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Morning sex is the worst thing ever

Someone told me recently that I should write more clickbaity headlines, so there you go. I’ve dusted off one of my most controversial sex opinions, donned the mantle of a Daily Mail journalist, and now I’m going to try and defend the fact that I really fucking hate morning sex.

I AM TIRED, OK? The chances are I was up late last night drinking wine and trying to tempt you into having a go on my tits. If I was successful I was up even later lying in a fug of sated sexual glee as I rubbed the last droplets of your drying spunk into my nipples.

If you wake me up when the Today programme is on I am liable to growl like a startled bulldog.

Look: it’s 7 in the morning. Most people are stumbling bleary-eyed to the shower, and I am about to do the same. My hair’s all crappy, my mouth feels like someone’s hoovered it during the night, and my tits are still covered in dried spunk from yesterday.

I LOVE that thing some guys do, where they snuggle up first thing in the morning all cosy and warm at my back. The bit where they nudge a morning erection into the crack of my arse, and poke softly against me as if the sensation itself is all the satisfaction they need. I DO NOT LOVE the bit where they tweak my nipples and/or bite my neck as if to say “how about we make sweet sweet love while panicking about whether the alarm’s about to go off?”

Morning sex at the weekend?

I know what you’re thinking – you’re thinking ‘OK, but how about morning sex when it’s the weekend?’ to which my answer is ‘if it’s the weekend, why the shitting arse are you awake in the morning?’ You might be one of these go-getting adventurers who spends their weekends sipping coffee in cafés and ordering off something called the ‘breakfast’ menu, but we’re not all superhuman.

Here’s the thing: I do actually get up before midday on Saturdays. I get up at about 10, have a shower, drink coffee, and sit down to get some work done (because I am exactly as rock and roll as my Mother raised me to be). But were I to be interrupted partway through this routine by a gentleman with an insistent libido and no respect for the laws of the permanently hungover, I would hurl lukewarm coffee in his face and smother him with a tray of croissants.

Don’t go thinking I’m a horrible sexual killjoy, though – I bloody LOVE evening sex. I love lunchtime sex. I love pre-pub sex. I love during-the-pub-sex-in-the-pub-toilets. I love the sex you have when the Ocado delivery is due, and you challenge yourselves to a quick five-minuter just to see if you can make it before the doorbell goes. I love long, slow shags. I love shags that happen in the middle of the night, or snatched moments of mutual masturbation.

I might miss out on morning sex, but in return I get something that I enjoy far more: a moment of peace and quiet when I can be on my own, while a hot guy snores away in my bed, ready and waiting for me to wake him up with a Sunday blowjob.

I genuinely can’t remember the last time I had sex in the morning before work. The very thought of it makes me shiver and reach for the ‘snooze’ button. If I were being true to my promise to be Daily-Mail-esque and controversial, I’d tell you that if you like morning sex then you’re sick and wrong and probably inadvertently responsible for rising house prices. But I won’t, because there’s only so obnoxious I can pretend to be before I make myself vomit. What I will say, though, is that if you’re a fan of morning sex even at the weekend – the kind where you both wake up at the same time and start the day with some mutual genital rubbing, you miss out on something that I find particularly spectacular…

That delicious point at which, after I’ve woken, showered, dressed, coffeed and pottered around the house, I get to tiptoe back into the bedroom, take off all the clothes I’ve so carefully put on, and get back into the bed that someone else has kept warm for me. When he’s partly asleep and partly awake, and he reaches out to grab me as I slip between the sheets. His cock twitches awake and his hands slide all over my freshly-showered skin, and I get a sleepy afternoon shag with no fear of the alarm clock.


  • Claire says:

    heh, Mistress is quite the opposite – her natural cycle is geared towards mornings, especially if shes wants Hubbby rather than Claire. Unfortunately Im the opposite.

    Its not unusual for me to be woken at 5am (or earlier!) for some nookie. I think she just likes to take advantage of me when I’m half asleep. Although I’ve apparently said “youve got to be fucking kidding” on more than one occassion before rolling over onto my front, denying her access. Not that I ever recall any of this :-)

  • aliashadi says:

    “I like women play dildo and masturbation”

  • Chris says:

    I’m with you GOTN, whoever thought up the idea of morning sex was clearly a nutter!!!

  • I have done this twice.

    Only twice. After that point I threw my alarm clock against the wall.

  • RB says:

    Much as I love your posts, GOTN, I’m gonna have to completely disagree with this one. I love nothing more than a good fuck to cheer me up before I have to trudge into work. Triple bonus points if I’m at theirs and they make me a brew.

    (Of course, as I’m without a permanent partner it could be the novelty which makes it so great…)

    • Girl on the net says:

      Well, there’s at least one point on which we can agree – the brew. As long as you mean coffee and not tea. If it’s tea then you are horribly wrong.

  • Julie says:

    Saturday or Sunday morning, yes please. Weekdays before work, well I would rather not. But my situation is such that when I am in bed with someone else, that other person is pretty much calling the shots. Luckily, his morning is not really morning at all!

  • Advizor54 says:

    Saturday morning sex, before my run is wonderful.
    Sunday morning sex, before church is even better, especially when I get her after her shower so i know she’s full of me during serivces (egotistical, i know).
    But, If I propose morning sex before going to work? I’m likely to be kneed in the nuts because I get up at 4;50 AM and she DOES NOT.

    It’s all a matter of timing. And, one downside, no matter how much I love her, while I lock the door, get the lube and the toys, she has to brush her teeth (as do i). thank it’s ON!

  • The best kind of morning sex is the kind that afterwards neither of you can remember who started it.

  • Fiddy says:

    Gonna hafta disagree with that one. My wife always happily volunteers to take care of my morning wood, often when we’re in the shower. It’s a bit different than what we usually do, and often involves more grinding than anything. Yes, all sex is good, but its always invigorating to have something a bit slower instead of our usual animalistic rutting. Not to mention in the afternoon we usually are too tired to do much more than oral, not that I mind.

  • Brilliant! I love this, i may even print it out and stick it on my wardrobe door, so Mr Monkey can have a read.

    I hate morning sex, nothing fun about it. i either tell him to jog on, as i roll over and nick the rest of the duvet or i just accept the fate of bad sex and lay there like a zombie. 9/10 times he gets told to fuck off but it works in my favor, as he skulks downstairs and reappears with fresh coffee and toast……..i get breakfast and still i tell him to jog on, cus i’m a mean bitch :)

    but when i wake up in my own time, i do like to tease him with a blowjob :)

  • I’m also going to have to disagree. Though morning sex is not routine for me, because I’m up so early and I like my quiet time, I have the most amount of energy in the morning and so sex is spectacular for that reason.
    But I do wake up at 4 in the morning, regardless of hungover or going to bed just a few hours prior. Did I mention I’m a morning person?
    Yeah, that early most would not welcome my mouth, hands, or body – they want to sleep.

  • AJ says:

    I agree with you completely, aside from one thing: being woken at from a nap with cock is fucking lovely. Unless it’s an illness related nap, obv. Otherwise, am is for comfy snuggles; anything more than that can wait until after I’ve stretched my legs and ingested sufficient caffeine!

    • Girl on the net says:

      Ooh, that’s actually a bloody good point. I am, for some reason, totally fine with post-nap shagging. If it’s an afternoon nap and I’m woken by a hot and insistent dude? Hell yeah. I have no idea why this is – I think maybe my nap type sleep is different from my night sleep? I also have a real thing for that soft feeling you get when you wake up from a nap. My skin feels different and my mouth tastes different, and I just generally feel a bit stoned-woozy. It’s nice.

  • Jackie says:

    Great post! I will have to disagree, I love weekend morning sex IF i’m not hungover. The way the schedule works with my boyfriend right now , I couldn’t be bothered by morning sex either. Btw, He’s up and getting ready for work at 4am. That idea would get shot down so quick lol!

  • Azkyroth says:

    Well, 11:59 sex is pretty nice. :P

  • @tomwatched says:

    The first post I have read and all I can say is, yes!

    No pith nor wisdom but dammit, I like to feel reasonably clean and fresh for sex. I like my wife to be reasonably clean and fresh too.

    Foreplay where you wonder if you smell or dread that she does is not fun. Sex where you catch a whiff of yourself is not fun.

    There. First comment. Done.

  • Jo says:

    I’m with RB and Cammies on this; I’m exhausted at the end of the day and usually want to pass out, but I wake up buzzing with energy in the mornings. For me, nothing is better than nuzzling my partner awake and touching / kissing the person next to me until my body is burning and I absolutely have to have them inside of me. I like the immediacy of wanting someone so bad in the moment that you don’t care if your teeth are brushed or your hair is sticking out at crazy angles. Also, if you’re into your partner’s natural body odor (and science says that you probably are!), it’s GREAT first thing in the morning.

  • Rachael says:

    1000 times YES! Morning breath, bad hair, and a desire for nothing more than to see the inside of my eyelids is all I want at 7 AM. I’m much more up for “a go” around noon.

  • Zoë says:

    I tend not to like nighttime sex so much because I’m usually quite tired and we have a habit of not starting early enough, so we stay up too late and then I have a shit sleep.

    I generally prefer morning sex – on the understanding that we don’t have any place to be until afternoon and alarm clocks are not involved. (We both work from home, so this happens quite a lot for us.)

    I defend my sleep vigorously. Someday I might agree to be woken up in the night to be fucked, but this probably won’t happen until I’ve remedied my long-standing sleep debt. In the meantime, if I get woken up before I’m ready, he should expect to lose whatever body part he woke me with. But he knows better than that :-)

  • Alright McAlright says:

    I’ve had deals with my sexual partners: Since I hardly wake up to alarm clocks, I entirely rely on them to wake me up.

    The sadistic part comes when they don’t wake me up on purpose just so I miss my day LOL

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