We asked people to harness their inner dildo scientist…

GOTN custom dildo made by the dildo scientists at Godemiche. Logo made by Black Heart Creatives

…and the answers made me weep tears of joy. A couple of weeks ago, the lovely people at Godemiche (who make an incredible range of cool dildos) gave me a handmade, custom dildo to give away. To enter, all people had to do was complete the sentence:

‘If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make…’ 

We had some hilarious, beautiful and ingenious answers. Below is a selection of highlights, as well as the five runners-up. Please vote for your favourite, and the person with the most votes at midnight on Monday 1st August will receive the gorgeous custom dildo pictured above.

If I were a dildo scientist…

There were so many suggestions it was almost impossible to pick favourites – here’s just a selection of the entries, along with the five finalists which you can vote on at the bottom. Spoiler alert: there are plenty of rainbows and a hell of a lot of glittery lube…

Some dildo scientists focused on super-smart dildo technology…

“If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make one that jizzes when you’ve made your kegel target for the session. Fun and rewarding!”

Thiefree

“If I were a dido scientist, I would create a dido that would sense when I was coming close to climax based on my vagina tightening up or pulsing. Once I reach that point of cumming it would change its rhythm to make me cum hard or even squirt and it won’t stop.”

Eileen Gonzalez

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a dildo that changed colour depending on my mood. Black = ‘rough fucking is coming’. Pastel green = ‘sweet sweet lovemaking’, bright red = ‘oh jesus nooooo!!!’ etc.”

Ferns

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a size changeable, colour-changing dildo because each day is different and requirements change daily. Today I want hard and thick, tomorrow I might require less girth but more length, and I may feel blue not red.”

Gilly Langley

“If I were a dildo scientist I would invent a device that would be like a curved fuckstick so I could use a dildo on a dude while he’s on top of me. *heart eyes emoji* Godemiche please I’m begging you I need this in my life/my boyfriend’s butt.”

Squeaky Bedsprings

“If I were a dildo scientist, I would design one which you can adjust to fit the spec of your genitalia.”

Jillian Boyd

Others went for the comedy angle…

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a point of watching where I sat down in my dildo laboratory.”

Skip Gibson

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make two shelves for accepted and rejected model designs marked “Dildos” and “Dildon’ts”

Dave Probert

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make one with a stand composed of two large hairy feet and call it the “Dildo Baggins”.”

Simon

“If I were a dido scientist I would make sure I was always introduced as such at parties”

Ben Kirkby

“If I were a dildo scientist, I would spice up the conversation about ‘what I’m doing with my life’ at family parties no end…”

Charlie

“If I were a dildo scientist, I’d be constantly frustrated trying to buy a lab coat which fits when I’m eight inches tall, made of silicone and have no arms.”

RyMan

Some people invented dildos to satisfy your palette as well as your genitals…

“If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a dildo that could be used as a flask so I could have a cup of tea afterwards.”

Katie Peal

“If I were a dildo scientist, I’d make a dildo with a food compartment because snacks”

Ke

“If I were a dildo scientist I would have hip flask dildo”

S

Others had ingenious dildo engineering ideas…

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a dildo that can be customised to fit depending on how I’m a’feelin’ today. A little bit longer? A little bit thicker? Let’s give a banana boner a go this evening. A dildo/animatronix combo is what I’m looking for.”

Catherine Wright

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a holo-protector on the end to display your perfect lover using it, be it man, woman, or Sonic the Hedgehog.”

NM

“If I was a dildo scientist I would incorpate an auto pizza ordering facility 15mins after orgasm for post fun munchies.”

Tom Oldfield

“If I were a Dildo scientist I’d add the squeaker from a squeaky toy to make every. kegel. funny. And for good measure throw in a pencil sharpener butt plug.”

Gryphon

There were some delightfully nerdy dildo suggestions…

“If I were a dildo scientist, I would make a way of utilising quantum superposition and Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, so the dildo could be in two holes at once, and when you know you’re coming, you don’t know where you are!”

Valery North

“If I was a dildo scientists, I would make a dildo pokedex aka dildodex and use it to collect all the dildos out there.”

tommy brand

“If I were a dildo scientist, I’d quantum-entangle it with my genitalia so that whatever affects their state affects the state of the dildo at the same time!”

Valery North

And one entry so kinky I couldn’t fit it into another category

“If I were a dildo scientist I’d make a moveable motorized tentacle dildo, that can be controlled via PC.”

Espy Tryst

Dildo comp – the top 5 entries – vote for your favourites!

After we’d gone through all of the entries, the lovely Adam and Monika from Godemiche sent me their favourites, which I whittled down into a top five.

Please vote for your favourite using the widget below – just tick the one you like best, enter your email, and I’ll tally up all the votes in a week’s time.

There’s an option to sign up for updates as well – either by joining my mailing list or Godemiche‘s – genuine dildo scientists who provided the prize. I love them to pieces, and if you’re in any way interested in the behind-the-scenes of how to handmake sex toys, or want to see how they develop their kickass ideas (such as the Nebula which causes spontaneous jizzing in cosmology geeks, or the Adam Special which changes with the seasons), please do subscribe, or follow them on Twitter or Facebook.

Create your own user feedback survey

Want a GOTN dildo?

Some people have asked where they can buy a GOTN dildo – the answer is that only one exists at the moment (this comp prize). If you’d like one, Godemiche have kindly offered to make a batch of them, and if we do it in bulk we can get them cheaper.

If you’re interested, drop your email address in this box here and I’ll co-ordinate some sort of group buy.

1 Comment

  • micky says:

    Shame i missed this,

    If i were a dildo scientist i would make one with inbuilt led wifi cam. It will only download the clips when your bf/gf sucks the tip hard enough to activate a vacuum switch and keeps it there, that way he/she can only view where its been with there mouth around it ewg

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *