If you want to find out just how interesting people can be, and just how many people share similar hot fantasies, you could look in worse places than a sex blog’s search bucket. People type all manner of excellent things into Google and eventually end up at my site – from ‘100 girl orgy’ to ‘my wife fucking a butternut squash.’
So I thought I’d do a bit of a meta-post looking at some of the cooler ones, and given that it’s nearly Christmas I’ve given them a festive theme. I know, right? If I shoehorn any more topical relevance into this post they’ll feature it on Sky News.
I’m obliged to do something Christmassy, though, and given that I’ve already written a Christmas gift guide, I thought I’d combine my love of Google Analytics and my desire for festive singalongs, and replace the lyrics to ’12 days of Christmas’ with sex blog search terms people have used over the last year. Sing it in your head to the tune or all my work will have been wasted.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
12” cock sex stories
jizz 2011
10 second come wank
erections i9n public
str8 boy butt plug
7 myths about strip clubs
my 6 boys fuck me
50 shades of dick porn
halo 4 blowjob
3 magic words
2 girls spit on cock
and a 1st date fingering
If you want more brilliant search terms, here are a few highlights from the things I collected, based on data from Google Analytics. I filtered by number (“12”, “11”, “10”, etc) and pulled out a selection from each batch.
On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love searched for me…
At 12, one theme stood out pretty strongly: size.
12” cock sex stories
12in butt plug inside guys ass
It doesn’t matter for everyone, but size certainly matters to some.
Gang bangs were quite hot in this category, too – the most popular terms for the number 12 involve the kind of football-team group-sex scenarios that occupy about half the servers in my own wank bank…
12 boys fucking
12 guys cum inside girls ass
On the 11th day of Christmas..
If this doesn’t already exist, I would like someone to make this movie:
jizz 2011
Just a two-hour-long film involving shots of people jizzing, and their screwed-up, horny wanking faces as they spurt. Perhaps they could show it at…
sex porno cinema 2011
Some people are still desperately keen to find the Soho sex cinema that I wrote about yonks ago. It’s shut down, I’m afraid, but if someone wants to open a new one, my vague stats research tells me you’ll get plenty of business. My favourite search term for number 11, though, is this:
11 differences between on-camera porn and real women
I’m glad someone looked for this, because it leads a post which contains a Venn diagram. It’s almost as if I am a real, serious person.
On the 10th day of Christmas…
Naturally, size comes into this one too…
10” cock in my ass
photos of women sitting on 10 inch hard cocks
But so – to my utter delight – does speed…
10 second come wank
And it wouldn’t be fun if there wasn’t variety.
10 girls and 4 boys fucking
top 10 ways to wank your partner off standing up
I’m actually a bit gutted that the person with this final search term will have arrived at my blog and found no decent answers. I’ve got a fair few posts on wanking, but how many possible ways can there be to wank your partner off standing up? I’m going with three – right-handed, left-handed, and between the arse cheeks.
On the 9th day of Christmas…
Slim pickings here, although as ever, a specifically-sized penis comes into play…
9 in circumcised dick
And thanks to a lucky typo, I also turned something up that is not only very much a kink of my own, but thankfully is even covered by a blog post, so I can say without sadness that I satisfied this clumsy typist…
erections i9n public
On the 8th day of Christmas…
While the grammar pains me, there’s something delicious about the word ‘str8.’ I imagine it scrawled hurriedly on a toilet wall or a Craigslist ad, and replied to with equally enthusiastic fervour.
str8 boy butt plug
str8 guys kissing then fucks
There are a few others that came through, although other than ‘girl getting fucked by her m8 boyfriend’ they’re all the kinds of things you might expect, until we get to my absolute favourite:
3.8 inch cock picture
It’s bizarrely specific, and I feel like it might provide a slice of joy to someone who is currently sitting at home lamenting the fact that his cock doesn’t quite measure up. When ‘average’ is around 5.5 inches or so, you might feel a bit sad if you come up short. Please, please do not be. Not only are not all cock-lovers obsessed with shagging a huge one, if you’ve a really specific 3.8-inch cock, there’s someone on the internet who could be your perfect match.
Luckily I’ve now used the phrase in this blog post too, so if anyone else is searching for that exact same size, I’ll be able to find ’em. Subscribe in the top right-hand corner for updates.
On the 7th day of Christmas
7 myths about strip clubs
There are way more than 7, but here are a few. And if you’re thinking of taking your colleagues to one after the Christmas party? Don’t.
girl tied to bedposts fucked by 7 guys
I swear if I ever get married, this is what I’ll plan for the hen night. But the winner surely has to be this one:
i’m 27 can I use a battery massage brush on my clit?
The answer depends heavily on what the blue fuck a ‘battery massage brush’ is, but the good news is that if it’s clit-safe it’ll be clit-safe no matter how old you are.
On the 6th day of Christmas
my 6 boys fuck me
Standard, timeless, and hot. Much like these ones:
6 mates having sex together in a tent
6 girls fucking one cock
story of how I was fucked by 16 hot guys
throat fucked deep 69
women enjoying 69
These next two I’ve thrown in just to delight other tall people like me…
6ft tall girl fucking to short boy
6’2 chubby and fuck me hard
And this one’s out of left field but well worth it:
when a man come with-in 6” of a hairy cunt what’s left for him to do bravo
Bravo indeed. But the BEST OF ALL SEARCH TERMS for this category is…
blowjob while playing xbox 360
Literally all I have ever wanted is to find people who are as obsessed with the idea of Xbox blow jobs as I am. My life is now complete.
On the 5th day of Christmas
Before you scroll down, have a little think about what you’d expect to find when you search the number ‘5’ on a sex blog’s search terms. You’ll kick yourself if you don’t get it. Ready?
50 shades of grey fisting
50 shades of grey anal
50 shades of grey explicit anal
anal scene 50 shades of grey
any anal in 50 shades of grey sequal
50 shades of dick porn
And many, many more 50 Shades references. They were not lying about that book: love it or hate it, you can’t ignore the fact that it’s got a reference to anal fisting that’ll pull in the punters for years to come. There were a bunch of terms that referenced guys over the age of 50 too, which delights me, and one bizarre question which does not:
what if a girl vagina is fucked 50 times
I dunno – she gets a free pen? I mean, this search phrase sounds weirdly slut-shaming but if it’s a medical question then, as one whose vagina has been fucked at least 50 times (I know, I’m a lucky girl), I can assure you that nothing of drastic significance occurs. It doesn’t start spewing hot lava or anything.
On the 4th day of Christmas…
Some people seem incredibly keen to ensure that the sex stories they read are bang up to date.
hottest fucking stories of 2014
pegging stories 2014
sex japan fuck 2014
But I have to applaud yet another person who made my dreams come true…
halo 4 blowjob
…even if other video games did sound more exciting…
saints row 4 robotic sex stories
On the 3rd day of Christmas
OOOH YAY.
3 magic words fuck girls
3 magic words to get sex
Not only is there not a particularly magical ‘secret’ to picking up women, women themselves are not fairytale sphinxes offering you access to their panties on the basis of a fiendish riddle. You just talk to us. Still, hopefully the people searching these things went away with that message, and are no longer frantically Googling ‘abracuntdabra’ in the hope of solving the mystery.
how come my orgasm gotten more intense in my 30s
Has it?! Does it?! You’ve just made my day.
30 second wank porn
only last like 30 seconds when getting wanked off
Hooray! It’s pretty damned hot when people come so quickly it makes me feel like the Worlds Greatest Lover. Please step into my office and remove your trousers.
On the 2nd day of Christmas
You know how sometimes people tell you their fantasies and it’s like they reached inside your head and just plucked out one of your own? Well…
2 fat men fuck girl
2 fat men fuck a skinny girl
2 dicks in a girls ass only and thats it
“Only”? I suspect this person has never had two dicks in their ass. Even with just one I’d struggle to dismiss it with a mere ‘only.’
how 2 rub your dick against her clitoris
I don’t care how, as long as you do. But my preference is for you having a nice, hard wank that just happens to repeatedly nudge the tip of your cock against me.
he fucked me with his 2 dicks
If I ever get the chance to try this, perhaps I can be persuaded on the whole ‘whether there’s a God’ issue.
On the 1st day of Christmas
Only a few more to go, so let’s round up with a couple of first-timers:
1st time pegging story
1st time swingers
circumcised men wanking 1st time
A couple of threesomes:
1 guy rubs girls nipples one guy rubs clitorus
1 guy butt plugs a girl while he fucks another
And the start of a fun new hobby:
when I press on 1 spot on my clit and move it around I feel strange
Now deck the halls, mull the wine, and go search for your favourite horny things to do while you’re procrastinating over Christmas shopping. Normal filth will resume on Wednesday, when I’ve put up the cock-shaped tree.
9 Comments
I maintain that mathematically speaking 12 is the sexiest number. Maybe that’s the reason behind the whole 12 inch thing.
Haha, is it? I’d have gone with 5, but I don’t really know why. It’s the first number that springs to mind when considering how many dudes I’d like to fuck at once.
Oh yes, from a purely mathematical point of view 12 is so much nicer than 10. I mean it’s devisable by a much higher percentage of the numbers below it and yet for some reason we all use base 10.
It’s probably related to us having 10 fingers, hence also the thing about 5’s.
On the other note mentioned in your response, personally I suspect I would have a stress related heart attack if I tried for more than two women at once, and frankly I would be pushing my luck at that.
Love this idea, how fun!
Thank you! =) Was a very fun post to write. You must get some pretty cool search terms over at your blog too – do you have a favourite?
Not quite the same, but I have a song I listen to a lot; ‘The Plug’ by Bonobo (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7fWiDjRdOA – it’s great!), and whenever I put ‘plug’ into my browser bar to get to it quickly, your blog post ‘Fucking a guy while he’s wearing a butt plug’ always crops up as an option as well, which makes me smile.
Happy early sexmas, GOTN! x
Ohai.
Plz to not deck balls with boughs of holly? D:
Haha, absolutely. Unless you’ve a very specific fetish for having your balls spiked, I suspect yule be sorry you ever tried.
Number 7 has to be my favourite… What the heck is a Battery Massage Brush? That sure sounds like some Heath Robinson s**t right there LOL