Legend tells of a woman who reaches her early forties and suddenly realises that she’s sick of your bullshit. For the purpose of this post, I’m going to refer to her as Bitch (complimentary).
My thirties were a lot of fun, but they were also marked by extreme anxiety, a crumbling sense of self-worth, and a steadily simmering anger towards men. I am starting to wonder when my time to become a Bitch (complimentary) might come round.
Bitch
Let’s explain first what I mean by that word. ‘Bitch’ is an insult – a way to paint women as yapping, snarling, irritating creatures. It means ‘female dog’ and in some contexts can indicate ‘a woman who is unreasonable and ill-mannered’: “she was gossiping about some of her closest friends, what a bitch!”. In others (like when it’s proceeded by ‘little’) it means ‘a woman who is weak’: “stop being a little bitch!”
But those are not the worst ways the word is used, in my opinion. Although they can be annoying and shitty, there is one use of ‘bitch’ that makes my blood run cold: when I hear it from the lips or see it in the eyes of a man who has just been told ‘no’.
Just two days after drafting this piece, I was talking to a friend about red flags – how can we spot the men who mean us harm?
‘Bitch’ was the first thing she said.
“Any man who would spit the word ‘bitch’ at you is a man who has no respect for you as a person.”
And she’s right. There is no coming back from a rage-spat ‘bitch’. No way to ignore the flash of disrespect and misogyny. If a man calls you a ‘bitch’, it’s all over. You’ve glimpsed behind the curtain and seen the roiling hatred it usually hides.
“Bitch” is the word men use for a woman who won’t submit. It’s used to signify that this particular ex wife wouldn’t roll over on the divorce settlement. It’s the first word out of Andrew Tate’s mouth when new allegations drop. It’s the word that gets yelled during arguments if you have the temerity to walk away.
Ironically, because a literal bitch usually scampers round on all fours, ‘Bitch’ is what men call the women who stand up to them.
Bitches are ‘nasty’. Bitches are ‘cold’. Bitches put their own needs above the needs of those who choose to treat them like shit.
Well… sign me up!
Bitch (complimentary)
If a ‘Bitch’ is a woman who says ‘no’, who’ll put her own needs above yours, then I’d like to become one. That is what ‘Bitch (complimentary)’ means to me.
Is there a training course I can start attending, please? Do any awesome Bitches (complimentary) wish to mentor me? Obviously I subscribe to Mona Eltahawy’s newsletter, she’s fucking fantastic. But I think I could be doing more to grow. To become a full-fledged Bitch (complimentary).
I don’t mean ‘I’d like to be horrible to people for no reason’, I just mean I’d like to stop rolling over and getting crushed.
I’d like to be the woman who sits in silence as you try to explain your shit behaviour. Not offering up excuses or soothing words to prevent you from feeling too bad. Just sitting patiently, giving you time and space to explain yourself. And if the explanation isn’t good enough, I’d like to walk away without guilt – not worry about exactly how best to disappear without causing you too much pain as I escape.
I want to be the kind of person who doesn’t stroke your ego if you’ve stomped over one of my boundaries because you think your good intentions override the line I’ve drawn: I’ll just tell you to fuck off and leave me alone.
I’d like to bite back my instinct to forgive and soothe and understand. Instead, I want the power to hand your insults back. Explaining that you hurt me, without instantly scrambling to try and understand why. Avoid tempering my criticism until it’s so soft that you don’t even realise I am angry.
I’d love to stop making myself smaller because you find it ‘intimidating‘. Stop smiling politely through all your long stories when you won’t make any space for my own. Stop accepting crumbs of kindness with disproportionate gratitude, teaching you that crumbs are all I need.
Rude bitch (complimentary)
To some of you, these missions might seem small fry. But to me they represent a giant leap in assertiveness. While it’s easy to write the words down when I’m wearing the magic cloak of confidence that is ‘Girl on the Net’, in real life I find it hard to picture myself doing these rude things.
The corner of my most recent therapist’s mouth would twitch at my use of the word ‘rude’. He’d say something like “I’m curious why you chose that word. Are those things you listed ‘rude’?”
And he would be correct to do so.
These things are not ‘rude’, they’re vital. It is vital to be able to protect yourself from the kind of person who would treat you in shitty ways. Because that person sometimes becomes the one who spits ‘bitch’ six inches from your face. Or because even if this one never does, another might, and the only way to keep the worst at bay is to wear your Bitch on your sleeve. Like armour. Like black-and-yellow stripes to warn them: danger.
My rebirth as a Bitch is quite far off, I fear. The best I’ve got so far – thanks to that awesome therapist – is the understanding that it isn’t my job to pre-emptively concern myself with the ways my existence might upset other people. To stop trying to guess at ways I could have wronged somebody, crunching myself as small as possible to avoid accidentally treading on their toes. I know I never set out to hurt people, and I’m always very sorry when I do, so perhaps the onus is not on me to try and move through the world with such delicate footsteps that I never cause any harm at all (an impossible task). Instead I should live my life the way I think is right, and trust that competent adults will let me know – respectfully – if I’m doing something that hurts them.
I keep saying ‘people’ and ‘adults’ here, but honestly I mostly mean ‘men‘. Throughout my life it has usually been men who explode at me – sudden rages that seemingly come from nowhere. Women I’ve known don’t tend to store up grievances until they curdle into contempt, then spit them at me the way misogynists yell ‘bitch’. They don’t tend to make their insecurity my problem, expecting me to anticipate and coddle on the off-chance that my growth might make them feel small.
Perhaps if I want to avoid falling hard for guys who treat me like shit, I need to put this power into practice on a daily basis.
Wear my danger stripes. Put on the layers of armour.
Become a massive Bitch (complimentary).