Right now, in this actual universe, there exists a robot that writes porn. That is a real thing, not just a dream I had. There’ll be more to this blogpost than that simple fact, but I wanted to put it first because it pleases every single aspect of my nerdy, sex-curious, erotica-loving brain. Last weekend, Goldsmiths University hosted a sex tech hack: they got a group of clever, imaginative people together and gave them a bunch of sex toy hardware to play with, then asked them to create things around the themes of intimacy, companionship and sexuality. One of the many incredible things that came out of this was a robot that writes porn.

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I’ve never been a particular proponent of the idea that you have to come to enjoy sex, and if I’m truly honest I’d say the thing which matters most to me is that my partner comes. Which might seem horrifyingly subservient, until you realise that desire comes not from an old-fashioned desire to ‘satisfy’ him but because – not to put too fine a point on it – I like how it feels when he empties his balls into me.

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Almost any advance in technology has a sexual application. Smartphones? Porn, obviously. Virtual reality? Porn, obviously. Internet of things? Connected sex toys. Which you can synch with your porn. Obviously. So in any good sci-fi, there are plenty of examples of tech that either has been or could be used for filthy, sexy purposes. Given my love of creepy phone-fest Black Mirror, I have some thoughts on the latest series, and how the gadgets that features could have a sex tech application. Consider this post to be very spoiler-heavy for 3 episodes: Men Against Fire, Playtest and San Junipero.

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Before I suck dick, I take out my lip ring. I haven’t always done this – some guys used to enjoy the extra sensation, so I’d leave it in. Others felt it made very little difference – a blow job’s a blow job, right? – so I wouldn’t bother taking it out before I began. But my current partner prefers his blow jobs au naturel, so I take out my lip ring. And in doing so, I’ve inadvertently managed to achieve a bizarre sexual ambition.

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On Friday I went to Venus Berlin. On Sunday I bought two large McDonalds milkshakes, left them in the kitchen until they’d thoroughly melted, then clambered into the bath and poured them all over my tits. These two things are not unconnected.

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