How to give the worst blow job ever

Image by the brilliant Stuart F Taylor

Sorry if you were hoping to start 2017 off on a positive note, but I have the worst blow job tips ever to share with you. They are called – brace yourself – “7 Ways To Make Giving A Blow Job Go Faster.” CAN YOU IMAGINE. I can think of two acceptable ways to ‘make giving a blow job go faster’ if you want it to stop soon: either you say ‘let’s switch to something else’ or you say ‘let’s have a break and a sandwich.’

Spoiler: neither of these are on the list of tips.

The full article is over at Women’s Health Mag US (linked there via web archive). It begins with this…

“We have nothing against blow jobs (assuming he’s also lavishing your lady parts with plenty of attention), but sometimes they just take so damn long. “After a couple of minutes of active bobbing, your jaw can start to ache,” says Sasha Kaplan, founder of Blow by Blow, which offers blow job workshop parties based in San Diego and Los Angeles. “You’ll want to speed things along for your own comfort.” Word.”

So Sasha Kaplan, who offers professional blow job workshops, is under the impression that blow jobs are like abseiling: you cannot start unless you intend to finish. Once you’ve sucked, you must see even the worst blow job through to the end, despite jawache, misery, boredom, and that voice in the back of your mind that’s sighing ‘but they just take SO DAMN LONG.’

“Not only is tea bagging one of those fantasy moves that will get him hot AF, but it’s also a sure fire strategy to cut down your time spent giving head.”

Giving head is not like putting the bins out, where you have to do it at least once a week or your flat will start to smell like an alleyway. 

Trapped in the worst blow job

When does a blow job finish? The answer is: when one or both of you want it to. That often means ‘when the blow job recipient has orgasmed’, because once the blowee has come they usually want it to stop. And once the blowee has come, the blower usually recognises that there won’t be as much enjoyment in half-heartedly sucking at someone who’s going limp and isn’t that enthusiastic about it any more.

But while that is one of the conditions under which a blow job might stop, there are plenty of other reasons you might decide it’s over. You may want to do something else, like handjobs or snogging or frotting or butt sex. You may be tired, or have an aching jaw. You might want to switch things up and have your partner blow you instead. THE BUILDING MIGHT BE ON FIRE.

Sucking dick is not like abseiling: it is like a party. You attend the party if and only if you want to. And when you’re not having a good time any more you are allowed to leave. If the host locks the doors and refuses to let you out until the party has reached an acceptable climax then you are no longer having a good time. You are in a hostage situation.

“If tongue-twisting his family jewels isn’t your, ahem, cup of tea, jump him post-shower, when he’s super fresh, or use your hands to play with his boys during oral.”

If tongue-twisting his family jewels isn’t your cup of tea, guess what? YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO IT.

How to make sure all your blow jobs are THE WORST

“Take these tips for a spin, and he’ll hit O-Town in five minutes flat (hopefully).”

The whole idea that once you’ve started a blow job you must see it through to the bitter (or salty) end is – in my opinion – one of the key things likely to prevent someone from enjoying blow jobs. Sucking dick isn’t easy: it’s something that takes time, communication, practice, effort, and sometimes it makes your jaw hurt a bit. If you, like me, enjoy these things, you’ll probably enjoy sucking dick. But if you don’t, then these things are tantamount to doing homework or household chores – some oxymoronic sex-hating ‘sexpert’ telling you that you have to stick with it anyway is only going to make you less – not more – likely to want to do it again in future.

““Momentum is really important,” says Kaplan. “If you stop for just one second, you could potentially lose the orgasm that was building.” Now that would seriously suck.”

Do you know what sucks more? YOU, KAPLAN. YOU. 

What’s more, the expectation that blow jobs must last until ejaculation is pretty horrible for the person on the receiving end, too. Would you want to fuck someone who might just be clinging on through pain, boredom, misery or all of the above out of a misguided belief that it was compulsory? Shudder. If you tend to require a different kind of stimulation in order to orgasm, or you were simply having a day where you were unlikely to come, would you want to be sucked off with grim determination, regardless of whether you were actually likely to come? Worst blow job ever.

“Imagine you just scored tix to a sold-out Bey show, or your boss told you she wants to give you a raise because you’re slaying it. Can’t even? Channel that excitement into oral action. “He will be more turned on if you’re into it,” says Kaplan.”

Let’s hope he hasn’t read this shitshower of an article then, eh?

While I’m generally suspicious of generic sex tips, I do think they have their place – as long as they’re offered in the spirit of ‘you may like to try this trick’ rather than ‘here are guaranteed ways to make someone orgasm and OMG you absolutely have to do them or you’re an awful lover.’ But I think the key criteria for a successful sex tip – one that works for you – is that it increases your (and/or your lover’s) enjoyment. In fact, if you’d like some great info and super-enthusiastic dorky discussion of blow jobs, I can recommend you a podcast for that. But in offering tips on making blow jobs ‘go faster’, what this ‘blow job expert’ has actually done is guarantee that anyone who goes to her masterclass is less likely to enjoy a blow job than before they read the article.

Want to give the worst blow job ever? Knock yourself out. Want to actually have fun? Remember that sex is never ever compulsory. Not at the beginning, not five minutes in, not even if your partner is ten seconds away from orgasm. A good blow job is like a party, and you can leave any time you like.

16 Comments

  • Luda says:

    Next time I suck my boyfriend’s cock I resolve to think about impeccably non-sexual things like breathing the same air as Beyonce or meeting with the approval of a stern female authority figure

  • Ivy says:

    I once had a bloke fall asleep while I was sucking his cock. It’s not been high in my repertoire ever since.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ouch. If it makes you feel better, I have had this too – more than once. A couple of times during BJs and once during a hand job I think. I don’t think I am particularly soporific, it’s just that on each occasion the guy was knackered =)

    • Paratethys says:

      Obviously I don’t know the specifics, but this might mean you’re actually very good at them. I’ve always thought of blowjobs as being more relaxing than arousing/exciting, if those are two ends of a pleasure spectrum, and they’ve ALWAYS made me sleepy. In fact, with a couple of ‘I think my hea’ds going to explode’ experiences aside, the better the blowjob, the sleepier I get.

      I don’t know if this is the cause or consequence of me almost never getting an orgasm out of them (ie 1-2% of the time, if that), but either way, I know other guys who feel the same way. So while this is almost certainly a minority perspective, like pretty much anything else sex-related, there are others in the same boat.

      For me, the perfect blowjob would result in entering the kind of state where the only kind of sex possible is very slow and very sleepy, which might end up in one or both parties falling asleep during the act. In which case, excellent.

  • Rye says:

    Why do all sex ‘experts’ try to boil everything down into three to five tips that must work for everyone? It’s so infuriating. The idea that all activities will lead to orgasm and we all know that that is the most important thing is so sad.

  • MJP says:

    I don’t particularly like receiving blowjobs and I think part of it is the idea that it’s a terrible chore for the person doing the work. Articles like the one you’re discussing aren’t going to help either partner!

  • Rachael says:

    This is hilarious. I’ve noticed that magazines tend to give lousy sex tips. Some of them don’t even make sense!

    • Azkyroth says:

      They also give lousy relationship tips.

      I wonder if it’s a ploy to create more unhappily single people (mostly women) who’ll buy their magazines in desperation.

  • VictorianPornbot says:

    That said the “this tip will make a blow job go faster” is helpful when your Dom says, “suck me until I cum,” when he’s not exactly famed for the speed of his orgasms.Especially if he’s set some sort of time limit.

    Not that it’ll work, of course… *sigh*

  • Steven Persici says:

    I love these takedowns of bad advice. In this case it sounds like they’re conflating two different issues: the duration of a blow job vs whether one enjoys giving blow jobs in the first place. If you don’t like doing it, it’s unlikely you’ll find it enjoyable no matter how quickly you try to hurry through the ordeal. An advice such as “momentum is really important” strikes me as particularly bad. You could “lose the orgasm”? Goodness, oh noes, where did it go? Maybe it fell off the bed! Or maybe it flew out the window, never to be seen again!

  • LXC says:

    This post makes an important general point, but at the same time it misses another point. Sometimes people get obsessed with accomplishing one particular thing, and then no substitute will do. Certainly some women seem to want the BJ experience and even fetishise it. If it doesn’t work, they get frustrated and angry. Of course, people should be grown up about what they can’t do. But there’s nothing wrong with giving advice (provided it’s good advice!) to help them do it.

    • Girl on the net says:

      “there’s nothing wrong with giving advice (provided it’s good advice!) to help them do it.”

      Yep, I agree, and I said as much at the end of the piece – there’s a place for generic sex tips, of course. The problem with this is the way it’s framed. Not ‘here’s something you might like to try’ but ‘here’s a way to make this awful experience end quickly’, with no acknowledgement that if the experience is awful you don’t have to do it.

  • David Finer says:

    I know that NJ can be a very unpleasant experience, especially during one night stands, but girls, a good blowjob is key if you want to make you man happy sexually.

    So please learn it and master the art of giving a BJ (-:

    • Girl on the net says:

      Wow, congrats on missing the entire point of what I wrote. For the record: not all guys enjoy BJs, not all guys enjoy them in the same way. What’s more, if something is an ‘unpleasant experience’ no one should feel compelled to do it.

  • Sofia says:

    I don’t know what annoys me more, the “OBVIOUSLY you’re not enjoying this, I mean who ENJOYS giving blowjobs” attitude or the “Ok look, we ALL hate this, but obviously we have to power through to the finish even though we’re having a deeply uncomfortable sexual experience” attitude.

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