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Guest blog: softcore femdom fantasies

This week’s guest blog is a bit different, because I’m going to publish it and then – like an irritating pop-up critic – I’m going to disagree with the author.

Meet Mr XY. He got in touch with a blog about his specific fantasies – softcore femdom that follows certain lines, but doesn’t go as far as much of the femdom porn that he finds online. Domination without humiliation. Edging without hardcore chastity. I’ll let him explain the details.

However, I also want to add a note for those reading this – his post discusses the ways in which femdom is portrayed in the mainstream media, as well as a lament about the lack of porn available for people with his sensibilities. If you think the same, please do read my response at the end, because I definitely think there’s plenty of porn that caters to these fantasies, and it’s perhaps not as rare as the author thinks. Sometimes it’s just a question of knowing the right places to find it, so I thought it’d be worth us having a bit of back and forth.

As a result of my insistence on disagreeing, this blog is less of a straight-out story, and more the opportunity to start a bit of a discussion. So massive thank you to him, for letting me post his blog along with my thoughts, and please do come and join in the comments.

Softcore femdom fantasies

I’ve always loved spanking – who doesn’t? And I’m not terribly burdened by trying to understand it. It’s just such a natural thing to me. I can’t imagine a relationship without a little spanking role play thrown in.

Over the last few years I have started to fantasise about being dominated by a woman, it’s less obvious to me why I want this and certainly more difficult to find someone who wants to join me. I’m not ashamed of it, but would be more private about telling people about it because it seems like more of a perversion when the shoe is on the other foot so to speak – and that difference, and why it should be, or why I perceive a difference, interests me.

But ‘dominate’ is not quite the right word. It has all the wrong connotations. The problem is that I want something very ordinary in my opinion whereas most people thinking along these lines seem to be after more extreme things, or that’s what we’re offered by the porn industry. Maybe I’m after a woman to control me, but not total unchallenged control.

For instance, I’d love a hot colleague to give me errands and instructions on how to behave and what to wear, and to reprimand me, even in front of others. She would tell me to stand by her desk until she was ready for me.

Most femdom is too much

When I heard about Femdom I thought I’d found my niche, but then realised the vast majority of it is about violent domination and degradation of men. I’m not interested in being a slave or being chained to a cage or in any of the usual fetish paraphernalia such as leather and whips and clamps.

Then I heard about CFNM (Clothed Female Naked Male), I love the thought of this, and there are a few nice videos out there, but a lot of it is about making the man pathetic and humiliated. Each to their own, but being called a tiny dick loser just doesn’t do it for me.

And being a financial slave certainly doesn’t do it for me, I’ve got my own Amazon list to get through.

Then there’s ‘Taken in Hand’ – a kind of domestic BDSM arrangement – but it’s always the woman taken in hand, never the man. There are aspects of this and aspects of ‘1950’s Household’ that if they were reversed would be quite appealing, but the seriousness and arrogance would have to go – lighten it up and make it fun and I’m in.

I wonder does society have a problem accepting that women can hold the power balance over otherwise equal men? In my opinion a beautiful woman absolutely holds the power over a man, he can be attractive and successful and normal, he doesn’t have to be pathetic to submit to her. Every man knows what the scent, the laugh, the curves of a woman can do to him, and what he’d do just to get an inch closer…

Men are slayed and knocked out by the beauty and sexiness and allure of women in the figurative sense all the time, that’s enough for me; to get on my knees and do what I’m told by her, she doesn’t need to be violent or even threatening for me to do it, she just has to ask…

Femdom in mainstream media

One of the rare mainstream examples of this thing I’m looking for is in ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’. There’s a scene where DiCaprio’s stunning wife played by Margot Robbie is teasing him with her legs and denying him sex for some misdemeanor. Now, I’m against the notion used a lot by the media that women don’t enjoy sex; they just reward or deny men with it, but the scene is up there for me. However I assume it’s written from a male perspective rather than a female one? I’d rather she admitted she’s gagging for it and offers him a deal – he gets one hand job in a weeks’ time if she gets to sit on and come on his face every day until then. And just to make it all the more delicious for her and torturous for him she toys distractedly with his cock and balls with her stockinged feet all week as she watches TV.

Why? Because she has desires and knows that she can fulfil them by taking advantage of a man’s desire for her, the exquisite pleasure of having her cool hand wrapped around his hot pulsating cock and cradling his balls as he comes is worth the week of wanting.

Let me add; her sitting and coming on his face is not a hardship as some hate-porn seems to suggest, the torture is he has to wait a week for his turn to come. Not that I always want a week of denial, an hour in these circumstances would be almost unbearable.

There’s not much of this sort of female power and control in the mainstream, or even in porn, it’s usually brought to extremes where a pathetic man is forced to wear a chastity device or can’t come for weeks or months. I want to be teased and brought to the edge of my control but I want to come! Oh to be edged out of my mind…

Sure there’s lot of stocking fetish stuff out there and foot jobs, shoes jobs, leg jobs, all good stuff before someone decides that trampling is a good idea, or inserting the high heel into the… I don’t even want to say it never mind see it. I don’t mean to be judgemental, if you’re a man or woman and you like that then I respect your right to like it and pursue it, but I wonder if porn creates the fetish more than the other way around? Or if by jumping to the more extreme end of the scale, swathes of beautiful ecstasy in the middle is overlooked?

Something like the Cock Hero genre is exciting to me, it’s sexy and fun and introduces some elements of power play and denial. I’d love to have to perform for a beautiful girl or even group of girls, they gently mock and tease me and spank me every time I try to sneak in a few extra strokes. Or to submit my cock to a girl to do the stroking while my hands are tied. I suspect like a lot of people, the porn films in my head are so much better than the porn on the internet. For one thing there’d be no gross ads or hateful language. If anyone out there is looking for a story ideas man and scriptwriter be sure to get in touch! I have a no plumbers rule…

Another fairly mainstream portrayal is in the book ‘100 years of solitude’ by Gabriel García Márquez, I don’t remember the details but there’s a scene where a man is led away by his cock by a woman. I’ve seen this move a few time in CFNM but it’s all too brief. Give me 10 minutes of that and a beautiful fully clothed woman deciding what cock she wants tonight from a parade of willing participants and less of the genital close-ups and ball busting please.

I do wonder why it’s so difficult to find other people interested in this, certainly in real life, but also in porn, at least the free porn I watch. It’s not like it’s too taboo, and I don’t think that this thing I like is unique to me. Maybe it is something to do with societal norms, gender politics or media representations, or maybe I’m just not looking in the right places…

OK, let’s get into this, because I think there is a lot of porn out there for you, and I agree that you may well be looking in the wrong places. Before we tackle the porn thing, though, I have to say that this:

“In my opinion a beautiful woman absolutely holds the power over a man”

seems – at least in part – to contradict this:

“I’m against the notion used a lot by the media that women don’t enjoy sex”

I think the notion that women don’t enjoy sex is in part reinforced by our assumption that, in any given sexual interaction, the woman naturally holds the ‘power’ – because, why? Because the guy wants sex and she doesn’t? It at least implies there’s an imbalance in how much each person wants what’s happening. If we truly believed that all individuals desired sex to the same degree, then sweeping statements about which gender holds the power would essentially be meaningless. I appreciate you’re not trying to reinforce this, I just thought it was worth pointing out.

Anyway. Onto the porn.

There’s a word you use at the end of your post which gives away one of the key problems (in my opinion) with the porn you’re trying to find. That word is ‘free’. While it would be awesome if people who shared my exact and specific fantasies were out there filming themselves doing it all the time, then sticking it up online for free, realistically if you want awesome porn, you’re usually going to have to whip out your credit card. And rightly so – the people who make great porn often invest a lot of their own time and money into doing it. And while I know plenty of porn producers and performers who love their work, I don’t know many who get free meals or accommodation or any of the other boring things we need to survive. In a Utopian future, perhaps all porn will be made out of pure love, because we’ll have a universal Citizen’s Income or something, but in the meantime we live in a society that requires us to exchange money for goods and services, and also a society whereby sex work is so stigmatised that working in the porn industry can preclude you from earning a crust elsewhere. It’s shit. So. Support your friendly porn performers and producers by paying for their stuff.

Onto the kind of porn you want, then. The good news is that there are many other people like you who are into that same kind of thing. I have known and loved gentlemen who are also into what I’d loosely call ‘softcore femdom’ – i.e. being dominated but not humiliated. Teased but not tortured. That kind of thing. You mention a whole bunch of things in your post: instruction, CFNM, domestic discipline, foot play, edging, and more. There are definitely some films that match your requests – in fact I recently wrote up a couple of Dreams of Spanking scenes which are POV femdom of the kind that might appeal to you. And browsing the categories on Clips4Sale, I’d be incredibly surprised if you couldn’t find something you liked in one or all of these:

But they may not be exactly what you’re after: porn very rarely is. While I am 100% with you on the frustration if you can’t find porn that caters to your specific desires, I can also tell you that your desires are incredibly detailed.  I have one short scene that I watch over and over again – if it were on VHS the tape would have worn thin by now – which matches almost exactly a fantasy I have in my head. Still it’s not perfect: the lady uses words I wouldn’t, and the guy doesn’t spank her at just the moment I’d like him to in my head. But it’s close. And that’s very rare. In my opinion one of the fascinating things about sexual fantasy is just how much those tiny details matter. You and I could share a fantasy about, for instance, a particular kind of spanking, and yet the words uttered by your dominant need be only slightly different to the words uttered by mine in order to completely kill the mood. There’s porn out there for most people, but often your imagination has to put in a bit of the leg work.

In terms of the mainstream media, I agree that the way domination is portrayed does often tend towards extremes. I’m trying to think of realistic portrayals of the kind of BDSM sex that I love, and coming up fairly short too – perhaps with the latest ATVOD crackdown on BDSM porn sites which portray realistic BDSM, we’ll see more of it on genuine TV (because what’s censored in porn is often totally fine in a documentary context, because there is no logic to this kind of censorship). I think that within porn (not all porn, and not all the time) we can see more genuine depictions of people’s real-life kinks, in a way that we simply wouldn’t be able to in the mainstream media. Niche scenes and videos created for a particular group rather than TV shows, movies and books that have to arouse or interest the majority without causing too much offense to the minority. Perhaps. As a female submissive, my personal frustrations often come from the fact that submissiveness is portrayed as such an absolute thing: you’ll be meek, mild, permanently clad in stockings and suspenders (and don’t get me started on the expectations on what subs are supposed to *look* like). Whereas in porn – at least the kind of porn I watch – there’s more of a spectrum of what people enjoy, wear, look like, and get turned on by. Perhaps I’m wrong, though – I suspect this might be a symptom of the particular bubble I live in.

Finally, the idea that porn itself tends towards extremes is an interesting one too. It depends a lot on what you’re looking at, but I can see why a performer or director might choose to spend time shooting a foot fetish scene that includes extreme elements like trampling as well as the softer build up like foot jobs, rubbing, foot worship, etc. Those who like only one of those elements can watch that portion of the film, others can skip to the more extreme stuff.

I feel like, in response to your post, I mainly want to say: porn for you exists. And I was surprised at your lament simply because what you describe seems to be a frustration that no one’s created porn which follows the script and scenario in your head. I share that feeling sometimes – I think everyone does – but there are not only scenes out there that cater to some of the things you describe, there are also performers who will custom-make you a scene, based on your own instructions, and send it to you for your personal use. The only catch? You do have to pay for it.

7 Comments

  • Zak Jane Keir says:

    Interesting stuff – I have a fondness for writing moderately softcore femdom. Perhaps your correspondent would enjoy reading this http://www.amazon.co.uk/Black-Heart-Zak-Jane-Keir-ebook/dp/B00EALIOAI
    It’s not free, but it is only £2.49, less than the price of a pint.

  • Adele says:

    Mr XY, let me reiterate your blog post to you.

    “I have a specific kink fantasy. Why isn’t there free porn of it?”

    Because the world doesn’t owe you free porn of your specific kink fantasy. Consider that the free (pirated?) porn you watch was made in the first place because the producers knew there was a market for it, because people who like it open their wallets and spend money on the kind of porn they like.

  • Scrubber says:

    Honestly, my perspective is that our poor lamb needs to go and find a partner who’s up for this. Don’t imagine it’s unpossible. Women are, by and large, kinky little bastards. They like to see men squirm with excitement.

  • anonymoususername says:

    I’m going to agree with Scrubber here. I’m a woman into femdom with most of the same caveats as Mr XY – don’t see the point in chastity cages, not into full on pain causing (tho scratching & biting are good ;p), and telling a guy he’s got a tiny cock does nothing for me. Search for someone with tastes in common, we are out there!
    Doesn’t really solve your porn problem but. Not a big consumer of porn videos myself but do like my dirty tumblr & while you have to search for stuff that’s as near as possible to your thing it is out there. Personally I will be checking out some of GotN’s suggested videos tho :)

  • Mr.XY says:

    Thank for the comments. GOTN, I love your point:
    “If we truly believed that all individuals desired sex to the same degree, then sweeping statements about which gender holds the power would essentially be meaningless”
    But I think that I can genuinely believe that men and women desire sex equally in the general sense, but not necessarily on an individual basis – two people, a man and a woman might each be really into sex, just not with each other.
    I think this is the root of a lot of femdom / cfnm fantasies, at least for me.
    An average man wants to fuck a beautiful woman. Beautiful woman isn’t interested and would prefer to fuck an equally hot guy. Average goes knows this, so to balance things out other things are brought into play– money in the case of financial femdom, humiliation, tasks etc etc.

    Good point about free porn as well. I have paid for porn (clips4sale) but also watch free porn.
    It’s often user generated or sample videos from pay sites and there are ads on the site.
    Lots of online services are free to use but the people involved still get paid due to other finance models. Maybe that does or could work for porn especially as it’s becoming less taboo – although the ATVOD crackdown will probably work against that.

    Despite citing porn as my examples, I didn’t really mean to go down the road of ‘where is the porn I want’ I was more interested in teasing out questions about why it is the way it is – That female domination usually tends towards the violent end of the spectrum) But I should also have mentioned other areas of the sexual landscape – for instance events, munches, social media, blogs, etc. From what I see it’s usually on the extreme end of the BDSM scale.
    And I just mentioned free porn as I think it’s a truer barometer of what the general public are interested in or are being offered. What’s available there might eventually reach the mainstream. Niche films behind paywalls never will.

    Thanks for the links, I’ve taken a look, looks like some good stuff there, (one of the best things I bought a while back on clips4 sale was of a fully dressed lady in skirt and stocking teasing and slapping a guys cock and balls.

    When I said “I suspect like a lot of people, the porn films in my head are so much better than the porn on the internet” I wasn’t complaining, it was intended as a light hearted comment on the power of our imaginations. I can honestly say that the best wanks I’ve had have been with my eyes closed thinking thorough a scenario I’ve invented or at least part invented. I turn to porn when I’m feeling particularly lazy.

    Thanks for your comments Scrubber and anonymoususername – glad to here you’re out there, I absolutely agree; I do need to find a partner who’s up for this, I’ll keep my eyes wide as the saying goes….

  • Anonimoususer says:

    What’s the best way to find a fem Dom girl. Any suggestions.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Fetlife, okcupid, munches, twitter. Munches are irl meetups – google for one near you. basically the internet is the best way to find anything =)

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