Category Archives: The human body
Scheduled maintenance: I’m taking a break
The first draft of this blog ran to 4,500 words and that’s definitely too much for anyone except my therapist. The second ran to 3,500 so I cut it further, please excuse my brevity: I am not well and I need to take a concerted break from work to try and get better. For the next month, I’ll be off sick, logging in for one hour a day at the absolute maximum. Your patience is hugely appreciated, and I will hopefully be back refreshed and healthier on Monday April 3rd. Details below.
Hi I’m the monster that lives under your bed
Note: references to grief, death and eating. Also, this is honestly not my best. Better Halloween erotica is available on the blog tag.
I feed off your dreams. You knew that, right? But did you know that each dream tastes different? The happy ones are bland and shining. Joy tastes like ashes in my mouth – the bad dreams are where it’s at. The giant spiders chasing you through Covent Garden. Infinite, unwakeable scenes of drowning. Delicious.
The joy of getting my period
My period is extremely unpredictable. I am not angry with it for being so – it more than makes up for its unpredictability by being relatively swift. Although I almost never know when I’m about to start bleeding, I do at least know that once it’s started I’ll be blood-free in about four days. What’s more, I usually only have one day of absolute agony (the day after I come on, if you must know), and although it’s absolute hell trying to sit at a desk and knock out erotica while my lower back is screaming for mercy, as soon as the pain is over I’m usually rewarded with a period horn so powerful I could milk a whole rugby team in under thirty minutes.
Having children: did I change my mind?
This week, an egregiously terrible advert by Crown Paint has attracted criticism for peddling the narrative that women who don’t want to have children will probably change their minds one day. As a woman who has been very open about the fact that I don’t want kids, and is now rapidly approaching a point where that choice stops being a choice and becomes an inevitability, I thought I’d weigh in.
If you’re keen on having children and are currently struggling with your own fertility journey, you might find this post upsetting.
Why can’t I put an ice lolly in my vagina?
Google Trends tells me that people only really began searching ‘lolly vagina’ in earnest in July 2022. Yet as long ago as 2019, we were being warned in The Metro not to put lollies in our vaginas to try and cool down. The Mirror, too, chipped in by reiterating the warnings. As did Grazia. In 2020, when most of us were busy trying not to catch the plague, the Daily Star reminded us to also remain vigilant against frostbite on our fannies. Now, as a deadly heatwave grips the UK, the links and warnings start circulating again, with new outlets chiming in to help curb what appears to be a trend of people shagging ice pops to try and stay cool in the heat. I imagine these will only increase exponentially as climate change continues to radically alter the make-up of the planet while the people in power make token gestures that aren’t even close to enough. But how useful are these warnings? Are people actually putting ice lollies in their vaginas? What are the risks? And most importantly… why can’t I fuck an ice lolly if I want to?