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On how you smell

I’ve always wanted to be one of those nice-smelling women. You know the ones – there are some who breeze into a room on a cloud of subtle yet delicious-smelling perfume, waft delicately around and then exit swiftly, leaving a faint scent of flowers, talcum powder, and longing in their wake.

I have no idea what perfume it is they’re wearing – it’s certainly not one of the ones I’ve tried, as all mine do is make me smell decent for about half an hour or so then eventually give way to the much longer-lasting odours of cheap laundry detergent and even cheaper supermarket vodka.

Anyway. How I smell is beside the point. If I can make it through an evening without killing someone with garlic breath or sweating like a bigamist at a polygraph, I’m happy. What I love more is how guys smell.


There are a few aftershaves that smell like misery: it has little to do with the smell itself and more to do with quantity.  Like the smells worn by teenagers who haven’t yet learned that nice aftershave (like almost none of the other good things in life) is best used in moderation. For these people the Lynx effect doesn’t so much moisten knickers as invoke a flood of bitter, eye-stinging tears.

But some guys know how to use aftershave – really know – and those men smell sexy. A subtle spritz for certain people induces that wafting cloudlike effect that I mentioned before – a trail of something yummy-smelling, that makes me think only of how I’d sense them coming into the room and running their hands around my waist before leaning in to growl sultrily in my ear then ravish me on the kitchen floor.

It helps, of course, if one of the scents you have chosen is one which I already associate with hot sex. I once followed a man around a shopping centre for about five minutes because I couldn’t work out why I fancied him. Eventually it hit me that he was wearing the exact aftershave that my first two boyfriends wore. Despite his advancing years, everything about this man screamed ‘teenage sex’, and I almost had to go for a lie-down.

Post-shower boy-products

This category contains pretty much any product that’s specifically designed for men that smells anything other than neutral: shampoo, shower gel, moisturiser. For similar reasons to the aftershaves, almost any of these products can make me weak at the knees if you come and nuzzle me post-shower and let me have a whiff.

Frustratingly, this is almost certainly the product of clever manufacturers convincing us that men and women must (even when the scents are artificial) smell different. I’m supposed to smell like strawberries, you can smell like musk. It’s irritating because, you know, you should smell like bloody strawberries if you want to. But in the meantime there’s something about the smell of the products that aren’t meant for me that make me want to lick you.

The masculine/feminine scent distinction smells vaguely like bullshit to me, but the fact remains that it’s the difference that’s hot. Your maleness is highlighted by how different you are.

Hair products

This one’s a bit more open, because not all hair products are gender specific. And delightfully, I have no need of hair products at all (not because my hair is perfect, you understand, just because I’m far too lazy to maintain a haircare routine), so all of the smells are different enough to my own that they’ll produce a powerful sexy feeling.

The smell itself doesn’t matter, it just has to be unusual. Something suprising, and unique, and not mine. Which leads me neatly onto the last, and best smell of all:

Active sweat

Oh God yes. Let me bury my face in your armpit, in your neck, in all of the cracks and crevices where you’re hot and wet and smelling so different to me. Let me lick the droplets that run down the centre of your back and breathe you in as you press yourself into me.

The sweat you create when you’ve just got off your bike after a long ride. After you’ve run from the bus stop to my house, concealing an uncomfortable erection. The sweat we work up together during a nice, active fuck. If you announce, post-workout, that you’re off to jump in the shower, I’ll appreciate your desire for cleanliness but a tiny bit of my heart will break that I can’t make the most of the smell that says ‘you’ more than anything you could ever buy in Boots.

It’s better because it’s natural. Because it’s so unequivocally you. Because, no matter how hard you try, you probably can’t bottle it.


  • DB says:

    A surprisingly important factor for me is how your exhalations smell when we’re breathlessly kissing each other. I am not sure where this smell comes from because it is markedly different from what I experience if you huff on my face to check if your breath stinks, but it ranges from ‘meh’ up to causing an intense arousal feedback loop where I need to keep kissing more and harder to drink in the scent.

    I’ve been known to change my breathing during kisses so that I’m breathing in while the other party is breathing out, because their smell drives me fucking wild. (I say ‘known’, but I don’t know if anybody has noticed me doing it…)

    • Oh HELL yes says:

      I’ve occasionally found myself going all quivery and distracted just THINKING about the smell/taste of someone’s breath while kissing.

  • Kitty says:

    Funny, isn’t it.

    Nature’s spent a good number of millennia perfecting a pheromone undertone designed to attract a mate; then the Victorians gave in to the idea of having a bath occasional and we’ve been trying desperately to cover it up ever since.

    “Just wait till I’ve had a shower, I’m a bit sweaty.” Like fuck; come here, you’ll be a lot sweatier in a minute.

  • nothingspecial says:

    I only have one misgiving about this post. While hot, sweaty, stinky sex is great, you overlook the magnificence of SHOWER SEX. HHHNNNNNNNNGG!

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ah, see I’m not a massive fan of shower sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some lovely shower sex in my time, it’s just logistically more tricky than I’d ideally like. It has some of the same ‘lube-washing-away’ qualities of bath sex too, which I wrote about a while ago:

      Having said that, it does a) make piss-play easier and b) look fucking lovely when guys are standing in the shower soaping up rock-solid cocks.

      • freddy says:

        very much with you on the shower sex thing GOTN – apart from any other consideration, sex whilst standing up is damned tricky unless you’re very athletic, or the female is light enough to be fucked as she hangs round your neck and I’m not into waifs and gamin-lookers.
        However… shower foreplay can be awesome and have us rushing to the bed dripping wet to achieve the coitus we’ve built towards.
        Oh, and as a guy, shower wanks are more than welcome when the opportunity arises and provide a real hook on which to hang all those shower-wanks we have. (show me a man who says he’s never had a wank in the shower and I’ll show you a liar)

        • Girl on the net says:

          Hehe. Perhaps I am just water phobic – besides a fair few youthful shower-wanks (I shared a bedroom so wanking in bed was tricky), as an adult I don’t think I have ever done it. This is odd, as I remember developing quite a decent technique that prevented me from falling over at the point of climax. Your comment has inspired me to have another go, and see if I can achieve that long-lost showerwank technique.

          • freddy says:

            pics or it didn’t happen!! ;-)

            or at the very least a brief post/email to say how it went

            i’ve mailed you some minor inspiration

    • Girl on the net says:

      ALSO, teams of sportsmen having communal showers after the game soaping each other up. I imagine this happens frequently.

  • Chris says:

    I think the problem with aftershaves and perfumes is that people have lost the knack of selecting something that complements their natural scent. When someone gets it right, whether deliberately or by pure chance, we’re bowled over.

    • Girl on the net says:

      That’s an interesting theory – I wouldn’t have a clue how to pick something that complements my natural scent – do they have consultants for this sort of thing? Like, could I go into a shop and get a consultation? If not, this should be a thing that exists, because if you’re right I’d pay very good money to smell good enough to knock guys for six.

  • v says:

    My husband prefers me to go without deodorant as much as possible. Nothing gives him a bigger boner than to bury his nose into my armpits before I’ve showered.

  • Fuck yes.
    I can sense a smell I know a mile off and follow like a bloodhound. My favourite lover of all time used Kiehl’s Musk No 1 – amazing. I actually looked it up in his bathroom and promptly purchased a bottle for myself. I smelled like him and like sex. I’ve not been with him for years but the moment I spray myself with it I am done for back in the land of him circling around me without touching while I am standing in the middle of the room, cuffed and blindfolded, with him saying things like ‘Who’s my little whore now?’
    I forever extoll the virtues of cock smell too. That moment when I see your cock, just freed from the boxers, all hard and ready for me is amazing enough but the second until I take it in my mouth and burrow my face in your crotch and start inhaling the almighty beauty of your fresh cock* fragrance sloppily dribbling over it and infusing it it with the smell of my saliva creating that musky smell of ‘you will be fucked with it in a minute’ that sends my head spinning.
    Oh, off to lie down for a bit.

    *The right cock just smells right. Most beautiful cocks always smelled right. No matter how long from the last shower… although admittedly I never sucked cock after 3 days at a festie…

  • Dm7 says:

    !!! *BOY SMELL* !!!

    Is generally about as coherent as my mind gets when I catch a wiff of a beautiful gent wafting buy.

    In fact, I’d go so far as my level of fancy has gone from “Oh, a fellow humanoid.” purely on visuals to “My knickers seem to have fallen off of their own accord!” when the same male human has graced me with his scent.

    Boys just don’t know of the olfactory power they possess.

  • Kay says:

    My ex-boyfriend has a loovely smell.
    That is, until I realised he smells just like my dad. That’s a massive downer right there. Although apparently scientifically sensible:

  • pob says:

    Greasy woman hair does it for me, smells amazing. Feels amazing too, it’s such a shame people wash the life out of it.

  • Raoul Morris says:

    You got the whole way without quoting Napoleon once, well done!!

    “I’m coming home,…Please, don’t wash” …… Doh!

  • Red joop drives me barmy, ever since i was pregnant and followed a man on a train, who was wearing red joop. drives me insane

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