Tag Archives: dating

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On the worst dating site fails

I don’t believe you’re real

You obviously believe I’m real enough to initiate a conversation with, so what is the point of this question? This is one of the most irritating dating site fails.
I’ve written the profile, I can write replies, but short of running round to your house and headbutting you in the crotch, there’s not much else I can do to prove it.

Wanna chat?

Why yes, yes I do. But in real life, please, not on some idiotic chat programme where we have stilted conversations about what we’re both doing, culminating in me being massively turned off by your excessive use of the term ‘lol.’

I always say in my profile that I hate IM. If you then insist on IMing me I’ll assume not only that you’re typing one-handed, but also that all that ‘one-handed typing’ has made you so blind you can’t read.

I expect you won’t reply…

Why, do I look like an arsehole?

In all seriousness I get a fair few messages, mainly because I mention sex on my profile and men these days have reasonably low standards. But I don’t get so many that it’d be impossible to reply to all of them – I reply to about one in five – the ones that don’t break these rules.

Wow your so hot

If you can’t spot what’s wrong with this then I wouldn’t reply to you either.

Do you have a pic of your body?

Or, to say what you actually mean: “are you fat?”

That’s what you’re asking, so why not come out and say it? Well, because it’s fucking rude, obviously.

I’m not going to tell you whether or not I’m fat, just as I’m not going to suck my stomach in and stand in front of a mirror just so I can send a picture of my body to someone so shallow I’d definitely not fuck him in the first place.

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On asking for sex: if you don’t ask, you don’t get

“I didn’t get to shag her.”
“Why did she turn you down?”
“What?”
“Umm, dude, you did at least ask her, didn’t you?”

How the living fuck do you expect to ever get laid if you don’t ask people for a shag? This is a growing problem. I’ve met men – beautiful, confident men – who’ll umm, and err, and wait until both my hands are inside their trousers before they’ll finally admit that yes, they’re probably going to get laid.

I even once had a guy – a supposedly dominant guy, for the love of Christ – who beat me with a wire coathanger until I cried, stripped me naked then fingered me so vigorously I nearly pissed in his hands, and still – still – had to ask my permission before he gave me the fuck I’d been begging for since we first met.

Part of this is the fault of aggressive, rude, “I’m out of your league” women, who leave some men’s confidence so battered after an approach that it’s surprising they can walk upright. I’ll come to this in another post – people who do this deserve far more of my wrath than I’m willing to give right now.

What’s getting me right now is the weird attitude of the guys who avoid asking for sex. They see sex as a gift that women might deign to give them if they’re just impressive enough, just kind enough, just sexy enough. They feel like they have to earn it. They don’t seem to realise that women often want sex too – just for its own sake.

A woman no more ‘lets you’ have sex with her than you ‘let people’ give you birthday presents.