Note that this post involves some graphic medical detail about injections and vaginal examinations during an IUD fitting.
The other day a woman put a big needle inside my vagina, and injected me three times in the cervix. I know you don’t like hearing this, my darling, but I really need you to know it. The other day, when getting an IUD fitted, I had three injections in my cervix.
This heatwave has now got so bad that even I am starting to miss cuddles. I’m normally far too into the banging to care about the post-fuck snuggles but… it’s getting to me, you know? The lack of human contact caused by the fact that I can’t successfully touch another human without either sticking to them or bursting into flames. So here are a few alternatives to cuddling in a heatwave.
I recently read a piece by Suzannah Weiss in Bustle in which she attempts to wank for over an hour. As a speedy and functional wanker, I thought this would be an interesting challenge to attempt. And seeing as I’d just been given a Mysteryvibe Crescendo – an almost infinitely customisable vibrator that comes with lots of different vibration patterns out of the box – I figured I had an excellent tool with which to have a go. So here goes: wanking for an hour, non-stop. Feel free to fire up your favourite porn and wank along with me.
The other day, when I was giving my partner a lazy hand-job in the bath, I realised that although I have watched him wank countless times, I have never fully understood one thing about his masturbation technique: how hard he squeezes. In the process of getting him to show me I learned why they call it the ‘death grip.’
Me: It was so fucking hot yesterday when I edged and teased you for ages. Do you have a massive load of spunk to dump inside me today?
Him: *sheepishly* I had a wank.
Me: Oh OK! No worries.
Me: Yes of course hahahaha of course totally fine no worries at all!
My brain: You’re a really terrible liar, GOTN.