It is very rare for me to have an acoustic wank these days. By which I mean ‘be able to orgasm without either getting fucked by an actual human, or using a sex toy’. Gone are the days when I could make myself come using one finger and a tiny rubbing motion on my clit – subtle so as not to disturb a roommate. And we’re decades away from me being able to come with one hand in the shower – kneeling in the bath rather than standing, so I didn’t fall over at any key moments. These days, unless I have a Doxy or a Zumio, ideally with a dildo to accompany it and give me something to clamp round, the chances of me coming before my hand cramps up are slim to fuck-all. Fingers alone are no longer enough. I need more stimulation. And recently I realised that when I say ‘stimulation’, that doesn’t always have to be a sex toy or a cock. It turns out words work too.

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