Sinful Sunday is a fun sex blogger meme whereby people take one photo and post it on Sunday – the photo has to be erotic in some way (although you don’t necessarily have to be naked). It can be of something you love, or of you, or whatever. But basically what happens is loads of people post really interesting, hot, personalised snaps that sum up what ‘erotic’ means to them, and I love it. I really wanted to join in, so I had a bash. Here’s how yesterday evening should have gone:
“Hey, I want to take a cool picture for this sex blogger meme because I’m trying to join in with memes and stuff at the moment.”
“Ooh, that sounds fun.”
“It is. I have to be sexy.”
“OK, take your pants off.”
“But I also have to be comfortable.”
“OK, I’ll get you a coat.”
Cue hours of fun while we got a bit fucked up, got semi naked, and took loads of snaps that fit the criteria of being ‘erotic’, without necessarily having to be explicit or naked, then another happy hour while we scrolled through the pictures and picked the best one to publish here.
That’s not what happened, though.
That conversation happened, then we tried, then we failed, then we tried again. We tried from about 7pm until about 1 in the morning and I have nothing.
I’d prepared and everything – I did not take this lightly. I spoke to Stuart earlier this week and asked him to illustrate my Wednesday blog instead of the regular Sunday one:
“I’m going to do Sinful Sunday,” I told him, as if I would actually manage to take a sexy photo of myself without downing half a bottle of wine and then crying in a corner. I prepared. Went for a walk. Had a bath. Got chilled and comfy. I took some clothes off, posed, had a go at selfies in front of mirrors. I got a load of different things to wear. I asked a guy to take some pictures of me, imagining the kind of long and fun session that starts with a cute idea and ends in a vigorous fuck.
And we created a bunch of pictures – each and every one of which made me miserable and sad. Pathetically I cannot even post one of them here as an example of how bad I am at this. When I first started blogging I had some amazing photos taken by a couple of people who actually know how to take photos – you can see some of them in the earlier blog entries, or the gallery that I made because guys kept asking me for photos and I couldn’t bear to reply with a sadface one more time. My body hasn’t changed a lot since then: it is, in fact, so similar that I’m still wearing that same spotty bra that I had back in 2011. But while my body hasn’t changed, my mind has. And currently my mind doesn’t let me take a photo without kicking off and telling me that it’s not right: I look weird or the lighting’s wrong or there’s too much of my life in the background. This one looks like I’m trying too hard, that one like I’m not trying hard enough. The hat I’m wearing in this other one – is it too recognisable? I should have done my nails. I should pose less stiffly. I should find something that genuinely arouses me. But the things I do find sexy are not the kind of things that readers who click on the image will want to wank to.
I am not a photo-y sex blogger, and I’ve ranted before about how things like Facebook and Google give more weight to pictures rather than words, which is annoying if you’re a wordy person like I am. There are many, many, many amazing visual sex bloggers who do gorgeous stuff. It’s why Sinful Sunday is one of my favourite blogging memes, and why I have always wanted to join in. It’s why Sinful Sunday was top of my list when I said I’d do a month of blog memes. It’s why now I am so gutted that I have failed.
Here’s the deal: no one’s actually making me do this thing. No one is standing over me with an angry expression, tapping their foot and shouting ‘hey GOTN, why won’t you take a fucking photo?!’ I just decided to do it because a few people told me I should, and it seemed like a fun personal challenge. I could do something I don’t do that often, nudge myself out of my comfort zone, and simultaneously throw a bone to the guys who message me all the time saying ‘it would be nice if we could see a bit more of you *winky face*’ which is basically code for ‘it would be nice if we could see a picture of your cunt or something.’ And, of course, having set myself a challenge, what I do is then build it up until it is the most important thing I’m going to do that day, beat myself up if I can’t do it, and then feel like a metric tonne of shit if I don’t manage it. Even more shit because I can’t just write a normal blog for today and put it up, I feel like I need to apologise for being fucking useless because I promised a bunch of people that I would definitely do this, and that at worst I’d at least have something to show, and I feel compelled to explain why, thus publishing a blog post that’s rubbish, and will be of no interest to anyone.
But I have to, because that’s how my brain works, and it won’t let me do anything else until I’ve either completed the challenge or explained why I can’t, so here:
I can’t do this. It is not my thing. I’m sorry.
Please go and visit Sinful Sunday, and show your love for some of the amazing people who do it, who I have an even greater respect for now that I have tried and failed. I particularly love (and these are NSFW links so please be aware) Kilted Wookie’s, A to Sub Bee’s, Understanding Flutterby’s, and Cammies on the Floor’s amazing wax play this week, but all of them are awesome: it’s why it’s one of the most successful sex blog things. It’s a thing I will never be able to do, so if you like pictures please bookmark it and support those who do. We all have our things, this just isn’t mine.