He’s on the phone in the living room and I can hear one half of the conversation. I understand about twenty percent of it. The other eighty percent is a delicious mixture of authority, skill, and words I don’t really understand that are directly related to his job. A job which I know he is pretty fucking good at. I boil the kettle. I grind coffee beans. I prepare him a coffee so delicious that when he gets off the phone he’ll acquiesce to my request: please please please can I suck your dick now? He’s in ‘work mode’ and it’s intensely sexy – I want to start from flaccid, and have the joy of sucking him hard.

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Is there anything in life more tedious than a conference call for a job you hate? You’re half involved in something you barely care about, and most of the people involved wouldn’t notice if you simply logged out. But – like fantasising about teachers during lectures – you can spice up even the dullest conference call with the addition of a dirty story…

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Sorry if you were hoping to start 2017 off on a positive note, but I have the worst blow job tips ever to share with you. They are called – brace yourself – “7 Ways To Make Giving A Blow Job Go Faster.” CAN YOU IMAGINE. I can think of two acceptable ways to ‘make giving a blow job go faster’ if you want it to stop soon: either you say ‘let’s switch to something else’ or you say ‘let’s have a break and a sandwich.’

Spoiler: neither of these are on the list of tips.

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