We’re making out. It’s smoking hot. We started off with me folded in his lap, feeling soft and small. Delicate. Unequivocally his. Then, after some firm kisses that resonated deep in my cunt, I got a little yearning to switch. To make him mine in return.

CN: smoking weed, breath play

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Back in the day, I used to get annoyed with sex toy companies who were obsessed with making their vibrators ‘cute’. I was pissed off with the assumption that I wouldn’t have a wank unless someone had completely desexualised a dildo by slapping a rabbit on the front of it. Or a dolphin. Or Hello Kitty. I think I was mostly annoyed because this masturbatory menagerie only seemed to gather around toys aimed at women: I’ve never seen Fleshlight slap an adorable squirrel or a pair of googly eyes onto one of their dick sheaths. You can read my 12-year-old cute sex toys rant here if you like, but only if you remember that I had a lot of anger back then, was wildly cisnormative, and on balance almost certainly wrong. Because today I am here to sing the praises of a sex toy that is a) capable of delivering some very impressive wanks and b) undeniably cute as all fuck. Allow me to introduce the Doxy Go.

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If you’d rather hear this one read aloud, join my Patreon (at any tier) and go to this update: it starts at 14:45. If you want to catch up with the trilogy (though it’s not necessary to read them in order), here’s part 1 (cunt) and part 2 (ass). This is part 3 (mouth), and it’s my favourite. 

Shagging new people isn’t just a question of teaching them how I like to be touched, or which words make me squirm with desire. Sometimes I find myself having to school men on the basics, like ‘it’s not shameful if you can’t get hard’ or ‘you’re allowed to take some time to get comfortable before I start sucking your dick’. New guys often behave like sex is this thing which must be done correctly, immediately, or they’ll somehow lose points. This isn’t a criticism, my dudes, it’s understandable that some of you have taken this message from society, because society’s been shrieking bullshit at you for ages, telling you that this is how sex works. It even uses words like ‘performance’ when trying to sell you boner pills, as if fucking is a production you’re putting on, and I’m just the audience who will sit there and applaud.

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It’s that time again! It feels like it comes round earlier each year, doesn’t it? It’s Masturbation Month, which means that by the time I publish this you have probably all already wanked yourselves into a stupor with the fabulous selection of sex toys you already own. So, like a sexier, sweatier, sluttier version of Santa I’m here to unload a sack full of awesome Masturbation Month deals direct from my sponsors right into your eyes.

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“I just need you to know,” one guy told me, before we started fucking, “that I very rarely come during penetrative sex. In fact, I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times that’s happened.” It didn’t matter who he was fucking or where his dick happened to be, he had very rarely ever come inside. You’d hope that someone as body-positive and sex-knowledgeable as Girl on the fucking Net would instinctively have some bon mot at the ready to put him at ease and reassure him that delayed ejaculation (or an inability to ejaculate full-stop) is common, and nothing to be ashamed of. And I did but… Although my rational brain was more than happy to explain that I don’t actually need champagne fountains of jizz in order to be sexually satisfied depressingly – embarrassingly – my heart fluttered with something a little different. When he told me how few people had managed to get him to come inside them, something deep in my soul chimed in with: ‘I bet I can do it, though.’

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