So, that sexual fantasy list has been doing the rounds. A bunch of people did a study on sexual fantasies, asking another bunch of people to rate various desires on a scale based on how much they wanted to do them.
It’s great, because:
a) it’s allowed countless news outlets to go ‘OMG loads of people want to get fucked by a stranger!’ and
b) it gives me an excellent thing with which to gauge just how well my next blog about piss play will go down (not that well, but better than anything on goatfucking).
Essentially, it’s a long and indulgent list of some of my favourite things, many of which turn out to be more popular than I’d previously thought (well over a quarter of people fantasise about swinging, for example). It also – like most scientific and sexual things – gave me a thrill of joy to hear pervery discussed in the language of the academics. “Being masturbated by an acquaintance,” is up there as one of my favourite new phrases.
Problems with listing ‘sexual fantasies’
However, despite my feeling that it’s generally A Good Thing, I have a couple of problems with the sexual fantasies study.
Firstly, loads of people are discussing it under the headline ‘are your fantasies NORMAL?‘ or ‘is your sexual fantasy WEIRD?‘ as if you need to go and check your dreams off against a master list to determine your worth as a human. While this might be helpful for some who are nervous about their sexual fantasies, keeping them secret because they fear someone going ‘Christ you’re such an oddball,’ there’s no point saying ‘hey look these are pretty common’ if you end up throwing those people who have less common fantasies under the bus. It can be good to know how likely it is that we’ll meet someone who has a matching fetish, but implying that those less-common fantasies are ‘weird’ is pretty damn annoying.
Secondly, and more pressingly for a perv like me, I’m bothered by the fact that the fantasies are so broad. Because of this, the list isn’t not nearly as sexy as it could be. Lots of people might tick ‘threesome with two guys’ when presented with the option, but people’s mental lives are often interesting in ways that any tickbox list will struggle to capture. I appreciate that this isn’t the fault of the people who carried out the study – if they’d included every possible fantasy no one would ever have got to the end of the list.
But while I might be well up for being masturbated by an acquaintance (and likely I’d have performed that survey by hitting ‘check all’ then just unticking the few that didn’t appeal), my actual fantasies are a bit more complicated than that. Acquaintance-wanking sounds fun, but it’s not something I regularly think about when I’m rubbing one out. If I were asked to sum up some of my filthier fantasies, I’d be less likely to say that I fantasise about shagging someone older, and more likely to say ‘I think about being defiled by someone in authority, while a junior or subordinate watches, as if he’s being instructed in how to fuck me.’
Sexual fantasies that will never make the list
So with that in mind, here are some things that will never get onto any sexual fantasy list. They’re pretty damn common, but possibly only in the porn cinema which plays in my own head.
- The tickling spray of jizz that squirts onto one of my nipples when the end of someone’s dick is pressed against it.
- The phrase ‘stay still while I fuck you.’
- A dude coming out of a particularly stressful business meeting and plunging his cock into my mouth to relieve the tension.
- Wanking in the back of science lessons and getting made to do it again so the headmaster can look on disapprovingly.
- Being made to say ‘thank you.’
- Having a guy with an erection press it against me on the tube while looking at me with begging eyes.
- Being strapped to a sofa while guys take it in turns to fuck my cunt.
- Being tied into a kneeling parcel while guys take it in turns to fuck my throat.
- A rugby team.
- A bunch of guys enjoying a sit-down three-course meal, during which my role is to sit under the table and suck them off throughout.
- Getting fucked in the kitchen while a guy pushes cake into my face.
- Preventing a guy from wanking for a month then making him come with a two-second lubed-up handjob.
Fantasy vs reality
As ever, when I mention certain things I’m obliged to point out that just because I fantasise about it, doesn’t mean I’d actually want it to happen. In real life, tube-boner guys are more intimidating than they are arousing, and wanking in front of my actual headteacher is making my face ache with cringe just thinking about it. But one of the good things about the study is that it highlighted that many people didn’t want all of their fantasies to come true. A quote from the Indy article:
“A significant proportion of women (30 per cent to 60 per cent) had fantasies involving elements of submission – but many also specified that they never wanted these to come true.”
While I want most of my submissive fantasies to come true, I certainly wouldn’t stand by all of them, and I think this is something we often forget when we’re talking about fantasy. So often we tie up what happens in our heads with what happens in real life that it’s easy to forget that one of the best things about our mental life is that it doesn’t have to come true if we don’t want it to.
So while it’s crap that much of the discussion around this study is focused on ‘whether you’re weird or normal,’ it’s great that people are starting to recognise that fantasy means something slightly different to ‘bucket list.’ In my brain I can explore all the dark and dirty things I like, have sexual adventures beyond the realms of probability and occasionally even possibility, yet come back to reality the second I take my hand out of my knickers.
Even better, if you never know what my fantasy was, and I’ll never know about yours, we can all be as ‘weird’ or ‘normal’ as we like.