This blog post is going to contain some sexual references that are bizarre, offensive and downright troubling, including incest and bestiality.
Point one: people who tell you in detail about their dreams are generally pretty boring.
Point two: because of this, people who tell you about their dreams are usually intensely apologetic about it. The conversation normally begins “I know it’s annoying to talk about dreams but…”
That ‘but’ is pretty important, because it usually means ‘but I want to get something off my chest/need you to make me feel better/am worried that I am horribly abnormal because of this odd thing that kicked off in my brain.’
So. While I have very low tolerance for people who tell me that last night they flew to a castle made of marshmallows and Eamonn Holmes gave them a spoon with which to eat it, when people want to tell me their weird sex dreams, I am usually all ears. Why? Because I have weird sex dreams too.
I had a weird sex dream and I am freaking out
OK, here’s the deal: I am not a psychologist, and nor am I one of those people who can persuade strangers to pay them actual cash money so they can make up bullshit like ‘oh Wendy you dreamed of a tree and that means you’ll develop varicose veins.’ But what I can tell you is that I’ve had a fuck of a lot of weird sex dreams.
What do yours mean? I don’t know. If you repeatedly dream about having sex with an alligator, maybe that means you have a latent alligator fetish. Maybe it means you own an alligator farm and it’s coming up to mating season. Perhaps it’s a way to work through that one time your teacher asked you to spell ‘alligator’ in front of the whole class and you freaked out and spelt ‘analingus’ instead. I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I’ve seen a few people recently FREAKING THE FUCK OUT over their weird sex dreams, and that makes me sad. If I am here to provide any kind of service (and I like to think I am, if only because saying that makes me feel a bit more useful than hiding in the bedroom for yet another wank), then that service involves telling you about all the weird shit my brain does so you don’t have to feel so alone.
Weird things/people I have fucked in my dreams
- My history teacher
- My A-level philosophy teacher
- A large spider
- A lamp stand (like those IKEA ones which cost about a tenner and are quite shit. I just humped against it, as one does in one’s dreams)
- Obergruppenführer Smith, from Man in the High Castle
- A very close relative, who will remain nameless because if I am ever outed they will reap the same waves of shame that I did for about six weeks after I vigorously fucked them in my dream
- A merman
- My ex-boyfriend’s father
- Another ex-boyfriend’s father
- Pretty much all of my ex-boyfriends, at some point or another
- The desk in a GCSE exam (again, just humping like the lamp stand – I have very particular tastes when it comes to furniture-fucking)
- Bouncer, the dog off Neighbours
Note, please, that this is merely a list compiled in 5 minutes, off the top of my head, involving things and/or people that I had sex with. It does not include the odd sex dreams where I find myself spontaneously wanking in a coffee shop, or accidentally having an orgasm while I ask for tube directions from a stranger. In other dreams I watch people having sex, or hear about new and interesting sex scandals involving famous people or my friends, or dreams where I indulge in things like BDSM or casual nakedness in public.
I read this list out loud to two friends on Friday night to try and gauge just how abnormal I was, and they both nodded then confessed to having had similar sex-thing-with-close-relative dreams. And similar levels of freak out.
Listen: weird sex dreams are pretty normal – I’m sure most of us have them. Of the list above of people/things I’ve fucked in my sleep, some were quite enjoyable (well HELLO THERE lamp), some were utterly terrifying (SPIDERSPIDERSPIDER) and others were simply part of a weird storyline involving my having to escape from a New York bunker (the Nazi guy). Some of them creeped me out more than others because they aroused me, and the next morning when I woke to the horror of what my sleep-self had got wet to, I prayed to a God I don’t believe in to wipe them forever from my memory.
They can be pretty horrible, sex dreams. They’re also sometimes super fun. They are, I suspect, rarely indicative of a particular kink. If you’re worried about your weird sex dreams then by all means talk to a professional (by which I mean doctor or mental health practitioner, not Sandra the Shady Psychic who your Mum reckons is ‘spot on’).
But if you’re worried that you’re not normal, or that no one else is tormented by night-terrors that sometimes involve a four-foot dick, an unnecessarily detailed ‘breeding programme’ and a spider that can talk while he fucks you, then I promise you’re not alone.
40 Comments
Laughing out loud whilst simultaneously shuddering at the thought of the spider. I don’t remember my dreams much, but the one vivid sex dream I can remember, even now nearly 25 yrs later, involvede having very energetic sex with a colleague who had a reputation as a bit of a player. A touch disturbing when I had a meeting with him the next morning, but nowhere near as disturbing as the end of the dream, where my fiancé along with my mother arrived riding a white horse to “rescue” me from the situation…
Ooh – colleague sex dreams! I am pretty sure I’ve had a few of those, although almost NEVER about colleagues I actually liked. What I enjoyed most about your dream is the matter-of-face ‘oh yeah so then I got rescued by my mum on a horse.’ Dream logic is fun =)
As a boy, when the weird sex dream is accompanied by the one-two hit of ejaculation & immediately waking up, then all those feelings of “what the fuck was my brain getting up to there” just get ratcheted up even more!
One of the best ideas in Freud is the notion that many dream images or dream events are “overdetermined” – ie have multiple causes, all condensed down into the one image. The surrealists somehow intuitively got this, which is one of the things that makes their work so uncanny.
All that said, the idea that anything to do with Ikea could be sexy is beyond even surrealism!! ;-)
You say “as a boy”, but I’m 29 and I recently had a wet dream that was itself deeply weird and kind of… traumatic? I was being unpleasantly taken advantage of and it was creepy, and yet I woke up to find I needed to clean up… No fun at all.
I simply meant, as a boy rather than a girl – the ejaculation serves to make the weirdness of the dream all the more disturbing, at the moment of waking up. The more one knows oneself – or thinks one knows oneself – the more one finds oneself being taken aback by what goes on in such dreams! For me, without fail, it’s dreams in which I’m involved in some sort of incestuous act…
Yeah, I can definitely see ejaculation adding an extra wtf layer when you wake up from a sex dream. I think I’ve rarely orgasmed in dreams, but I do sometimes wake up mid-dream to find I’m touching myself, and if the dream itself has been fucking weird as shit, I usually struggle to get back to sleep – a combination of guilt and ‘what the hell am I thinking?’
You’re wrong about Ikea though – the actual shop is a nightmare, the furniture is shit, but my GOD wouldn’t it be fun to have exhibitionist sex in the bed section? Only with the consent of other shoppers, of course, but it could be run as a fun late-night kink event. Ikea shopping for Sex People.
“a fun late-night kink event. Ikea shopping for Sex People”
Like I said – beyond surrealism!! :-D
And after the sex we’ll have meatballs. =)
You crossed a line there, Gotn.
(this is *precisely* why I’m veggie)
[mentions abuse] Oof, I am so relieved to read this. I’m a survivor of sexual abuse from a close relative, yet at one point had very vivid, hot dreams of sex with another relative of the same ‘type’ of relationship to me. I was turned on in my dream, I was wet when I woke up, and I haven’t been able to tell anyone about it because I was so ashamed.
Oh God I’m so sorry H – that sounds like a really scary thing. One of the horrible things about dreams is having no control at all over what happens. But the lack of control also neatly shows why we shouldn’t be ashamed: we can’t help the weird things our brain chooses to throw at us while we’re asleep.
I’m not sure we can control our weird fanatasies and imaginations when we are awake and concious either. These also disturb me sometimes. Fortunately we can control acting on them. Most of us at least.
Yeah, I agree, although I think it occurs to different degrees when you’re awake. Some fantasies I’ll construct, others just pop into my head. With dreaming I think it’s far more obvious that they can’t be controlled, so it’s a good example overall of the way it’s not always possible to shape your own desires.
Rather mundane but a dream that has stuck with me since my teenaged years is that of having incredibly comforting sex with an unknown girl who was wearing the softest hoody. Aw… My sweet hoody girl. Where are you now?
OK, this is the most adorable thing ever. Dammit, why can’t *I* have adorable sex dreams?!
Though I have also been turned down in dreams. Cheers Subconscious for cutting me off…
A recurring adolescent dream was underwater wrestling naked with an octopus. The water was nice and warm so it wasn’t cold and slimy, just lots of slippery constriction, tight hugs and always a tentacle clutching my groin.
And it’s only just occurred to me that as far as cuddles go, octopus sex has to be the best kind of animal sex… =)
I’m a teacher and once dreamed about a student, cue anguish over whether I am fit to be around children. The mind is a funny thing.
Definitely orgasmed through dream sex with inanimate objects too
Phew – v glad I’m not the only one who sometimes humps inanimate objects in dreams. I feel for you re: the student, too, that must have been horrible.
I used to hate this girl from my college but yeah I had a thing for her butt. I didn’t talk to her because she was arrogant and rude. Days later I have this dream where she’s giving me oral and my ex was also there. Weird as hell but I know I was having the best time in my dream. ^_^
I once had a very wet dream where I actually ejaculated such was the reality of the images i could see in my mind about my g.p. Having a huge orgasm as she rides my long thick erection on the treatment bed with curtains shut.a very ordinary dream with very real consequences because now I seem to get very aroused during my appointment s with her resulting in a very obvious bulge in my crotch which she pretends not to notice.im due a prostate exam which I am dreading as I fear i will become very aroused and don’t want to offend her.i don’t want to change my doctor as im horrified at the thought of having a male doctor insert his fingers up my anus.
That actually might be an issue where the help of a professional might be advisable… although I’m sure doctors must be used to patients getting hardons while they’re examining them, it’s probably not unusual. I expect most GPs have seen far more embarrassing things than we can possibly imagine.
I agree with SCS – if it helps you feel any better, I know a couple of doctors and they both say that they’ve seen pretty much everything, so I do hope you can get to your exam without worrying. Also, I realise there may well be good reasons why you’d rather not have a male doctor – it’s possible to make specific requests at your GP surgery if you need to, although it might mean you need to wait longer for an exam: http://www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/2415.aspx?CategoryID=68&SubCategoryID=158 Best of luck
Oh, and just to be clear: having a male doctor examine your prostate isn’t going to turn you gay or anything.
I rarely remember my dreams, but I’m sure I have had sex dreams about girls I’ve known. I don’t remember anything really weird though – I think sex in my dreams has always been pretty conventional. My conscious mind seems to be way more imaginative and kinky than my unconscious one. (Or perhaps more likely – my unconscious mind is kinky as hell too, but my brain is kind enough to wipe the memories when I wake up.)
I’ve had various sex dreams in my life – my dreams tend toward the bizarre at the best of times, and adding sex can make them even more memorable (and odd). The very first sex dream that I ever remember having, though? (I can visualise this as I type it.) I was in a giant open apartment high up in a building, which had highly-polished wooden floors and no furniture. There were floor-to-ceiling windows looking out across the city. And we fucked, this random dream guy and me, for HOURS with the city lights flickering in the night as our only illumination.
I’m sure if it had been in real life I’d have major issues with slipping on the floor. Not to mention the lack of padding! The view was good though.
xx Dee
Oh that sounds amazing! I am aching with jealousy and I have a feeling it’s 90% jealousy of hours of hot sex, and 10% the jealousy of a Londoner when hearing about a massive apartment =) x
Weirdly I never seem to have sex dreams about ex-boyfriends/partners – it’s as if my brain puts a mental block on it. Probably a good thing in terms of emotional avoidance but it does mean I end up dreaming similar things about furniture or *shudder* relatives instead…
As a general rule, if I’ve met a person more than twice, I’m pretty much guaranteed to have a sex dream about them. Celebrities, cartoon characters and inanimate objects also feature fairly regularly.
I’d say about 15% are pretty hot (fucking the Serenity crew in Kaylee’s engine room, for instance) and about 15% deeply disturbing (anything involving family members, children, or the time my best friend dream-raped me). The remaining 70% are either mundane or straight up hilarious (I challenge anyone to dream about Bruce Forsyth wielding a medically inadvisable cock and not wake up laughing). Once you accept that the dreams don’t actually reflect your true feelings or intentions, and that sometimes your brain is just going to try to fuck with you, it gets easier to deal with the freaky stuff.
God. That all brings one to mind. Will have to write about it sometime. Thanks.
I have, on rare occasions, woken up because I’d had an orgasm. My partner in the dream was usually a banister, and always an inanimate object.
I read that as “barrister” first time around – then I thought it was a bit harsh to characterise barristers as inanimate objects :-)
I’m now off to work with a smile on my face, which will get even wider when I pass the court offices on my way!
Ha! I wouldn’t dream of characterising barristers in that way. Never had a dream about one either ;-)
I thought I was bad at the whole ‘sex dream’ thing.
When I was 17 (98’ish), I kept having this dream about David Bowie, when he was in Labrynth (sp). He would follow me around, pop up in any situation and eventually convinced me to go on a date with him. It always ended in rampant, hot, sweaty and very vivid sex, on those changing stair cases in the film. I would wake up in a pool of sweat, I kid you not! This dream would repeat over the course of about 2 weeks, it was good!
Then when I was about 21, the ‘Cage fetish’ came about……no, not an actual cage but Nicholas Cage. I had just watched Face Off with my then BF. We were getting a little wound up during the film, as you do. After a few hours of hanky panky, I get out of bed in nothing but my fella’s T-shirt, he slaps my bum and says (with Troy Caster in face off say’s) ” I hate to see you go, but I LOVE to watch you leave.”
That night was the first of many Face Off dreams……..it started with me being married to the good guy (sean) and him coming home all rampant and fucking me 10 ways til Sunday over the kitchen counter…….then every time I would indulge in sexy time with my fella, I could only think of Nicholas Cage.
God, I miss those days lol
I have a similar range of experiences as a lot of people here, it seems. Colleagues, friends, celebrities and the occasional confusingly attractive letterbox have all featured in my sex dreams. So have family members, which messed me up for a bit, but not nearly so much as non-consent stuff where I am the aggressor.
That aside, I wanted to share potentially the weirdest sex dream I ever had: I was this huge, fat worm-like creature, about 20m long, at least 3m in diameter, and constantly exuding this thick, slick ooze from my whole body. As I squirmed my way along a road in my hometown I could feel every bump, undulation and crack in the paving, and frankly it was almost a debilitating ecstasy. I rubbed up against wooden fences, parked cars, trees – you name it! An American-style schoolbus full of nuns approached, so I encircled it as much as I could and rubbed round and over, getting a tremendous sexual thrill from both the delicious physical sensation, and the moral outrage of the nuns.
Needless to say, I woke in a sticky mess that required I wash the sheets…
[Embarrassing to check your comment for spelling, only to then submit said comment and immediately notice an error in your name…!]
Wow, holy shit – that is definitely the most unusual sex dream I’ve ever heard of. I’m so intrigued as to how the sensations worked differently because of having a totally different shape. Amazing.
Suffice to say it was incredible. It was like my whole worm body was wired for sexual sensation, and I was frotting the world. (I guess the nuns were just gravy! Sometimes I fantasise about that dream, and I give the ooze an extreme aphrodisiac effect on said nuns…)
My dreams usually center around places more than people and the people in them may, or may not, be people I know or have known. The weirdest has to be coffin sex and I was underneath for this particular one so not sure what that means. (Was also the only time I’ve had a wet dream, bizarrely)