Alone, I am no one and nothing. Anxious and vulnerable and desperate for love. Insecure and needy and truly, truly foolish. Left to my own devices I would probably never make difficult decisions. Let’s face it, I might not be capable of getting out of bed. But I can do even the hardest things because I have great people beside me. My people give me superpowers: you give me superpowers.
A man I loved betrayed a woman I loved a long long time ago. I am still not over it, and I don’t think I ever will be. I was quite young, but it’s still raw, this feeling, still present. The anger sits just beneath the surface of who I am, stored within me like carbon crushed to coal over centuries, just waiting for a spark that will set it all on fire. Recently, a different guy betrayed another woman I love, and I felt it all again. Exactly the same: that rush of hatred. Anger. The desire to tear down walls and scream. It’s absolutely none of my business, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
Do you remember the last time you cancelled plans for a night out? Or the last time someone invited you to a party and your kneejerk reaction was to sigh and lament how far you’d have to drag yourself out of town? Remember the last time a friend was in your area and invited you out for coffee, and you fumbled in your brain for an excuse because you were tired and hungover?
This is a love story, but it’s not the one you think. She’s been longing for him for what feels like forever, and they are finally going to meet. That aching, yearning, why-the-fuck-can’t-we-fuck feeling has charged all of the conversations I’ve had with her for the last six months.
It may be easy to introduce your partner to your friends if you’re dating someone with infinite swagger. But my partner is often quite shy. When I introduce him to my friends, he’s nervous and unsure – will they like him? Will they see in him what I do? Will the start of the evening – all shuffled feet and polite chitchat and coughing and staring at phones – eventually meld into one big conversation, when he gets swallowed into the group until no one can remember that he only met them four hours ago?