“Don’t you fucking dare come,” he says, with a growling, horny tone and the power to make me do it. Holding a wand toy right tight and hard against my clit, cock firmly in place, pulsing against the walls of my cunt, and giving me something to grip down on as I try to fight the waves of unavoidable orgasm.
Sometimes the sexiest thing in the world is being ordered to refrain from something that you know is inevitable. The strain of having to bite your lip, tense your muscles, arch yourself away from the source of pleasure so as to hold something back for just a few seconds? Amazing.
But not always.
There’s a unique kind of shudder that I get if I’m on the edge of coming and I try to make myself stop. It has to happen at exactly the right moment – just early enough to prevent me but just late enough that I’m almost there. If you order me not to come just after we’ve started, then you’ll miss out on that moment. But getting to the right peak is tricky without my feedback.
I’m in the habit of telling guys when I’m going to come – the harder it’s been to get to the tipping point, the more likely I am to gasp “don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop” when I’m almost there. Because that sexy shudder when I try and stop myself is a hell of a lot less sexy when it’s inflicted by accident – a well-intentioned position switch, or a pause or change in rhythm. Sometimes all I desperately need is for the same thing to keep happening right there. Just like that. Don’t fucking move. Exactly there. Keep going. Don’t stop. Don’t stop. Aaah.
And I’m sure it’s because of that build up of tension followed by the quick release of climax that makes orgasm control so fun. Yeah, I’m frustrated if my fuck is cut off during that split-second moment, but if the pause was a deliberate exercise of control? Well, that frustration is just a downpayment on a future of even more intense orgasms.
A guy who gets me to that point, over and over again, building slowly before eventually letting me come can be my friend for life, and cash in on any number of ‘thank you’ beers, and possibly even a love letter or two.
But. This kind of orgasm control is really not for everyone.
5.. 4… 3… 2… 1… orgasm
Orgasm control requires two really key things, in my opinion: intimate knowledge of the other person’s body, and a stated acceptance that it doesn’t always work.
Recently I was having a chat with a bunch of kinksters for an article I was writing, and one of them expressed a gleeful delight in orgasm control – her Dom, she explained, frequently did the ‘don’t you dare come’ thing at the point of her orgasm, and she loved it like a very special birthday treat. Another, however, hated it, and was disappointed that orgasm control is so often presented as a ‘standard’ BDSM move. I can see why it is – after all, BDSM is so often about control – giving and receiving power, and all that lovely hot stuff.
But not everyone can come on demand. Not everyone finds it hot to hold back their orgasms, because they’ve struggled so hard to get there in the first place. Others don’t orgasm during sex, or play, at all.
As hot as the line “don’t you dare come” is, it’ll lose its power if your internal monologue automatically responds: “I’ll be honest, mate, it’s not that likely.”
Likewise if someone masturbates you into a froth of excitement, but you know that you’re not going to be able to come without a really specific type of stimulation, then that person counting you down from 5 and expecting you to orgasm on the 1 is more than a stretch – it’s an impossibility. This trick (and it’s one I’ve had used on me in the past – to sometimes great and sometimes disappointing effect) can be horny when you know each other well, and when you’re realistic about what you’re expecting from someone. But when it’s presented as a standard ‘thing’ it can be a bit heartbreaking.
I’ve talked before about faking orgasms, and why I don’t think it’s quite the heinous evil sex move it’s made out to be, and I think often techniques like this feed into the pressure that some people feel about coming. Whether you’re happy to fake your orgasms or not, chances are that if you know you’re not going to come but a dominant has built you up to the point where he or she wants you to come on command, there’s naturally going to be a bit more temptation to just fake it.
Orgasm control is amazingly hot, and it can be a stunning part of kinky play (as well as other play, to be honest – BDSMers don’t have a monopoly on wanking their partners off over and over until they sob with an aching need to come) but it’s not quite the magic bullet it’s often cracked up to be. No matter how dominant you are, and how amazing your sex skillz or your technique with a magic wand, not everyone’s going to respond in the same way.
For some the very words ‘don’t come’ will be imbued with so much gut-punching hotness that the phrase itself will push them to the point of no return. But for others, an order to come or not come is irrelevant, because their body just doesn’t work that way.
And if you do it too soon, before you’ve any idea whether my body is responding in the perfect way to your touches? If you order me to come before you’ve heard my breathless gasps of ‘no no don’t stop oh please don’t stop’? Well, you might as well order me not to fly.