What’s your seduction style? Mine’s ‘incompetent and terrifying’

Image by the awesome Stuart F Taylor

When Valentine’s Day comes around I’m struck by the uniform nature of seduction – if we’ve decided to spend the 14th having a sexy evening in, we’re expected to conjure romance and sexiness using lingerie, rose petals, and a strategically timed raise of the eyebrow. Words like ‘intimate’ and ‘sensual’ are hurled around with casual abandon, as if these are things anyone can just conjure out of thin air. As if all sex starts with a soundtrack and a flurry of silk sheets and voile.

I can’t help but think I’m expected to charm guys into bed with grace and dignity, ideally leaving a waft of some expensive perfume leaving a trail from the doorway to the bed.

That is not my seduction style.

This one time at a spanking party

I went in, dressed in exactly the kind of outfit I hoped would attract dudes: tiny skirt, fishnets, tight shirt unbuttoned to the waist and an underbust corset to shove everything up as high as it would go. I wouldn’t say my tits were magnificent, but they were as close to ‘great’ as they ever get without photoshop. My partner wandered in beside me in jeans and a t-shirt, because that’s how he rolled and he looked really fucking sexy like that. We greeted old friends, made a few new ones, and I necked a glass of wine as a starter for ten.

It wasn’t long before my dude had the attention of a few people, because he was shy and skinny and hot and there were a couple of dom dudes who went for that sort of thing. So I stood in a corner slicking my knickers for a while, watching them paw and swat at him, before stalking off to find a guy who might be willing to do similar things to me.

And it. Was. Hard.

Like, really hard. There were a bunch of people there who I’d played with before, a whole tonne of whom I fancied, and at least three guys of exactly the type I was after: older gents with a dirty teacher look about them, and big hands gripped round drinks glasses that’d be perfect for smacking me raw. And yet, despite an abundance of guys, not one of them had outright asked me “hey can I take you upstairs and do bad bad things to your arse please?”

Not a one.

I flirted, and I smiled, and I necked more wine, and I tried to tempt one away from the conversation he was having. He flirted back repeatedly until I was practically shaking at the knees.

And still he remained neutral, asking questions like ‘so, do you come here often?’ and ‘how about I feed you what is really obviously a chat-up line without actually asking you to fuck?’

As you can tell, I was a bit frustrated.

Eventually, he started to twig that I was up for playing. Probably about halfway through the detailed explanation of exactly what I wanted a guy to do to me, when I screeched from the third-person ‘he/they’ and replaced it with a second-person ‘you’ and an irritable raise of my eyebrows.

“Do you… do you want me to spank you?” he asked, and I managed to maintain my mysterious allure by giving a simple nod of the head. Haha, I’m joking of course. While I’d love to think I had the willpower to appear cool, what I actually did was splutter “YES PLEASE” then  run for the bedroom like a dog that’s on a promise of ‘walkies’.

When we got into the bedroom – set up with a couple of spanking benches ready for the party – I hurled myself over a bench, spread my legs open, and panted ‘hurt me hurt me hurt me.’ The guy in question spent a precious three minutes explaining that he hadn’t want to appear too forward downstairs, and that he thought I wouldn’t want to play with him because he was so much older. After I’d snorted rather unattractively and assured him that he was exactly the sort of person I wanted to play with, we established a safe word and he got down to it.

And he did properly get down to it, to be fair. He was excellent. As I’d suspected when I made my initial approach, this wasn’t a guy prone to fucking about with a gentle warm-up spanking or keeping his distance while he worked me over. His first whack was so hard it knocked the breath out of me, and as further slaps fell, he pressed himself to the side of my hips so I could feel his growing erection. Using his other hand to press down hard on the small of my back to keep me in place, he alternated between slapping me and squeezing me – pinching and stinging my arse until I could feel my arousal soaking through my knickers.

At that moment I’d have given anything for him to whip them down and fuck me over the bench. But he didn’t. He kept beating and beating until I was raw and involuntary tears slipped down my cheeks. I pressed my hip closer against him and felt the stiffness of his cock grinding into me. And I needed a fuck. I needed him to touch me. I wanted to be the seductive, playful, graceful girl who could – with one word – communicate exactly what I needed.

But I wasn’t, of course, because in case you haven’t yet realised, my seduction style is best described as ‘petulant child.’ I took the beating for as long as I could, then moaned the safeword with a combination of arousal and abject despair. He rubbed the stinging heat out of my arse and moved his hand ever so slightly towards my aching cunt. At which point I sealed the deal by shouting:

“For fucks sake, just TOUCH IT.”

So there you have it: my appalling seduction style. I could cook a romantic meal, dress up in the sexy lingerie, at a pinch I could even spread rose petals. But come bedtime I’ll be lying semi naked on the living room floor, arse in the air and knickers round my ankles, shouting “Jesus Christ will you please just FUCK ME ALREADY.”


  • Hey GOTN and all the fabulous readers! Check out my blog, Sinful Tastings, for similar content relating to all things delicious… pâté to pussy. Leave comments and let me know what you think!


    • Girl on the net says:

      Heya, totally up for you promoting your blog and linking to it – always good to find new writers! But if you’re joining in on the comments, I’d prefer you to leave a comment related to the actual post, otherwise it looks a bit spammy.

      Also, if you leave a witty/hilarious/sexy comment people are more likely to click through to see your blog than if you just tell ’em to =)

  • urbanvox says:

    Haha… Sounds attractive as fuck to me… ;)
    Also… Just left ideas in my head I thought I didn’t have right now… Making life HARD for me again babes… And trousers tight! ;P

  • urbanvox says:

    Thoughts I wish I didn’t have… Lol wtf yuri… Wtf lol

  • Totally my classy seduction style!

  • Peneth says:

    And then what happened?

  • God, I felt that spanking. Brought tears to my eyes!

  • Phaedra says:

    Well I felt sorry for her you should not have to spell it out what you want but evidently you do to some.

  • ArgyBargy says:

    dear lord I totally relate to this – not in the been to a spanking party way, I wish – but in style of seduction. Foreplay, teasing and all that are ace, don’t get me wrong but the moment that arousal tips over into genuine frustration it’s like a mentos going into a coke bottle: trying to stop the irritation and impatience coming out like a barking order is almost impossible. I feel you, GOTN.

  • Claire says:

    Cant say I have one per se, as Ive been with Mistress for so long now that I dont even flirt with other women when in Hubby mode, and Claire doesnt get out of the house much (read : at all)

    As far as Hubby goes, a Joey from Friends style “How you doing” with a waggle of the eyebrows and a suggestive leer is usually enough to drag Mistress upstairs for some fun…

  • Becca says:

    I’ve been planning this whole valentines evening where I dress up, seduce him to a quivering, begging wreck and then fuck his brains out :/
    I’m by no means a seductress nor do I have the skills to fake it. What was I thinking? Oh yeah I remember, he loves to fuck me any which way one or both of us demands. So screw seduction technique my guys a sure thing and I fully intend on cashing in! The beauty of playing seductress with him, he’s seen me at my worst (vodka induced usually) and still loves me enough to forgive my jealous ramblings and make it all better with a make up shag. So even if I suck at being a mysterious tease he’ll appreciate the effort and take me up the arse anyway :)

  • Eusa says:

    *involuntary lol* at “walkies”.

    (Still trying to work out if “screeched” was autocorrect fail of “switched”, or reflecting your frustration ;-))

  • Vanessa83 says:

    I can’t imagine that you don’t get this often; but I wish I could bottle your sexual confidence. I’m such a prude, and though almost everything in your blog sounds so much fun even at my age, I’m still far too shy to try it. You’re my idol though :)

    • Girl on the net says:

      Blimey – thank you so much! I’m massively lucky in that I’ve been brought up in an environment where sex is generally seen as quite a playful thing (although I suspect if you asked different members of my family they’d all disagree), and was lucky enough to have great friends when I was a teenager, who were all relatively sexually active and up for experimenting with each other. And a couple of amazing eye-opening partners. So basically I think I’m saying that any confidence I have is mostly down to other people’s brilliance. I’m painfully shy in most contexts, and I suspect my incompetent, stroppy seduction style is partly born of an inability to say things with suave coolness, due to shyness, then eventually building up sexual frustration until it bursts out. Am well flattered to be someone’s idol though – thank you! x

  • Budgie says:

    As I said on Twitter, the two I’d use are “incompetent” and “unsuccessful”.

    Any romantic or sexual ‘relationships’ I’ve been in that deserve the word have been either when I’ve been introduced to someone (i.e. mutual friends have introduced us in person, or a blind date) or where I’ve known them for ages and things have developed from friendship. Or, yes, on a couple of occasions way back when, when someone’s effectively leaped on me because that was the only way I’d realise they were into me.

    (It’s a standard gag among friends and colleagues that anyone who IS interested better be carrying a plank, to smack me around the head with. Another friend once put it more bluntly: “Unless she’s on your lap dry humping you, you really don’t have a clue…”)

    True story. Few years ago, after my marriage ended, I went to a house party some distance outside London. The place was crowded with people, most of whom I knew, and many of whom were staying over. I’d planned to kip at the house, grabbing a space on the floor at some point when the party wound down. As the party did in fact wind down, a woman I’d known for some time invited me back to kip at her place. I jumped at the chance – her couch would inevitably be more comfortable than the floor, was my thinking. We got there, and it wasn’t *until I was sitting on her couch* and she, with some amazement it has to be said, explicitly asked me whether I genuinely thought I’d been invited back *to sleep on her couch*, that the penny dropped.

  • ElectricApple says:

    New to your blog and I am loving your sense of humour! 😹😹😹

  • DOD says:

    You might find the outburst because of frustration not sexy, I find myself probably dragging foreplay longer than they would like but I enjoy getting my partner to the point of nuclear meltdown I am a consumer of my partner my newest goal is to bring my next partner to come by nipple play don’t be shy ladies when it comes to ask for you want life is too short to miss out and like a wise person said
    “Close mouths don’t get feed ” by the way I love your writing it’s simply Awesome

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