It’s that time of year again, in which I get to let my inner creepy goth out and write some Halloween erotica. Last year I did sex with zombies, the previous year it was a succubus (sort of), and this year – thanks to suggestions and ideas from some lovely people on Twitter – I’m tackling a creature from the deep. If you’d prefer to listen rather than read, it’s also available as audio – click ‘listen now’ above, or head to the audio porn page if you’d like to hear more sexy stories read aloud. I’m always a bit nervous and uncertain about writing fiction, but these Halloween erotica pieces are always a genuine pleasure to write, so I hope I can manage to give you a creepy shiver or two.

Content note: this story is written for Halloween, and is designed to be a tale of creepiness with a bit of sex thrown in. As a result it contains some themes that you might find disturbing: references to drowning, self-harm and suicidal ideation.

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Sure, The Good Place is an excellent TV show. And yes, I have spent the last few months eagerly awaiting each week’s episode of Better Call Saul. But honestly, if Netflix were down, I could happily replace my weekly TV fixes with a different pastime instead: watching your dick grow hard through boxers.

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Over the course of the last week three – THREE – men have asked me how they go about getting invited to a gang bang. Two of them have been quite specific about exactly the kind of gang bang they want. I get asked questions like this quite frequently, so I’m going to answer this one now: here’s how to get invited to a gang bang.

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What’s that old joke? That if you sit on one of your hands until it goes numb, when you wank it feels like someone else is doing it. I’ve never tried that, but recently I discovered some pretty excellent sensations while synchronising sex to porn, which I’m going to call the Rubber Hand Illusion Of Fucking.

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Note that this post involves some graphic medical detail about injections and vaginal examinations during an IUD fitting.

The other day a woman put a big needle inside my vagina, and injected me three times in the cervix. I know you don’t like hearing this, my darling, but I really need you to know it. The other day, when getting an IUD fitted, I had three injections in my cervix.

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