Category Archives: Ranty ones
The 12 sex blog search terms of Christmas
If you want to find out just how interesting people can be, and just how many people share similar hot fantasies, you could look in worse places than a sex blog’s search bucket. People type all manner of excellent things into Google and eventually end up at my site – from ‘100 girl orgy’ to ‘my wife fucking a butternut squash.’
So I thought I’d do a bit of a meta-post looking at some of the cooler ones, and given that it’s nearly Christmas I’ve given them a festive theme. I know, right? If I shoehorn any more topical relevance into this post they’ll feature it on Sky News.
I’m obliged to do something Christmassy, though, and given that I’ve already written a Christmas gift guide, I thought I’d combine my love of Google Analytics and my desire for festive singalongs, and replace the lyrics to ’12 days of Christmas’ with sex blog search terms people have used over the last year. Sing it in your head to the tune or all my work will have been wasted.
We are all fucked (but without leaving marks)
The other day I sat on a guy’s face. I know, right? With no regard to his personal safety, I put him in a potentially life-threatening situation. Except I didn’t, of course, because I am not a five-year-old playing at being a pro-wrestler, I am an adult who is capable of making my own sexual choices.
As of yesterday, some ludicrously restrictive new rules around porn came into play and they’re such an odd combination of bizarre, sexist, and nannying that I don’t really know where to start. I thought I’d throw together a few outraged cries of ‘WHAT THE FUCK?!’ though, in order to encourage you all to get involved, and support Backlash, an organisation which is fighting against this weird ‘we think it’s a bit icky’ porn censorship.
Sex dolls: is loneliness more taboo than kink?
If you want to bend your partner over and beat them with a leather paddle, or be tied to the bedposts with soft bondage rope, blindfolded and shagged, there are a shitload of things out there that you can buy. Companies will be clambering over each other to sell you beating implements, rope and blindfolds along with a tonne of other exciting stuff you can turn on, lube up, and shove in your twitching rectum.
Which, as someone who enjoys all of the above, is a delight and a relief. After my first hushed-whispers visit to a sex shop about twelve years ago, I’m delighted that so much more of the stuff I love is not only available but openly encouraged. No more hiding things in a paper bag and wondering why I have “DIY solutions” on my credit card receipt.
But regardless of how much more comfortable we’ve become with our kinks, buying the kind of products that would have made us blush twenty years ago, there are some things you’ll still rarely see in ads and toy reviews: sex dolls.
Spin the bottle – how many kisses is enough?
“I know I’m married,” she tells me. “But I haven’t snogged enough people.”
“How many people have you snogged?”
“Ten.”
“And what would be ‘enough’?”
She thinks for a bit.
“One more.”
Working from home tips – the wanking routine
For those of you sitting in a comfortable office, wondering what your colleagues who work from home are getting up to, I can tell you that more often than not your suspicions are correct. We’re wanking.
Not all the time: we work as well. But consider all the time you spend distracting yourself from work by doing other things: making a cup of tea, eating biscuits, gossiping with colleagues about why you found a copy of so-and-so’s CV in the printer. We have some of these options (biscuits) but not others (gossip), so technically we have a fair amount of break time that can be dedicated to furious masturbation.