Sexual consent isn’t gendered – at least, it shouldn’t be. If you’re chatting someone up in the hope that you’ll get to have sexy fun with them later, you shouldn’t be putting pressure on them to do things they don’t want to do, no matter what your gender or theirs. So apologies to everyone who knows this already, but I just wanted to pick up my sledgehammer and really slam this point home. Men: your consent matters too.

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So far I’ve been silent on the horrorshow that is Goop – Gwyneth Paltrow’s bullshit-engine which advocates wellness ‘treatments’ designed to cure you of your money. She recommends anything from vaginal steaming (argh) to jade eggs, making ludicrous claims about how these things can help you ‘detox’ and generally improve your life. I haven’t bothered with it until now, but my Twitter feed is currently packed with news and snark about ‘Goop Lab’ – her new show where she demonstrates some of the pseudoscience she’s trying to flog you – so I’d feel negligent if I didn’t write something. What’s more, I recently realised this problem isn’t limited to Goop: a sex toy website that I otherwise have a lot of time for has started peddling weird bullshit along with its jade eggs, and it breaks my fucking heart. Let’s start by tackling jade eggs and other cuntstones, and why the dodgy claims about their magical powers aren’t just ‘harmless fun’. I’ll save vaginal steaming for another angry day.

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You can tell a lot about a person by what happens when you tell them ‘no.’ This is possibly one of the most useful lessons I’ve learned as a sex blogger, so I figured I’d share it with you: if you want to know someone, say no to them. 

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People often ask me for sex toy recommendations, so in this wildly boring but nevertheless helpful post, I’m going to tell you the top sex toys I’d save if my house was burning down and I only had time to grab a few. The main reason for me writing this post is because I am short of both content and cash, but I appreciate that sex toy recommendations are far less interesting than stories about having dildo orgies or watching my other half do a sexy genderfuck striptease. So here’s my offer: I will tell you about the best sex toys I own (i.e. the ones I use most often), you go buy them if you want, I’ll get some money, and then on Sunday I’ll publish some Halloween erotica story that isn’t trying to sell you anything at all. Deal? OK.

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For years I’ve been lying to you all about the purpose of this blog – saying it’s about sharing sex stories and helping to tackle some of the weird assumptions society makes about the things we do behind closed doors. In fact, the whole point of the last eight years of my life has been to build up a large enough platform that I can properly school you on the rules of ‘Never Have I Ever’. Or ‘I Have Never’, as it is called where I’m from.

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