This year, for the first time in a long time, I am not going to visit family. I’ll miss them, because my family are amazing. But there are up-sides: I won’t spend hundreds of pounds on train fares lugging a backpack full of presents all around the country. I won’t have to have the super-quiet sex on put-up beds in people’s lounges. I won’t have to smile politely at racist elderly aunts, and I can say ‘fuck’ if I want without scaring the children.
So here’s a Christmas poem for grown-ups.
A Christmas poem for grown-ups
Twas the night before Christmas, and cosy in bed
I lie waiting – all tingly from tiptoes to head.
‘Neath the blankets and bedclothes, tucked far out of sight
Making one Christmas wish: to get fucked in the night.
Though it’s nice to see family, I can’t shag at Mum’s:
With my siblings next door it’s a challenge to come.
I don’t mind making chit-chat with great Uncle Paul
But he might hear me moan through the plaster-board walls.
When you grow up you gather both knowledge and vice
And they list your name under both ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’
So while Christmas is ruled by that family stuff
This year I’ve decided: enough is enough.
As a kid all I thought of was Santa and gifts
But now I’m thirty-two and I don’t give a shit
About stockings and baubles and chestnuts and such,
So I’m choosing a Christmas that’s just for grown-ups.
I choose swearing and wanking and sucking and gin
I’ll eat Quality Street and I won’t pass the tin.
I’ll have Wetherspoons brandy and living-room head
I will sleep till midday in my own fucking bed.
Swap the mince pies for sex toys, satsumas for lube
Crank the tunes up and dance in the hall in the nude.
I won’t have to pretend Father Christmas exists
If I’m not ankle-deep in a gaggle of kids.
So come singletons, couples, and anyone who
Wants a holiday treat that is all about you.
If you’ve no time for stockings and overpriced crap
Have some fun with these gifts you don’t need to unwrap:
Christmas lie-ins and shortbread you don’t have to share,
Festive wanks in the lounge in your favourite armchair,
Your own music, no arguments, cheese-and-wine diet
And the very best thing above all: peace and quiet.
I usually write a dirty Christmas Eve story, so if that’s more your thing check out those links. I just really wanted to write a poem, because I’ve done a few this year and they’ve always been really fun to write. This one was too.
It’s not, of course, meant as a criticism of your Christmas. There are lots of different ways to celebrate Christmas – or not celebrate Christmas, depending on your preferences. Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, I hope you have a lovely time.
Be well.
xxx
13 Comments
Love this.
Merry Christmas, GotN.
xxx
Merry Christmas! <3 xxx
Fabulous!
Merry Christmas! :)
If on my this could be my Christmas xxx
I wish that was going to be my Christmas. Maybe next year. Thanks, really enjoyed.
We have had one of these Christmas’ once… just the two of us. We cooked a small turkey and wore my PJ’s all day. It was utterly blissful. However the best Xmas I ever had was flying to Philly on Christmas day just me and him. We got upgraded to business class, the stewards plied me with Kir Royales the whole way there and the Christmas dinner was surprisingly good…. although my judgement may have been slightly impaired by the amount I had drunk but it was still fucking epic, no kids, no family, no presents to worry about. Magic
Mollyxxx
That sounds AMAZING. I’m so envious. Have a good one xxx
How is Die Hard not a Christmas film?
Happy Christmas!
Love this.
Thank you GotN, Merry Christmas x
Fuck yes to all of this (brilliant rhymes, too)! No kids, no extended family, no awkward gift exchanges this year; just a lie in, watching my football team win a game, drinking from the time I woke up to the time I fell asleep and lots of laughter with friends. Being away from home for Christmas has definite perks. Happy holidays! <3
I LOVE THIS! I will be memorizing and humming through the next holiday season. Lol. My poetry isn’t this humorous. I appreciate you sharing!! <3
Desire and intimacy are very much a part of Love, and these erotic poems prove that sex need not be sordid or ugly. On the contrary, between two people very much in love with each other, sex can the most beautiful and natural thing in the universe.
Haha, this is great. I am doing the same. I’ve told family I’m Christmassing with friends and friends I’m Christmassing with family. FWB arriving on the 28th. Happy Blissmas!