A long time ago on the internet, a guy called Mil Millington catalogued the arguments he’d had with his girlfriend. I have no idea how old this website is, but it’s old enough that it’s one of the first things I remember reading on the internet for ‘fun’ – before Twitter, before Facebook… even before I had a Livejournal. It’s mostly arguments about silly things like the rules of Robot Wars or how to correctly slice a kiwi fruit. And although it’s been a long time since I read it, I think it’s still percolating in my head somewhere because over Christmas I wrote the following post: ridiculous arguments I’ve had with my boyfriend.

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Good sex writing should – in my opinion – make you do something. Breathe a little faster, maybe. Reach into your pants, sometimes. Get in touch with someone you’ve been lusting after for ages… Well, this week’s guest blog made me squirm and wriggle and blush a bit while I was reading, then crave a little of this kind of scene myself. So please give a blushing, warm welcome to today’s guest blogger – international Mistress and courtesan Valerie August – with a story about how sometimes even a professional Mistress might need a little nurturing and discipline to guide her…

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Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they’re ugly and they smell. Hahaha hahaha. Hahahahaha oh God hahahaha my sides. Best joke ever. Wait – why aren’t you laughing? That one’s a classic! I thought it would have you rolling in the aisles! Today we’re going to talk about ironic sexism and comedy. Strap the fuck in.

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Sometimes a girl just gets an idea that won’t leave her head until she has made it happen. And when I first saw The Big Gay Review’s post about the Fleshlight Launch, I realised that this automated dick-stroking gadget could potentially be adapted to make one of my sexiest dreams come true: the dream I have about orgasm, and watching a guy get milked of all his lovely spunk. So I nagged Fleshlight, got them to send me a Launch, then settled down in my workshop to build a thing. Behold: The Machine.

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I’ve never done a proper guide to Christmas presents before – one where I actually recommend products to buy. That’s because I am absolutely Shit At Business. I suck at writing the more commercial blog posts because it sounds more boring to tell you to buy a sex toy than to tell you exactly why it turned me on. BUT this year at least two (TWO!) people have asked me for gift recommendations, so I’m going to give you a list of Christmas presents that you can buy for other people or yourself. It includes sex toys, books, and some non-sex-related things that I just think are really cool.

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