I wanted to shout out to him as I heard him come down the stairs. I knew it was him. I could tell from his footsteps, and the way he made slightly more noise than he normally would – treading heavily to give me notice that he was awake. I’d been lying on the sofa for an hour or more, heart thumping and mind running over the things I wanted to say. The one thing I wanted to say: take me. Fuck me. Now, while my body is perfect.

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I sit still. Very still. So still I am almost holding my breath. I can feel the cool tile underneath my legs, his warm arms around my shoulders. My nipples are taut and hard. I can feel his erection pressing into my back, as I stare into the darkness and bite my lip. And I sit still.

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Today’s guest blogger Hannah – @fionchadd – is going to talk to you about posing naked, something that I’ve been trying – and failing – to do for a very very long time. Hannah posed completely naked for photographer Sonny Malhotra, as part of A Disappearing Exhibition, which opens in London on the 18th January. The idea is that people who come and visit can take one of the photos away with them. It’s a really awesome idea – check it out at the links above.

Alongside the exhibition, Hannah offered me a guest blog about the experience of posing naked. As someone who has really struggled with nudity and body image in the past, I found her post incredibly moving – and I can see myself in a lot of it. The world conspires to make body confidence an increasingly difficult thing to achieve, and I’m really grateful to Hannah for writing so honestly and movingly about her photoshoot.

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If I’m certain of anything about myself it’s this: I am a fucking nightmare. Anxiety means I am constantly examining every detail to see what might be right and wrong with my life. No – scratch that – every detail of what might be wrong. What’s right gets dumped on the ‘finished’ pile, and rarely given more time than a cursory ‘hooray’ before it’s time to move onto the next thing. Leaving my brain free to focus on unpaid bills, people I may have offended, and a mountain of relationship insecurity on the side.

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GOTN is on holiday until next week. In her absence, please enjoy this poem which she started writing in a workshop ages ago, then added some bits to, then read at the SheVibe bawdy poetry slam during The Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit.

As with everything Woodhull-related, it would not exist without Doxy, who not only make my favourite ever sex toy, they also sponsored me to go, so please show them lots of love. I suggest following them on twitter and .@-ing them with a message of intense affection such as ‘you make my life complete’ or ‘I cannot imagine a future without you.’ If enough of you do it then it will simultaneously delight and confuse the hell out of them.

UPDATE: the wonderful @ninjasexology has added some new verses to the poem – in italics below and they’re AMAZING. You should check out her wonderful blog, where she showcases her collection of utterly incredible, often very girthy, and always imaginative dildos.

If you’re better at titles than GOTN is, feel free to suggest one in the comments.

xxx

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