A long time ago, a beautiful man I knew wore a kilt to a party. Like many men who wear kilts to parties, he immediately made a joke about whether he was going commando. His statement was an ambiguous ‘maybe’ followed by a nudge and a wink that invited us to wonder. Never one to pass up an invitation like that, I spent the entire rest of the night wondering. In detail.

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Some of my best date stories begin with me propped excitedly against a bar, with one eye on the door to see who’s coming in. Some of my weirdest date stories start the same way. Come to think of it, when I was dating pretty much all of my dates began in a bar somewhere in London – ideally with a cocktail and a frisson of pre-shag excitement. So I’m delighted that today I get to offer one of you a night of lovely free drinks, in exchange for your best date story. Here’s how to claim it…

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Regular readers might be aware that I have very strong feelings about sofas. A decent sofa can make all the difference in a romantic or sexual relationship. You need one that’s good for snuggling and fucking, and which will ideally allow you to do both of those things without either permanently staining it or giving yourself neckache. But until recently I hadn’t realised that I need to write the same rant about good beds for fucking and bad beds for fucking. So pull up a duvet, snuggle down, and I will tell you why furniture shops in the UK are ABSOLUTELY SHITE AT anticipating people’s sexual needs.

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This is part two of an exceptionally filthy guest blog sent to me by Justine. In part one of this story, she suffered a ruined orgasm at the hands of her boyfriend. Distracted by a seriously hot fuck, she forgot his order that she should let him know before she came. After coming hard around his cock, she realised she’d broken the rule, and he later exacted punishment in the form of a ruined orgasm: working her up to the brink of orgasm then leaving her panting and frustrated. Read the first half of this ruined orgasm story, then pop back here to see how Justine gets her revenge…

Thanks to the gorgeously-voiced Sarah Jane (@sarahjanedoes), who blogs at Marvelous-Darling.com, this post is now available as audio. Click ‘listen here’ at the top of the page, then head to the audio porn hub to hear more sexy stories read aloud. 

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If you’re not familiar with the BBC Radio 4 programme Just A Minute then this post is going to seem a bit weird. The rules are that panelists must speak for as long as they can on a certain subject without repetition, hesitation or deviation. And although I don’t have a panel of fellow pornographers with whom to play this game verbally, I thought it might be fun to give it a go when writing erotica.

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