out to you.

    All the very best and thanks for mentioning us,

    J.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Wow – thank you so much! That’s really kind of you! I reckon by the rule book I probably don’t deserve all of them =) I’ll drop you an email tomorrow! X

  • J says:

    You could give them to whoever you currently play with and earn them one by one in a manner of their, and your, choosing. Or vice versa :)

  • how about keeping her quiet,you have,nt mention gags ay all. please do cause they are so sexy,

    • Girl on the net says:

      They’re easier though – can just use clothing etc. If you search ‘gag’ on the site you’ll find plenty of mentions!

    • you must use a gag,it keeps her quiet and makes my man even more sexy as I cant say anything to him while we fuck.Scarfs,panties,anyting you can taer off her body will suffice.Duck tape or medical tape is tops.

      • Girl on the net says:

        *with pre-arranged consent* of course, and a safe way to know if they need you to remove it. i.e. a pre-agreed signal so you know when to take the gag off if they need you to.

        Also duct tape isn’t great as it can be very painful when you take it off. However, some tapes you can ‘desensitise’ a bit beforehand by sticking to something and removing some of the extra-strength stickiness.

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