I’m a very enthusiastic cocksucker: I enjoy the art of giving blow jobs (and yes, sucking dick is an art thanks very much). My partner is exceptionally good at receiving blow jobs. When I mentioned this on Twitter the other day a few people responded by saying they wished they’d picked up that particular life skill. Some of them were joking, but I don’t care, because it’s an excellent excuse for me to point out that getting your dick sucked actually is a skill. And it’s one you can learn, with practice. Here’s a quick guide to receiving blow jobs.
To be honest I struggle to explain to people how they can be good in bed. When asked for sex advice, my answers are boring and waffly, because being ‘good in bed’ depends so much on your own desires, and those of your partner. But the other day I re-watched ‘How To Maximise Misery’ by CGP Grey, and I figured it may be easier to explain things the other way round. So here’s how to be really bad in bed. I should warn you in advance, though: while all humans have the capacity to be a bit bad in bed, being truly bad in bed requires dedication and hard work…
“Who’s this?” I ask him, hand shaking as I hold the phone, complete with text that I definitely wish I hadn’t read. It’s the first time in my life that I realise I’m jealous. Until then I had never expected to be. He shakes his head in reply, mumbles, and tells me that he fucked her.
A long long time ago a friend of mine asked this question: “What is sex like?” Normally my answer would have been something along the lines of “why not try it and see?” but she was religious, and didn’t want to have sex before she was married. That didn’t stop her being desperately curious about it, though. Being celibate doesn’t stop you being horny, and we’d often have chats about boys who made her flutter, and the way she’d yearn to do more than just blush. Hence her question: what is sex like?