At some point, I will get back on The Apps. I know I have to. There are geographically convenient men in London just waiting to get shagged, and the only thing standing between them, me and a powerful ten-condom fuck is the fact that I can’t be arsed to take new dating site pictures. Oh! And the fact that my diary is looking pretty full until Christmas. Also that every time I consider meeting a new person I immediately run through all the possible ways it could be terrible/boring/frightening/disappointing until the whole thing starts to feel like admin. Oh God, what if the thing that’s standing in the way of this fun is… me? No, it can’t be that. That would mean it’s my fault. Instead, let’s pretend it’s because none of the dating sites are good enough, and the men I might meet on them are all wrong in interesting and hilarious ways. Join me in completely ignoring the impact my emotional baggage has on my life choices, as I present a few dating site reviews based purely on my prejudices about their brand.

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He puts my hand up against his crotch, tells me ‘press here – not too hard’ and twitches his pelvic floor. His muscles flutter at my fingertips and in the palm of my hand, his dick jumps. Throbs. I press my hand tightly against him and stare. Openly. Impolitely. Greedily. I look down his body, see my own hand cupping his cock, and feel the pulsing throb as he works those muscles.

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Hi, sorry, excuse me, yeah sorry to bother you. It’s just I’ve been thinking quite a lot lately about all the different ways to cum at the end of a wank, and I thought/hoped you might be interested in this list. I have ranked all the possible spaff-styles in order of how hot they are for me to see/imagine. Before I begin, it’s important to note that every single one of these methods is hot: the baseline here is not ‘not hot’, the baseline is ‘let me watch you do it and my cunt will gush,’ but for what it’s worth, here they are in order.

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Sorry, can’t write intro to this one, I have melted into a warm puddle of quim and happiness. Please welcome @EmiliaRomero22, she who lost her husband and found BDSM, and found joy in her body through camming – she’s back with a love letter to her body, and to the friend who helped her find delight in it again.

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This story is part 2 of ‘The Virgin and the Escort’ – written and read by Ariadne Awakes. “For my 40th birthday, I decided to treat myself to my favourite thing: you. I bought the whip and the spreader; you bought prosecco and coconut oil…”

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