Are you sitting at your computer with one hand down your pants, listening to your smoke alarm go off and wondering if you can get another quick wank in before the house burns down around you? Yeah, you’re probably wanking too much. If you’re reading one of the many articles that have been published recently with a title along the lines of ‘could you be masturbating too much?’ and picking over your masturbation habits in detail to try and ascertain whether you might have a problem, then congratulations: you probably don’t.
“You can’t ‘win’ at fucking, that’s not how it works,” my partner explains to me sternly, as he flips through settings on the Mysteryvibe Crescendo app. “It’s about how well we play together.” I’m temporarily sheepish in the face of his gentle chastisement, until he adds under his breath: “Besides, I’ll win.”
“She’s fucked so many guys, when we shag it’s like waving a stick in the Albert Hall.”
“Maybe her cunt’s normal and the problem is that toothpick you’re waving.”
Or maybe both dick and cunt are perfectly fine, and the problem is between your ears rather than in your pants. Let’s talk about bodyshaming and genitals.
Note that this post involves some graphic medical detail about injections and vaginal examinations during an IUD fitting.
The other day a woman put a big needle inside my vagina, and injected me three times in the cervix. I know you don’t like hearing this, my darling, but I really need you to know it. The other day, when getting an IUD fitted, I had three injections in my cervix.
This heatwave has now got so bad that even I am starting to miss cuddles. I’m normally far too into the banging to care about the post-fuck snuggles but… it’s getting to me, you know? The lack of human contact caused by the fact that I can’t successfully touch another human without either sticking to them or bursting into flames. So here are a few alternatives to cuddling in a heatwave.