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Don’t tell me sucking dick is easy

Today a guy wrote a Vice article about why he doesn’t want to eat pussy. There are a number of things I could say in response to his article, mostly involving swearwords, and desperate pleas that he stop repeating the same tedious bullshit that comes out whenever any straight bloke thinks he has a Scorching Hot Take on the subject of eating cunt.

As a general rule, my opinion on cunnilingus is that it’s not really my bag, but I’ll enjoy doing it to a lady if I’m fucking her. If you want to eat it, tuck in, but I won’t shame you if you’d rather not.

However, what I DO object to is the implication that it’s far more onerous to ask someone to give cunnilingus than it is to ask for a blow job. In the piece, the author says:

“The penis is a simple thing – it’s hard to get things completely wrong.”

To which I reply: HOW FUCKING HARD ARE YOU SHITTING ME, SUNSHINE?

Sucking dick ain’t easy

How do you suck a dick? Well, you put it in your mouth and you suck it, moving your head back and forth a bit, using your lips and tongue to stimulate it, blah blah blah.

But that’s just the start.

  • Hard or soft?
  • Wet and sloppy? Tight?
  • Do you use your hands as well?
  • Look up at the person you’re doing it to?
  • Stick your finger up their arse?
  • What about circumcised versus uncircumcised?
  • Do you take it right to the back of your throat?
  • How do you interpret the noises they’re making?
  • When do you know when to speed up or slow down?
  • In what position should you be to minimise neckache and maximise their enjoyment?
  • Is it OK to rub your jeans-clad crotch against their foot so you get a bit of clit stim while you’re doing it?
  • How and when are you going to BREATHE?

And a million more questions besides.

There are some subjects that I won’t get ranty about because I’m not sure my life experience is sufficient for my opinions to hold weight. But today we are talking about sucking dick, and THIS FUCKING SUBJECT ISN’T ONE OF THEM.

I’ve sucked a lot of cock, people. A hell of a lot of cock. With the possible exception of fucking, eating lasagne, or watching Jessica Jones, cocksucking is my favourite hobby. I have done it hard, fast, slow, gentle, wet, throatfucking-y: all the different types of cocksucking.

Therefore I am MORE THAN qualified to say that it is not an easy thing to do. It is not simple.No two dicks are the same, and even with the same dick, no two blow jobs will ever be the same. That is one of many reasons why I love it so. You don’t go to town on someone else’s dick thinking it’s a walk in the park. If you do, you are probably very bad at it.

Perhaps the reason this gentleman thinks that it’s easy to suck a dick or two is because he has a dick, and he knows fairly well what will please it. Perhaps it’s because we live in a culture that tells us fellatio is far more important than eating minge, and therefore the people in his life who have wrapped their lips round his penis have had different techniques and possibilities hammered home to them, with the same importance they were drilled in algebra at school. Maybe it’s because his lovers have taken the time and effort on his dick, rather than lapping half-heartedly at it, wondering when they can get a note to say they don’t have to, as he has so clearly done with eating pussy.

(He tells us that “women are absurdly demanding when it comes to oral sex… each woman has her own unique way of receiving and appreciating oral sex, as well as very specific requests.” WELL HOW ‘BOUT THAT ABSURDLY DEMANDING COMMUNICATION IN THE BEDROOM)

Whatever the reason, he’s clearly under the mistaken impression that sucking dick is easy, and that all dicks want to be sucked the same way. If there is literally any point in me as a human being, it is to correct this ridiculous assumption. So here goes…

Sucking dick is hard. It’s a challenge. It makes your neck hurt if you’re doing it at the wrong angle. I have sucked some bad dick and I have sucked some good dick – I would never claim that I am a sexual superhero. All I can say is that I know – with the passion of a true enthusiast – that it’s way more complicated than you think. Telling me that all blow jobs are ‘simple’ is like telling a trainspotter that there’s only one type of engine. Gentle, fast, hard, deep, shallow, teasing, edging, sloppy, just-the-tip, hands, no-hands, collared-to-the-bedposts-so-you-choke-it-down-like-gruel… there are HUNDREDS of different types of blow jobs, my friend.

There are some blow jobs where you’re building a perfect rhythm, with just the right suction and sloppiness, and you have to choke your way through a few breaths so you can get them to the ending they desire. Sometimes you know you need to change speed because your throat is full and your eyes are watering and you’re drooling all over their balls, and you need to switch up in just the right way that you increase their high rather than kill it. Occasionally you have to swallow down puke because you got too into it and you don’t really want to just stop.

YES. SOMETIMES I HAVE PUKED A BIT ON GUYS DICKS BECAUSE I WAS TRYING TOO DAMN HARD.

If you’d done the same, would you sit by and nod and smile when some fucking never-sucked-a-dick-BELLEND tried to tell you it was ‘simple’? Well, neither will I.

A good blow job is fucking art. It’s like playing jazz piano blindfolded for an audience you’re desperate to please. It’s improvisation and communication and skill and practise and a whole lot of love.

Tell me it’s fun. Tell me it’s a challenge. Tell me how you like it when your dick hits the back of my throat. All these things and more, please tell me: in exquisite and horny detail.

But don’t EVER tell me that sucking dick is easy.

Nothing in life is easy if you want to do it well.

46 Comments

  • seasideslut says:

    A beauty of a post, I love it. Really hope you’ve sent it to the Vice wanker!

  • EssexGeezer says:

    Well done.

    I don’t for one second believe that giving head is easy.

    A bad blow job is a awful experience, probably the same as receiving a bad supping of the furry cup.

    In my life I reckon I’ve had three women who knew how to pleasure me, but it was a learning experience for us both.

    Never underestimate the skill of a good cocksucker :-)

  • Azkyroth says:

    “The penis is a simple thing – it’s hard to get things completely wrong.”

    To which I reply: HOW FUCKING HARD ARE YOU SHITTING ME, SUNSHINE?

    Immediate counter-example: apparently some people find “don’t constantly scrape the ends of your incisors all over it” REALLY COUNTERINTUITIVE AND CHALLENGING for some reason. >.> Even when asked, kindly and repeatedly. To the point where the recipient’s enthusiasm for the act in general needs outright resurrecting by the time the relationship’s over.

    • Girl on the net says:

      I’ve heard a fair few people say this, and tbh I feel like maybe some people *do* know that they shouldn’t use teeth, but aren’t quite sure how to keep the teeth well out of the way? Like maybe it’s an angle thing or a size-of-mouth-to-penis thing? This is just a hypothesis because obviously I have never been there at the moment this has happened to do a play-by-play, but I have always wondered if it is just much harder for some people, because of their dental arrangement or what have you.

      • Azkyroth says:

        I don’t know. I do know that we hooked up once, most of a year after the relationship ended, and the other partners she’d had in the meantime were apparently worth it to her to figure it out for. >.>

  • Jessy says:

    I read his article, and its really insulting and humiliating. He calls the vulva “stench.” What kind of a person says that!?!

    Also I think there are people who don’t like oral sex, whatever reason it may be. But one should be respectful even when you’re talking about it.

    I can’t believe they’ve let this guy post this shit. For all I know, for a second I thought, “does my vagina smell bad?!”

    • Girl on the net says:

      Argh yes – I feel sorry for his previous partners. Not to mention the fact that he thinks they’re ‘demanding’ for doing what I think *anyone* should do in bed, which is communicating what they like. As you say, there’s nothing wrong with not liking a particular sex thing, but you can say ‘no’ to it without making sweeping twatty statements to people who do enjoy it. Nil points to him.

  • Good points well made, GoTN. The guy seems a bit of a twat (pun intended) to me. Really, who cares if he doesn’t like it? I don’t like peanut butter but I don’t go on about it. As with all things, both sexual and non-sexual, we like some things, we dislike others and are indifferent to the rest.

    Me, I love going down on a woman, but hey, that’s just me.

    Anyway, in answer to your questions:

    – Hard or soft? – This refers to your technique, right? Not my state of turgidity? I’m pretty sure I’ll be hard. Um, start off slowly but build it as you go along. Maybe ease off a wee bit before the end (I’ll let you know when that’s about to happen – honest!)
    – Wet and sloppy? Tight? – This is a choice? I’m sure you can do tight, wet and sloppy at the same time.
    – Do you use your hands as well? – Please do, although again, maybe not so much towards the end.
    – Look up at the person you’re doing it to? – I do like eye contact from the woman sucking me, but if what you’re doing has caused me to screw my eyes tightly shut, you’re excused.
    – Stick your finger up their arse? – Personally, not keen on this one.
    – What about circumcised versus uncircumcised? – I’m not. If you have a different technique for each, go with what seems right for mine.
    – Do you take it right to the back of your throat? – Entirely up to you. Personally I’m just delighted you’re sucking my cock, but if you want a face fucking, I’m happy to oblige.
    – How do you interpret the noises they’re making? – Unless I’m screaming “Ouch! That fucking hurts!” probably safe to assume that they are appreciative.
    – When do you know when to speed up or slow down? – I tend to like it slower at the start and at the end with it faster in the middle. I’ll try to let you know but my attention might be a little unfocussed on account of the fact I’m getting my cock sucked.
    – In what position should you be to minimise neckache and maximise their enjoyment? – Now that’s a toughie. When going down on a woman, I generally find having her lower her cunt on to my mouth is most comfortable for me, but that really doesn’t help you a whole lot.
    – Is it OK to rub your jeans-clad crotch against their foot so you get a bit of clit stim while you’re doing it? – Oh please, be my guest; it’s only fair that you should enjoy yourself too.
    – How and when are you going to BREATHE? – Aw come on, you expect a guy to be able to tell a girl how to multi-task?

    Yeah, OK, so I hope you realise my tongue was firmly in my cheek there and that I wasn’t deliberately being a massive bellend.

    As you say, it’s an art, and like all live performances, it will be different every time depending on your mood, the situation, the cock you are sucking and the mood of the person that cock belongs to. That said, the same is true for every sexual act and, as you so rightly point out, the key to getting it “right” is communication.

    That said, I do realise it’s hard to talk when you’ve got your mouth full… ;)

    KW

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ummm blimey. I know your tongue was fairly in your cheek there but… yeah. Hmm… The reason for putting those questions up was just to show that there’s more to think about than ‘put in mouth, suck.’ Any answers are going to be unique to the individual. I know you know this, I just wanted to say because otherwise it looks weirdly like you’re trying to teach me specifically how to suck your specific dick =)

      Re: wet and sloppy versus tight, I’m mainly referring to the difference between opening your mouth and taking it to the back of your throat, leaving space around your lips for drool/the guy to put fingers/spit into, or wrapping your lips entirely around it to create a seal. I don’t know why it was so important to me to clarify this =)

  • Kinky Lad says:

    I agree completely it isn’t easy and I’m a guy. I do love going down on women though, not sure why I just do whether they are sitting on my face or playing tent under their skirt enjoy giving them the pleasure they give me. As this is post is about sucking dick rather than eating pussy I’ll leave it at that.

  • Chris says:

    Wow, what can you say to a tirade of ignorant nonsense like that article?

    There is nothing sexy about entitlement, or about sleeping with someone who thinks your vagina is like a wound and doesn’t like the smell.

  • North Country Shy Boy says:

    Reading the original article in Vice, the whole thing has an awful whiff of misogyny, from a man who is clearly only interested in his own sexual pleasure and not his partner’s.
    Contrast that with not just your post here, but all of your blog.
    We probably all take pleasure in receiving presents at Christmas; who wouldn’t? However, there are plenty of people who get a bigger kick from taking time to find that perfect gift for someone you love and knowing you’ve got it spot on from the look on their face when they unwrap it.
    Crap euphemism I’m sure, but I think I know which camps you and Viceboy fall into…

    BTW, there are many things that generally make it a very hot experience to perform cunnilingus:
    The view (oh God, the view),
    The feel of the inner thigh
    The moistness
    The smell
    The appreciative noises
    Exploring the texture and intricacy of the labia
    If/when to introduce your fingers or a toy
    The orgasms
    And, yes, the goddamn taste!
    Viceboy doesn’t know what he’s missing.

  • I have always loved fellatio with a clean penis. I’ve always expected my men to wash before having sex of any sort, but I realise I might be fastidious. Each man has a different reaction to oral sex, but I must admit that I’ve never found it hard to adapt to a man’s needs. I actually do find it fairly easy, but that might just mean I have a talent for it whereas others might have to work harder to achieve the same effect. Since Peter found me I’ve been monogamous and I know exactly what he loves. His post today makes that fairly clear.

    They all taste slightly different, of course. We all know that smoking can taint pre-cum and cum quite severely, as can strong beers, whisky, brandy and red wine. Drinking pineapple juice has a remarkable effect if done regularly, making pre-cum deliciously sweet and even improving semen considerably. It is never missing from our refridgerator.

    I can’t remember any one of my 26 partners who did not thrill to fellatio and virtually all of them enjoy a long slow build up and even slower torture at the end.

    As regards cunnilingus – I’ve only had one affair with a girl and I loved providing it. I did find it harder to do well than I’d imagined, especially the first time when I thought she’d never come. Maybe cunnilingus is not my talent. I’m certainly not as good at it as I am at fellatio.

    Peter wanted to add his take, but I’ve put my foot down and told him to make his own account.

    Very interesting article because I do find it easy and men have always told me my vulva tastes sweet or tangy and many have said others have not always been as nice. Too small a sample to have any meaning though.

  • Peter Stone says:

    The guy oviously has hang ups. You shouldn’t let him upset you.

    I was a participant in the seventie’s London orgy scene so have had blow-jobs from, literally, dozens of girls. Some were fast, some were slow, but all were totally briliant. There is something truly adorable about having a girl close her lips around your glans. Seriously it is such an honour to receive it first time, second time, exty-exth time. It is always amazing.

    I’ve had a few who were not very skilled, but comunication quickly resolve sthat.

    To be honest, I’m not a huge fan of the deepthroat technique, preferring the attention concentrated oraly on the top inch or 2 with manual assistance if needed. I love it slow. I’d love it to last for-ever, but understand it can’t. So, there you go.

    Also in the seventies I had a reputation for my own oral ability. It does seem to take longer tobring a girl to orgasm oraly, but there have been some who could get there in a couple of minutes when you got to no them. All vulvas taste different. They are different shapes with folds of skin and lips with all sorts of variations. Long floppy delicious wings and neat, porn-perfect pink pretties. I don’t care, I’ve always loved the taste, smell and texture of them all. Angie’s are fun cos their lopsided. LOL.

    Don’t let a prick get under your skin unless you wont it there, GOTN. Love your blog.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Hey, thanks Peter! And you’re right – communication can solve so many things when it comes to individual taste, etc. Don’t worry about my rage, though: I LOVE writing posts like this. Usually I’ll only do them if it’s something I’ve seen happen a bit (in this case, the whole ‘dick sucking is easy’ assumption, which I’ve heard a fair few times) but I think they’re fun to do, and worth writing: if it stops one person reiterating the myth that you just put it in and suck it, with no effort required, then it’s well worth it in my opinion =)

  • Molly says:

    I fucking LOVE you!

    I think we share a similar love of sucking cock and like you I have a performed my fair share of blow jobs and never ever found any two men to be the same. Also as you say, even the same man differs depending on his mood, if it is foreplay or just a ‘stand alone blow job’. Michael is a particular fan of the post fucking blow job, after he has cum, and it will very often result in him orgasming again. What he likes then, the pressure, the speed etc is very different from other times.

    In your list your forgot teeth, that is one I find men have very hard and fast rules on some, some love to feel the drag and pull of teeth and others are totally freaked out by it.

    Mollyxxx

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ooh that’s interesting – I’ve never met a man who’s asked for teeth, and now I feel like I need to meet one so I can experience another level of blow job possibility =)

      And YES to the post-fuck blow job, and also a slight ‘post blow-job blow-job’ – I know a bloke who loves a bit of post-orgasm gentle sucking/playing etc, and the first time he explained this to me I was really surprised, as many others had been quite keen for it to all stop as soon as he’d come. It’s things like this that make me love sex all the more – every little detail that’s unique to each individual. x

      • certain people says:

        I think some people may be aren’t into teeth because do teeth wrong, and it’s…well, excruciating. Easy to get put off, either receiving or trying. But do it right, and, oh, oh yes, please, don’t dare stop, yes :)

        • I’ve never had to worry about keeping my teeth out of the way. I always wondered whether some authors have ever performed fellatio with their female characters always having to take care to shield their teeth (can’t remember if it is EL James or Sylvia Day who keeps mentioning it). I do deliberately (and very carefully LOL) use them for added effect though.

          As for the post-sex or post blow-job blow-job, Peter loves me just gently fellating him for as long as I wish after he’s come. I enjoy it and he loves it. I’ve fallen asleep on his tummy doing it and he’s fine with that as his second coming is as likely as the Messiah’s these days, so it has never been done to achieve a second climax, just as a loving wind-down.

          • Girl on the net says:

            “his second coming is as likely as the Messiah’s” – this made me laugh out loud =) I know what you mean – sometimes there’s just something great about doing it for the sake of a pleasurable wind-down without necessarily any race to a conclusion!

      • Nibble says:

        It’s one of my big fantasies to get blowjobs with teeth/asking for teeth. Because the trill of trusting a sexy mouth to use those meat tearing chompers and give me pleasure with them turns me so on. It’s more a visual thing, i want it to look dangerous. Like stuff in: (google) tumblr BiteJobs…and other Kink!

  • Sadie says:

    My current squeeze doesn’t go down on me. We’ve never ever discussed him doing it within our D/s dynamic.

    And until I read Mr Viceboy’s post today I realised I hadn’t actually missed it in the last 18 months because my partner so clearly enjoys pleasing me in other ways that almost made me forget he doesn’t it. Whatever the dynamic of a relationship, if someone is uncomfortable with a sexual act, they shouldn’t feel they have to do it. Having someone do something to do you know they aren’t enjoying isn’t fun for either if you care about your partner’s feelings.

    I get the feeling though Viceboy is more of the school of not doing the hard work if he can help it. You just know he lies back with his hands behind his head while his partners are going down on him and probably got them there with the unsubtle head push. I don’t trust a man who calls a vagina a wound and complains about women all being different and having individual desires. That’s just a detailed definition of being a fuckboy basically.

    • Girl on the net says:

      “I don’t trust a man who calls a vagina a wound and complains about women all being different and having individual desires.” YES – I think you’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s the whole ‘oh they’re all so different’ thing that really bugs me. To me that says ‘I cannot be bothered to learn a new person, and if there’s no cheat sheet I’m not interested.’

      Agree wholeheartedly on the acts themselves too – no one should feel compelled to do something they don’t like sexually – it’s about mutual pleasure rather than the exchange of specific acts.

  • Nick says:

    I was married for many years to a woman who bailed out of blow jobs early, either they became disinterested handjobs, or I fucked her. Never got finished off.
    We split, and my girlfriend now is well into the idea of showing me delights of which I have never experienced before.
    Also, as it’s a relatively long distance relationship, by the time we share a bed, I will finally be circumcised. (Medical necessity)
    So reading your post, GOTN, gives me all sorts to think about.
    I come to fellatio with a fresh head, if you catch my drift…
    x

  • Oh a thousand times, yes! What a ridiculous thought – that it is easy. So insulting too.

  • Jane says:

    I haven’t read the article yet (still working myself up to it) but I’d really like to know if he’s ever actually sucked a dick himself? If he hasn’t, maybe someone should suggest it so he can see just how ‘simple’ it is …

    Jane
    xxx

  • John Strong says:

    This is a fun read. I suspect this man is a fool, though I suspect am a little orally fixated. I so love giving cunnilingus that I do find it hard to comprehend those who object, and suspect there is something nasty, repressed and misogynistic at work, though that’s probably unfair. I have sucked dick a few times and am no expert but it seemed to make the recipient very happy. There is a wonderful ‘stooping to conquer’ power in giving great oral, an act the for me has a nice submissive ritual but gives the giver a huge amount of power over the recipients pleasure. Whether one is easier than the other I don’t know. The pussy and cock are attached to a person and what’s happening in their had has more to do with it than my oral dexterity.

    • Girl on the net says:

      “There is a wonderful ‘stooping to conquer’ power in giving great oral” – oooh I love the way you put that!

  • Ranoonai says:

    The smell is generally bad though, I don’t think it’s misogynist to mention that – as obviously crappy as this Vice article is.

    • Girl on the net says:

      Maybe not misogynist but given that plenty of people enjoy eating cunt, and love the smell, writing about your own opinions on the smell as if it’s universal is certainly pretty ignorant. And I’d guess that going from ‘I don’t like it’ to ‘all women smell bad’ is a sign of either bitterness, bad experience, or a total lack of empathy. Which is yours?

      • Ranoonai says:

        Must be bad experience. But fair enough, I should imply that something is universal, I also hate ketchup but wouldnt claim it tastes awful to everybody. The problem is, the smell is unavoidable, as the position of your face and nose is right in there. So if the smell is unpleasant you’re fucked aren’t you, even if you enjoy every other aspect of it.

        • Girl on the net says:

          You could say that about literally any sex act. So I hope you can understand why, when people choose to say it only about cunnilingus, other people are a bit suspicious.

  • Jo says:

    I have chronic jaw pain, so every time I give a blow job, it hurts like a son of a bitch. I still do it and I LOVE it, even though it’s painful. It’s never easy, but my partner’s pleasure is worth the discomfort. I also expect my partners to be into cunnilingus; you don’t go down, we don’t fuck. Period. I think the only reason this guy has found sexual partners is because women have been taught since the beginning of time that our pleasure is unimportant. And *that’s* the biggest bullshit.

  • The quiet one says:

    Nothing hotter than feeling your man’s hands pressing your thighs into the mattress as he slowly circles your clit with his tongue. Second only to watching him go weak as you return the favour :)

    This guy is clearly an idiot and should be disregarded.

  • Well, said , GotN.
    I know some people don’t have much experience, as in they’ve only sucked a few different cocks (or perhaps only one) – not me.
    It is amazing how different they all are.
    How men like if done differently.
    How they like different things are different times/ or on different days.
    Sucking dick is difficult hard work! That is thoroughly enjoyable to do, but you have to make an effort.

    From experience, I can say the same about going down on a woman too.
    What’s more.
    If you want a great sex life you need to make an effort.
    That guy deserves all the dull-in-bed sex that he is likely to get.

  • As for pussy pong!
    Maybe he’s been with a woman with BV?
    Otherwise, I would say that people, in general, smell different to each other. And odour is a source of attraction or repellant.
    I have also not like the smell of some people (‘s genitals) up close
    and that’s just we’re obviously the wrong chemical combination.
    Move on
    Try new lovers
    Until you find the right intoxicating smell that you simply can’t get enough of.
    And BTW – my own pussy smells so good I wish I could lick it myself!

  • D. says:

    Hrmmm. I do find men easier to get off than women, when going down on them, in general. I’d certainly rather bet on making a man come with my mouth than a woman, despite far more experience of doing the latter.

    On the receiving end, the few notably best and the few very notably worst blowjobs I’ve received were all from women. The ones from men tend to all be ‘pretty good’, but never spectacular.

    To be fair, I imagine the men I’ve been down on might say the same about me… I don’t think I’m spectacularly good at it, just keen when the mood strikes me. :-)

  • Chris says:

    To me this is ‘oh blowjobs are so easy so it’s not a problem for you to just sort me out tonight, or whenever I expect it, and if you don’t you’re some kind of sexual slacker who neglects me, but doing the same in return is SOOOO HAAAAARD how can you reasonably expect me to return the favour on a regular basis’.

    Meh.

  • Danny says:

    Daft lad…when his girl runs off hell be wondering why…cunnilingus is a gift from above…and how women smell is a raving aphrodisiac…

  • ancilla ksst says:

    Yes, yes, yes! For some reason men seem to think that giving a blow job is easier or less involved than having sex for the woman. Not so! Sex is way easier.

    I don’t like receiving cunnilingus as much as some other things, but whatever floats yer boat, right?

  • tedstrutz says:

    I enjoyed your post. Having not been presented with this situation myself, I can relate to experience with cunnilingus. Similar, and that guy who wrote the post that started this… fuck him. I will make sure I am at the right angle next time I’m on the receiving end.

    p.s. I love Jessica Jones too.

  • Z says:

    Neither are hard, like everything in life it just requires practice

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