On Sundays, we do anal. It’s not a hard-and-fast rule, although naturally we’re hoping that with enough ‘getting fucked in the ass’ practice for me, ‘hard and fast’ will eventually be the general tone of each occasion. But before we get to that point, we need patience, time, and preparation. A lot of preparation.

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Yeah, this post is literally just going to be 500 words of appreciation for your dick between my butt cheeks. Someone found my blog recently via this search term and I was horrified – HORRIFIED – that I have not yet described, in detail, the glory of this sensation.

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Good news, gang: thanks to HPV vaccines, there now exists a generation which will not have to worry as much about certain kinds of cancer.

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I want you to find a hard, cylindrical object. A bottle of deodorant or a broom handle will do – as long as it won’t break in your hand. Now grip it as tight as you can. Squeeze. Really squeeze, like you’re trying to crush it in your grasp. Do your muscles hurt? Good – hold for a few more seconds. Now let go. Feel the tingle in the crook between your fingers and your thumb. Note the absence of that object, feel how your empty hand almost hurts now it’s not there. That is how my cunt aches ten seconds before you fuck me.

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Let me make myself crystal clear: I write porn so you can wank to it. I don’t expect all of you to do that, of course, but I know that some of you will, and that knowledge makes me ridiculously happy. I would be even happier if you chose to print some out and spaff all over it. Let’s talk about cum tributes…

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