An imaginary conversation with an imaginary guy who does not yet know about the sex blog. File this, along with so much else, under ‘why I’m not on dating sites right now.’

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It’s been a while since the genius Jenby (aka @JenetalTorture) guest blogged for me, but if you’re familiar with her incredible past work (Pun-tastic pony play, anyone? Bimbofication? Squirting? Read the lot, treat yourself!) you will understand why, when her pitch email popped up in my inbox, I positively squeaked with glee. All her work is clever, funny, horny, and kinky-as-fuck, and frankly if I had been asked which writer I thought most likely to have had intense fun with a surveillance kink, her name would be top of the list. Got yourself a smart home? Know that it can be used to absolutely fuck with you…

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A selection of text messages I sent a while ago to spread some important news (I got laid).

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It’s that time of year again, and honestly while I wanna adopt a world-weary tone of ‘oh God yet more sex toy sales’, it’d be churlish of me to do that because this genuinely is one of the best times of year to pick up some bargains. This page is going live with the currently available sex toy deals and I’ll update it each time another site sponsor opens up their Black Friday sex toy deals, so keep an eye on the page.

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Firstly, welcome! Thank you so much for coming. Please help yourself to coffee and cake – I made three different kinds of cake because I’d like to make sure there’s something you enjoy. I admire and respect and very desperately want to impress you. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for your time today, and I’ll try not to waste a single second of it, so let’s get stuck in. I’ve prepared a brief presentation on why you should let me borrow your boyfriend.

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