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On porn

I am told that in certain circumstances underboob definitely counts as pornIt’s brilliant. Can I leave it at that? No, I guess not – it’s complicated.

Please assume when I’m talking about porn and singing its sweaty, jizz-splattered praises, I’m talking about porn in which the people are consenting, well paid (if it’s professional), well looked after, etc. Of course you can never fully know this. Even a lot of amateur porn sometimes gives me nervous thoughts if I realise it could have been filmed secretly or uploaded without all participants giving consent.

But perhaps this is a discussion for another day.

For now let’s just talk about why its brilliant. I’m a big fan of imagination, and I like to think that my own is, if not great, then at least capable of furnishing me with enough scenarios to keep me happily wanking for the rest of my life, with only occasional breaks to drink gin and eat crisps.

However, it’s nice to look at someone else’s imagination now and then. Apart from giving me some nice stuff to wank to, porn has also improved my life in a number of excellent ways.

Porn inspires me to try new things

Some things I do by instinct – mostly submissive stuff. No one needs to show me a video of a girl crying while she gets throat-fucked to tell me that, you know, it’s spectacularly hot.

But most of the dominant things I do I learned by watching porn. I’m not naturally the sort of person who would put nipple clamps on a guy, make him take the chain in his mouth, then ride him while he squealed in agony. Likewise, why would I instinctively tie something tight around a guy’s cock and balls so it throbbed and ached while I wanked him to the brink of coming, over and over again, until he cried?

These are things I learnt from porn. And now that I have seen them, not only have I done them and enjoyed it – I’ve also been tempted to try out more new things. Some of them hit, some of them missed, and some of them have blown my mind.

It gets boys in the mood

Believe it or not, guys aren’t always up for a fuck. Sometimes they’re tired or drunk or hungover or stressed or in the middle of rolling a joint or writing an essay. And in these situations, it is always worth picking one of your favourite videos and putting it in his line of sight. Sometimes he’ll ignore it, or shout “woman, you will be the fucking death of me” but sometimes it’ll work.

On a good day he’ll catch on to exactly what you want him to do and you can watch his dick grow hard through his jeans until it’s solid enough for you to sit on. Porn did that. Way to go, porn.

Porn’s good for hinting

Ever had sex and wished they’d fuck you just that little bit harder? Want to find out what buttsex is like but too nervous to ask? Got a thing for pissing into a cup then forcing your partner to drink it? Or soaping your girl up, pushing a shower hose into her cunt and watching her squirm as she comes in the bath?

These can all be difficult subjects to broach, especially if your sex life is reasonably vanilla. So porn can be a great way to test the waters of something before you leap in with it. Send someone a video with a teasing question – ‘I don’t know why, but this really gets me hot. What do you think?’ The worst they can do is say no. The best they can do is rock up at your house with a bucket of lube and a filthy grin.

But, girlonthenet, what is the best bit of porn on the internet?

Good question, I’m glad you asked. It is this one. You’re welcome.

Postscript: if this link breaks please leave a comment letting me know. Occasionally this video gets deleted from places and I have to do some crying and then re-find it.

On that sex cinema in Soho

Update 2018: I’m adding new art to this very old post, and I realise that this glorious sex cinema frolic might need a bit of a content warning. It was a deeply pleasurable, intensely filthy thing, which I loved taking part in. It was also intense, as you’d imagine any event involving a slightly-nervous girl, her even-more-nervous boyfriend, and a gang of eager men with erections might be. It might not be for everyone, but if you like that sort of thing I’d like to reassure you that all of this was fully consensual, and I’m grateful to all these strangers for showing me such a sexy time! 

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Tits, face, arse, stomach… what are the best places to jizz?

I once got a text from a boy that just read: “When I see you on Friday can I come in your hair and/or eyes?” Brilliant. Not specifically the places, but the fact that he wanted it so badly. He had a thing for mess. Remembering this got me thinking about being covered in spunk, and the best places to jizz…

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