This blog post is going to contain some sexual references that are bizarre, offensive and downright troubling, including incest and bestiality.
Point one: people who tell you in detail about their dreams are generally pretty boring.
Point two: because of this, people who tell you about their dreams are usually intensely apologetic about it. The conversation normally begins “I know it’s annoying to talk about dreams but…”
That ‘but’ is pretty important, because it usually means ‘but I want to get something off my chest/need you to make me feel better/am worried that I am horribly abnormal because of this odd thing that kicked off in my brain.’
So. While I have very low tolerance for people who tell me that last night they flew to a castle made of marshmallows and Eamonn Holmes gave them a spoon with which to eat it, when people want to tell me their weird sex dreams, I am usually all ears. Why? Because I have weird sex dreams too.
I had a weird sex dream and I am freaking out
OK, here’s the deal: I am not a psychologist, and nor am I one of those people who can persuade strangers to pay them actual cash money so they can make up bullshit like ‘oh Wendy you dreamed of a tree and that means you’ll develop varicose veins.’ But what I can tell you is that I’ve had a fuck of a lot of weird sex dreams.
What do yours mean? I don’t know. If you repeatedly dream about having sex with an alligator, maybe that means you have a latent alligator fetish. Maybe it means you own an alligator farm and it’s coming up to mating season. Perhaps it’s a way to work through that one time your teacher asked you to spell ‘alligator’ in front of the whole class and you freaked out and spelt ‘analingus’ instead. I don’t know.
But what I do know is that I’ve seen a few people recently FREAKING THE FUCK OUT over their weird sex dreams, and that makes me sad. If I am here to provide any kind of service (and I like to think I am, if only because saying that makes me feel a bit more useful than hiding in the bedroom for yet another wank), then that service involves telling you about all the weird shit my brain does so you don’t have to feel so alone.
Weird things/people I have fucked in my dreams
- My history teacher
- My A-level philosophy teacher
- A large spider
- A lamp stand (like those IKEA ones which cost about a tenner and are quite shit. I just humped against it, as one does in one’s dreams)
- Obergruppenführer Smith, from Man in the High Castle
- A very close relative, who will remain nameless because if I am ever outed they will reap the same waves of shame that I did for about six weeks after I vigorously fucked them in my dream
- A merman
- My ex-boyfriend’s father
- Another ex-boyfriend’s father
- Pretty much all of my ex-boyfriends, at some point or another
- The desk in a GCSE exam (again, just humping like the lamp stand – I have very particular tastes when it comes to furniture-fucking)
- Bouncer, the dog off Neighbours
Note, please, that this is merely a list compiled in 5 minutes, off the top of my head, involving things and/or people that I had sex with. It does not include the odd sex dreams where I find myself spontaneously wanking in a coffee shop, or accidentally having an orgasm while I ask for tube directions from a stranger. In other dreams I watch people having sex, or hear about new and interesting sex scandals involving famous people or my friends, or dreams where I indulge in things like BDSM or casual nakedness in public.
I read this list out loud to two friends on Friday night to try and gauge just how abnormal I was, and they both nodded then confessed to having had similar sex-thing-with-close-relative dreams. And similar levels of freak out.
Listen: weird sex dreams are pretty normal – I’m sure most of us have them. Of the list above of people/things I’ve fucked in my sleep, some were quite enjoyable (well HELLO THERE lamp), some were utterly terrifying (SPIDERSPIDERSPIDER) and others were simply part of a weird storyline involving my having to escape from a New York bunker (the Nazi guy). Some of them creeped me out more than others because they aroused me, and the next morning when I woke to the horror of what my sleep-self had got wet to, I prayed to a God I don’t believe in to wipe them forever from my memory.
They can be pretty horrible, sex dreams. They’re also sometimes super fun. They are, I suspect, rarely indicative of a particular kink. If you’re worried about your weird sex dreams then by all means talk to a professional (by which I mean doctor or mental health practitioner, not Sandra the Shady Psychic who your Mum reckons is ‘spot on’).
But if you’re worried that you’re not normal, or that no one else is tormented by night-terrors that sometimes involve a four-foot dick, an unnecessarily detailed ‘breeding programme’ and a spider that can talk while he fucks you, then I promise you’re not alone.