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What are real women and how can I tell if I am one?

Guys guys guys guys guys you’ll never guess what, right? Real women have curves.

They do, you know. They have curves and faces and they are three-dimensional.

According to some magazines, they also have a ‘pre-sex ritual.’ 

Real women. REAL women. It is very important that you know this, for some reason. VERY IMPORTANT INDEED. For you must be able to identify the Real Women from the Women Who We Have Decided For Some Reason Are Not Real.

Real women shave their bikini lines, and simultaneously do not shave their bikini lines, like Schroedinger’s muff.

Real women eat brownies and are also ‘gluten-free’ and they shop in the sales and they laugh at crap telly.

Reel women like fish.

Real women have lipstick smears on their teeth and are half-cut on Christmas brandy that they found in the back of their Mum’s cupboard when they were visiting home for Christmas.

Real women don’t care if they have boyfriends.

Real women are married and will have children because that is the law.

Real women are composed entirely of dust, electrified into motion in a vaguely corporeal shape.

Real women hide their tentacles from strangers, for modesty.

Réal women like football.

Real women fly, but only at heights below 1000 feet, and only if they feel like it and they aren’t busy watching Bargain Hunt.

Real women prefer Cadbury’s Roses to crappy Nestle Quality Street and we will fight you for the caramel barrels.

Real women are solid at room temperature, but liquefy at 38 degrees centigrade, which is why we have separate saunas at the gym.

Real women – the ones who have curves – can tell you the exact equation of any given curve should you wish to reproduce it on a graph.

We are not like those Other Women. Those Women Who Do Not Do Or Look The Same As Us. Make no mistake, these are impostors. Women without curves, who have no pre-sex beauty ritual or who are formed of sticklebricks and glue. Sneaky, devious fakes, they will sidle up to you and whisper sweet nothings into your ears, tickling you with their hands-that-aren’t-tentacles and fluttering eyelashes that  remain suspiciously solid even at high temperature. These women may take gaseous form. They may be formed of metal, or be purely theoretical, or indeed come to you only as a soundwave – a piercing shriek of unreality penetrating your brain at night.

However they come, though, know that they will. They will come for you: these unreal women. These Women Who Are Not Like Us.

You must learn the formula. Know what is and isn’t real. For if you do not then these Other Women will come for you at night, and they will bundle you into the back of their starships and take you away from this place.

Your only safety is with us. We Real Women, Who Exist In Three Dimensions. We Women Who Are What You’d Expect. We Women Who Do What We’re Told.

For those of you joining us from reddit, please note this article is a joke. There is no such thing as an ‘unreal woman’ – all women are real. And we’re coming to get you. Mwa ha ha. 


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