All Posts – Page 260

On tits

The problem with people is that they don’t touch my tits enough. There is a serious lack of tit-grabbing in my life, and it’s an issue that frankly needs to be adressed. My MP didn’t reply to my letter, so I’m going to write it here instead:

I love my tits, they’re awesome. They’re also extremely sensitive. If you touch them I will whimper like a slut in handcuffs. Touch them.

Teenage boys are (sorry, were when I was younger – please don’t arrest me) amazing in a multitude of ways, but primarily they are amazing because they show tits the love that they deserve. A teenage boy will stare at them, squeeze them, suck them, bite them, and all but worship them as the second coming of Christ if you let him get within a couple of feet.

But grown-ups seem to be bored of them. Sure, they’ll give you a quick feel when you’re snogging, they’ll take off your top and do some cursory playing during sex, but it’s been a long time since someone tried to furtively get mine out in the back row of a cinema, or gaped at them open-mouthed like a drooling dog in a butcher’s shop.

I’ve never met a man who says he doesn’t like tits. And yet as grown men they miss out on a million opportunities to touch them up. I can think of no occasion when I’ve been sitting with a guy on the sofa getting stoned and watching South Park that wouldn’t have been immeasurably improved if he’d had one hand down my shirt idly pinching one of my nipples.

Likewise I’ve been on countless long bus journeys that would have seemed shorter with a guy’s hands up my top. In McDonalds? If no kids are looking, why not reach over and pop open one of the buttons on my shirt. Have a look, go on. Walking down the street? Put your hand round my waist so you can slide it up occasionally and cup one of them in your hand. If I’m in the front seat of a car and you’re in the passenger seat, reach round and grab them. Come up behind me while I’m writing and run your hands down from my shoulders and into my bra. Slip one hand inside my coat on a cold winter’s day. Go on. Please. Touch my tits – I’ll buy you a sandwich.

And during sex? Why not grab them? Go on – just a bit, squeeze them a little. If you’re on top and you need your arms to hold you up, put one hand on each of my tits and hold yourself up that way. It hurts, and is hot and brilliant. I appreciate that watching them jiggle is one of the most fun things about sex, but why not interrupt that jiggling every once in a while by grabbing my nipples and feeling my cunt twitch and my legs tense up as you squeeze them nice and hard, yeah?

I guess as you grow up you’re more focused on the ultimate goal – the cunt. But while your cock’s in there your hands are free, so if it’s not too much trouble, and if you’re not that busy: touch them. Pretty pretty please.

Tits are like kittens: extremely popular on the internet

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On condoms

Everyone hates condoms – they’re rubbish. They’re all rubbery and they smell weird and there’s a break in sex where you have to tear the packaging and struggle your desperate, throbbing cock into something that will end up diminishing your enjoyment of the whole thing. See? Rubbish.

I mainly hate them because they mean I miss out on the fantastic moment when you shoot directly inside me. When your cock twitches and I can feel the first few spurts of hot spunk deep in my cunt.

However, now that we’ve accepted that they’re rubbish, let’s put it behind us. I know you hate them, you know I hate them, but you’re going to wear one anyway. Because no matter how annoying and desensitising and killjoy an item they are, they save lives.

How terribly dramatic.

But the drama’s worth it – they genuinely do. They prevent hideous diseases, they prevent unwanted pregnancies, they are the guardians of your health, wellbeing, and wallet. If you wear a condom and use it well you can pretty much guarantee you won’t have to deal with a child support agency or a difficult blood test.

In the spirit of condom love, here are a few options that might make condoms… if not fun… then at least less un-fun than they are generally considered:

Practise putting it on

Everyone likes being good at things, right? You know that bit of sex where you take the girl’s bra off, and you occasionally manage to do it one-handed like a fucking sex-god superstar? Make your condom-donning one of those special tricks. Can you pull it out of your pocket, remove the wrapper, and slide it onto your cock without her even knowing you’ve moved your hands? Do it.

For a while I got so good at it that guys didn’t even realise what I was doing until it was halfway on.

Make a point of it

If you can’t do it secretly, make a meal of it – condoms are a crucial element of anonymous/casual sex, so why not acknowledge that they are actually a bit sexy? Think about it: the point at which a condom comes out of the wallet and slides onto your dick is the point at which you’re both consenting to fuck. That’s the moment – no more worrying, no more easing into it, no more persuasion and anticipation – bam. When the condom’s on, unless nuclear war breaks out, we’re going to fuck. So enjoy it.

Tell me to put it on you. Make me sit back and watch while you do. Ask me to touch myself as I watch you roll it down your shaft. You know we’re going to fuck, let me know that you know it. Show me confidence. Show me condoms. And show me your fucking cock.

Shut the fuck up

The final rule, and the most important one – once it’s out and on your dick, shut the living fuck up about it. Don’t complain that it’s too tight, don’t say halfway through that you won’t come because of it.

We both know it’s rubbish, but so’s the sound the neighbours are making upstairs. So’s the fact that it’s overly hot and we might both be a bit drunk and thirsty. So’s the slightly itchy feeling when you bury your stubbled face in my neck.

Remarkably enough, none of this matters when your dick is inside me. That’s what we’re here for, let’s concentrate on that. If you’re pounding six kinds of hell out of me, the fact that you won’t come isn’t something I want to hear. You can always whip it off at the end and pick your favourite target, but in the meantime shut the fuck up and fuck me.

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On boys who keep going even after they’ve come

Bonus blog fact: these knickers were bought in the 50p discount bin of a high street shop. I have more than got my money's worthARGH WHY. Of all the bullshit that men are taught about sex that I have to then un-teach them, this is one of the ones that most frustrates me:

“You should still try and pleasure a woman even after you’ve come.”

Why? What’s in it for you? Oh, sorry – you’re selfless. You’re a selfless, giving, good-Samaritan of a man who’ll be kind enough to fumble with my cunt even at the point after orgasm when, for you, it holds less interest than a bacon sandwich.

Why thanks – you’re too kind. I don’t know about you but what I dream about in my wildest fantasies is a man who is spent, exhausted and completely sexually disinterested rummaging around like he’s trying to re-light the gas hob.

“I want to make sure you’re getting something out of it.”

Trust me: I am. And you’ll know about it with loud and vigorous enthusiasm right up until the climax – the most IMPORTANT BLOODY PART – whether you jizz in me, on me, or somewhere over the frigging rainbow. I can come any time I like, but it’s not every day I get to taste your spunk in my mouth.

That’s why I bought my ticket. That’s what I’m here for.

If I don’t come, and you do, that is fine by me. I can lie there in the afterglow feeling your come slowly drying on my stomach, listening to your post-shag panting and feeling satisfied that we both had a great time. What I can’t do is enjoy the afterglow if you’re still half-heartedly prodding at my clit.

So please, gentlemen, PLEASE, for the love of all that’s good and beautiful and drenched in sweat after an excellent ride: when you’re done, stop. You were wonderful.

Tits, face, arse, stomach… what are the best places to jizz?

I once got a text from a boy that just read: “When I see you on Friday can I come in your hair and/or eyes?” Brilliant. Not specifically the places, but the fact that he wanted it so badly. He had a thing for mess. Remembering this got me thinking about being covered in spunk, and the best places to jizz…

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On choking: why I like getting choked during sex

Warning: don’t fucking try this at home. I like getting choked during sex, but I am aware that it’s quite a dangerous thing to do, and therefore I don’t want to encourage you to plough on with this without an understanding of the risks and ways to mitigate them.

Now that’s out of the way: choking is one of my favourite things. It’s controlling, it’s cruel, it’s taboo, it says “hey, I’m going to do this whether you like it or not.” It makes a lot of guys, even ones who are otherwise pretty vanilla, very hard indeed.

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