To be honest I struggle to explain to people how they can be good in bed. When asked for sex advice, my answers are boring and waffly, because being ‘good in bed’ depends so much on your own desires, and those of your partner. But the other day I re-watched ‘How To Maximise Misery’ by CGP Grey, and I figured it may be easier to explain things the other way round. So here’s how to be really bad in bed. I should warn you in advance, though: while all humans have the capacity to be a bit bad in bed, being truly bad in bed requires dedication and hard work…
A long long time ago a friend of mine asked this question: “What is sex like?” Normally my answer would have been something along the lines of “why not try it and see?” but she was religious, and didn’t want to have sex before she was married. That didn’t stop her being desperately curious about it, though. Being celibate doesn’t stop you being horny, and we’d often have chats about boys who made her flutter, and the way she’d yearn to do more than just blush. Hence her question: what is sex like?
Oh happy day! I have acquired the greatest thing! It is amazing and sexy and it lives in my house now, and never again shall I forget how much it means to me! After a suspiciously successful visit to Ikea I now have the best bed for sex – a metal framed one with a headboard – that I can hook my toes behind while I get vigorously fucked.
Kinky sex very rarely just ‘happens.’ It takes planning and preparation and time and conversation and all that other stuff. Even in a relationship where you know you’re both keen to do it, it can be weirdly difficult to set aside time to turn off Netflix and indulge in the kind of fucking you can reminisce about for weeks to come. Recently someone asked me for some tips on how to plan and initiate kinky sex, so for what it’s worth, here’s how I make sure I’ve got a regular serving of dick in my diary.
Over the course of the last week three – THREE – men have asked me how they go about getting invited to a gang bang. Two of them have been quite specific about exactly the kind of gang bang they want. I get asked questions like this quite frequently, so I’m going to answer this one now: here’s how to get invited to a gang bang.