I don’t want to write this post. The very idea of dragging the words from my head makes me want to cringe into a tiny ball. But I’m going to talk about butt plug accidents anyway. My reasons will become clear towards the end of the post but before I begin, a warning and a request. Warning: this post contains scenes that are a bit uncomfortable, especially if you’re not into anal stuff and are easily panicked. Request: if you know me in real life, I would genuinely rather you didn’t read this. It’s mostly because I feel I can be funnier and more honest about this incident if I don’t have to anticipate jokey conversations about it in the pub, during which I have to relive all the feelings that this incident triggered in my fluttery, panic-laden heart. So. If you know me, don’t read this. If you choose to read it anyway, pretend you haven’t. Deal? OK let’s go.
On Sundays, we do anal. It’s not a hard-and-fast rule, although naturally we’re hoping that with enough ‘getting fucked in the ass’ practice for me, ‘hard and fast’ will eventually be the general tone of each occasion. But before we get to that point, we need patience, time, and preparation. A lot of preparation.
Yeah, this post is literally just going to be 500 words of appreciation for your dick between my butt cheeks. Someone found my blog recently via this search term and I was horrified – HORRIFIED – that I have not yet described, in detail, the glory of this sensation.
Good news, gang: thanks to HPV vaccines, there now exists a generation which will not have to worry as much about certain kinds of cancer.
I want you to find a hard, cylindrical object. A bottle of deodorant or a broom handle will do – as long as it won’t break in your hand. Now grip it as tight as you can. Squeeze. Really squeeze, like you’re trying to crush it in your grasp. Do your muscles hurt? Good – hold for a few more seconds. Now let go. Feel the tingle in the crook between your fingers and your thumb. Note the absence of that object, feel how your empty hand almost hurts now it’s not there. That is how my cunt aches ten seconds before you fuck me.