One plus one does not always equal two. Sure, if we’re talking standard stuff like apples and oranges, one plus one definitely equals two and I’d be a weird conspiracy theorist if I tried to persuade you otherwise. You have one apple in a bag, you add another, you have two apples. True. But if the things you’re counting are dicks, and the place you’re putting them is my vagina: one dick plus another equals a hell of a lot more than two. Let’s talk DVP with a fuckmachine.

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When he asked me what I wanted, as my reward for winning the game, I think he expected me to demand pleasure. Orgasms, delivered by hand and vibrator, or his wet lips wrapped round my nipples. Maybe a good, hard fuck bent over the sofa. Instead I asked him for pain. “Whip me,” I told him.

Note, this post makes references to That Fucking Virus and These Weird Times.

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My partner has a beautiful dick. Really, truly, astonishingly gorgeous. For quite a long time I’ve nurtured a fantasy about cloning his cock with one of the dick-moulding kits, so I can get DP’d by two identical cocks. Seeing as we’re now rich in time and short on projects, we decided to get stuck in. The results of our cloning efforts are impressively accurate, and have laid the groundwork for some filthier blog posts to come a little further down the line. In the meantime, though, if you want to play along at home, here’s how you can clone your dick too.

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If there’s one thing more fun that relationship drama on reddit, it’s having a Hot Take on relationship drama on reddit. I am obsessed with not just /r/relationship_advice but also /r/amitheasshole, not just because it’s fun to laugh at assholes but also because they sometimes throw up interesting ethical dilemmas to chew over. Today: is it weird to keep your ex’s nudes/knickers when you break up? Reddit says ‘yes’, I say ‘no’, but on one important condition…

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There’s always a worry, when you tick something off your sexual bucket list, that this awesome kink you have lusted after for ages won’t quite live up to your expectations. As the time to fuck approaches, your eager desire for filth is tempered by a voice in the back of your head that says ‘will this be as good as I hope?’ ‘Can a spitroast with a fucking machine really be as filthy as the scene I’m playing in my head?’ ‘Can DVP with a sex machine really live up to my horny dreams? The answer to both questions is ‘fuck yes’. The longer answer is below in the form of a hyper-explicit story about the first time we used our new sex machine, and there’ll be a part two story coming hot on its heels…

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