I’m not telling you to buy all these things. Apart from anything else, some of them are completely free. What I AM going to tell you, though, is that it’s the time of year when people hunt around for gifts to buy their lovers for Valentine’s Day, or buy themselves for Valentine’s Day (I’d argue the latter is better because you know damn well it’ll be well received), and so it would be remiss of me not to nudge you towards the fabulous sponsors who help keep the lights on here at GOTN HQ. We have sex toys, audio porn, porn porn, restraints and loads more. Fill yer boots. Every time you click a link on one of the banners around the site or in articles like this, I get a little bit of kudos and you help keep this site running. So even if you’re broke right now, bookmark to treat yourself later.

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There are lots of things I enjoy about this time of year, but gifts aren’t one of them. I feel uncomfortable if people buy them for me (please don’t go to any trouble!) and I’m terrified of giving them. Although I occasionally have a flash of inspiration, or the time and ability to arrange a cool trip or activity, most of the time I end up panic-buying a present at the last minute that’s way over my tiny budget, because I didn’t have time to shop/think/make but I need this person to know that I care about them anyway. Even the cool things I do occasionally manage come with a hefty dollop of misery as I agonise over the fact that they will still fall woefully short. It never feels possible to buy a gift that is thoughtful enough, arrange an outing that’s fun enough, or write a poem in a card that’s meaningful enough to capture the weight of my love for this kickass person. But I tell you what I can do very well: gratitude.

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Hooray for science! This week’s fantastic guest blog, by Jocket, has exactly the kind of wanking detail that a sex nerd like me gets ridiculously excited about. Not only has he tried out a bunch of different masturbation sheaths (across a range of brands), but he’s done a deep-dive into one of the best sleeves (made by my site sponsor Godemiche) and ranked every possible textured iteration of their OffBeat toy based on what feels best on his dick. WHAT A HERO. Take it away Jocket…

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I think it was a Reddit comment, that’s where the hairband trick originally came from. A guy was replying to a question along the lines of ‘what’s the hottest thing your partner does that isn’t specifically a sex thing?’ and he started waxing lyrical about hairbands. Prior to sucking him off, he explained, she did this thing where she reached for a hairband (from her pocket, her wrist, a nearby table, wherever: those of us who tie our hair up generally have a few scattered around our homes, bags and person at all times) and looked him dead in the eye as she scraped her hair back into a ponytail. It was hot, he explained, because not only did it get him pulsing towards erection via the Pavlovian effect of telling him ‘you’re about to get your dick sucked’, it also symbolised that she was taking this really seriously. Hair tied back means business. It means ‘I want to really go to town on you.’

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In the moment I broke up with my ex – the moment itself, when I said the words, “I can’t do this any more, I’m so sorry” or whatever it was – I knew that at least one of my friends agreed it was the right decision. She’d sent me an email, the week before, which started with the sentence “I didn’t think you were ready to hear this last year, but now I feel like it’s time…” It was one of the best emails I have ever received. It was kind, caring and helpful. It did not trash my ex or instruct me to break up with him, it just reminded me of the conversations I’d had with her over the last few years, and what those conversations amounted to from her perspective. She held up a mirror to the picture I’d been painting in a way that made me see the image as clearly as she did. To this day, I am grateful to her for sending that email. Without it, my life would look very different today.

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