Category Archives: The human body

Can you wank for an hour without stopping?

I recently read a piece by Suzannah Weiss in Bustle in which she attempts to wank for over an hour. As a speedy and functional wanker, I thought this would be an interesting challenge to attempt. And seeing as I’d just been given a Mysteryvibe Crescendo – an almost infinitely customisable vibrator that comes with lots of different vibration patterns out of the box – I figured I had an excellent tool with which to have a go. So here goes: wanking for an hour, non-stop. Feel free to fire up your favourite porn and wank along with me.

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I will never manage to give a ‘death grip’ hand job

The other day, when I was giving my partner a lazy hand-job in the bath, I realised that although I have watched him wank countless times, I have never fully understood one thing about his masturbation technique: how hard he squeezes. In the process of getting him to show me I learned why they call it the ‘death grip.’

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Save all your spunk for me

Me: It was so fucking hot yesterday when I edged and teased you for ages. Do you have a massive load of spunk to dump inside me today?

Him: *sheepishly* I had a wank.

Me: Oh OK! No worries.

Him: Sure?

Me: Yes of course hahahaha of course totally fine no worries at all!

My brain: You’re a really terrible liar, GOTN.

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Confidence is sexy but…

My partner told me recently that ‘confidence is sexy’, and I nearly fell off my chair. Confidence, is sexy, you say? Wow, I wish someone had told me twenty years ago, because if I’d known I’d definitely have magicked up some confidence rather than deliberately chosen to be awkward and ashamed of the way I am…

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PCOS and hair removal: why can’t I stop doing this?

I shave my legs every couple of weeks. My armpits more frequently – maybe once or twice each week. I pluck my eyebrows when I spot a stray hair, and get them threaded when I can brave the salon. Then occasionally I cover my neck, chest and stomach in hair removal cream, lie on the bathroom floor like a melting snowman, and wait for the hair to burn off. I have PCOS, and Sisyphus has nothing on me.

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