The other day, when I was giving my partner a lazy hand-job in the bath, I realised that although I have watched him wank countless times, I have never fully understood one thing about his masturbation technique: how hard he squeezes. In the process of getting him to show me I learned why they call it the ‘death grip.’
Me: It was so fucking hot yesterday when I edged and teased you for ages. Do you have a massive load of spunk to dump inside me today?
Him: *sheepishly* I had a wank.
Me: Oh OK! No worries.
Me: Yes of course hahahaha of course totally fine no worries at all!
My brain: You’re a really terrible liar, GOTN.
My partner told me recently that ‘confidence is sexy’, and I nearly fell off my chair. Confidence, is sexy, you say? Wow, I wish someone had told me twenty years ago, because if I’d known I’d definitely have magicked up some confidence rather than deliberately chosen to be awkward and ashamed of the way I am…
I shave my legs every couple of weeks. My armpits more frequently – maybe once or twice each week. I pluck my eyebrows when I spot a stray hair, and get them threaded when I can brave the salon. Then occasionally I cover my neck, chest and stomach in hair removal cream, lie on the bathroom floor like a melting snowman, and wait for the hair to burn off. I have PCOS, and Sisyphus has nothing on me.
In case you hadn’t seen it from literally every sex toy company you follow on social media (what do you mean you don’t follow sex toy companies on social media? Go follow some of my sponsor companies, immediately!) May is Masturbation Month. For wankers like me, that means it’s the same as any other month, only we have to write content to hit the specific keyword ‘Masturbation Month’ or we’ll get beaten in Google searches by terrible magazine articles that offer wanking tips you already knew. ANYWAY. In my quest for Masturbation Month material, I thought I’d write you a list of some of my favourite kinds of wank.