All the sexy firemen, stripping police officers and naughty nurses leave me cold. I understand why uniforms are hot, but the idea that someone who has one of these jobs is necessarily hot just because they wear a uniform that is in some way vaguely similar to something you can buy in Ann Summers is frustrating and bizarre.
Some nurses are hot. Some firemen are hot. But the qualities of the sexiest jobs have, in my opinion, very little to do with the uniform. I say this because I fancy computer programmers – boys whose ‘uniform’ consists mostly of scrubby jeans and a coffee-stained hoodie. I cannot get enough of them.
It’s not a fetish in the strictest sense of the word (I have successfully orgasmed with men who wouldn’t know their YAML from their ‘oh no seriously now I’m going to have to Google YAML so I don’t look stupid.’), but it’s certainly a bit more than an itch that occasionally requires scratching.
What’s so sexy about programmers? Well, their quick fingers, for one – typing frantically into the mysterious Matrix-like black box with the same intense focus as a boy playing a particularly tricky Xbox game.
Then there’s the mystery itself: I have no sodding clue what they’re doing. The brackets and squiggles and dots mean about as much to me as the Chinese alphabet, and they are all the sexier for it.
Finally, there’s the brains. Ah, brains. The most desirable thing about a human, not just according to zombies but to other humans too. Not everyone has them but the majority of people like them, don’t they? I’ve never heard someone saying, of a potential squeeze: “Well, he’s lovely, but he’d be lovelier if he was as dumb as a bag of bricks.” Or “she’s hot, I just wish she didn’t know her 13 times table.”
I think you might agree with me on at least one of the above points. You might not get wet at the thought of male programmers (and even if you did you’d have to step back and sit on your hands because I think you’ll find they’re all mine), but the hands-mystery-brains trilogy is surely common in many people’s lusts.
To experiment (like they do in science, only involving far less peer-review and a hell of a lot more cider) I asked the good folk of Twitter what they thought were the sexiest jobs. Here is but a tiny selection of their answers:
Bass players and guitarists were the most popular, which explains why they get so many groupies and dribbling, wide-eyed fans. Lots of people suggested something along these lines, or other jobs that involved strong or dextrous hands – clearly from the ‘quick fingers’ school of arousal, and I cannot possibly argue.
@girlonthenet Bass guitar player, no question.
— Innocent Loverboy (@innocentlb) March 18, 2013
@girlonthenet something meaning they work with their hands – rough calloused hands…. *sigh*….
— Charlie (@The_Lady_Sybil) March 18, 2013
Onto mystery, and despite the diverse offerings here, I maintain that much of what’s sexy in this stuff is the mysterious nature of it. I find all of the following occupations hot, not because they are sexy per se, but because I know nothing about them, and so the idea of having a guy teach me how to do them, with gentle patience and occasional discipline, slicks my knickers like butter in the microwave.
@girlonthenet mathematician. Or chef.
— Katherine Stephen (@katobell) March 18, 2013
@girlonthenet Jobs that involve speaking more than one language.
— Suze(@SuzeMarsupial) March 18, 2013
Quite a few people gave very brains/ideas-focused offerings.
@girlonthenet Doctors. Because, doctors.
— Kate (@ginandting) March 18, 2013
I particularly liked the lady who was so into brains, and also in such a kickass-brainy job that she aroused even herself:
@girlonthenet the sexiest job to have is being a barrister. I am strangely drawn to myself. :)
— Emma Dixon (@EmmaDixon_Green) March 18, 2013
I wish this could happen to me. Sadly all of my self-arousal relies on ‘quick-fingers’ style hotness.
Anyway, I reckon my hands-mystery-brains trilogy covers off pretty much all of the things for which I could gain an immediate and shallow attraction to someone, and it has the added bonus that I think most people would identify with at least one of those things.
Even if you don’t fancy musicians, if you like the quick-hands of coders you can probably appreciate why someone else would want to lick a cellist. Even if barristers aren’t your thing, your penchant for brains might make you moon over a mathematician. And as for the mystery, well – who doesn’t fancy fucking Batman?
Hands. Mystery. Brains. Did I forget anything?
Oh yeah, one more, which was actually more popular than any of the categories my rubbish brain came up with on its own: passion.
@girlonthenet Musician. Someone who does it because it is who they are, it’s not just a job & they commit to every note. ->
— Sally R (@arthurstodgyn) March 18, 2013