People often think that dating a sex blogger consists of living every single day on a sexual rollercoaster: shagging first thing in the morning, enjoying a blow-job with your post-work Xbox session, and then filling your evenings with creative fucking as you test out brand new sex toys. Here’s what it’s actually like.
Me: “I need to tell you something.”
Him: “What’s up?”
“It’s something that I kind of don’t want to tell you but I think you’d probably want me to tell you. I do not in any way want to control you or your life choices – EVER – so before I say this thing, it’s important to me that you understand I would never want to be the person who prevented you from doing something that makes you happy.”
“But I know you often ask me with a lot of earnestness what I think of some of your choices, and we discussed this in relationship counselling and I said I’d try to be better at giving you the things you need even though they’re not the kind of things that I might need. So while I wouldn’t want to know what you think of those choices if they were MINE, I do understand you’re a different person and sometimes you care what I think about this stuff.”
“I don’t think that t-shirt really suits you.”
If I had to describe what it’s like dating a sex blogger, the last thing I would mention is that we have All The Sex. More noticeable is all the talking. Sure, sometimes we have to run round the house in a panic because we’ve lost two butt plugs, someone’s Mum is coming round, and we don’t want her to find them between the sofa cushions. But if I’m really honest sex blogging is less about massive dildos than it is about massively overanalysing every tiny nuance of your own relationships.
To the point where you nearly fuck up those relationships by giving your very patient boyfriend a heart attack.