People often ask me for sex toy recommendations, so in this wildly boring but nevertheless helpful post, I’m going to tell you the top sex toys I’d save if my house was burning down and I only had time to grab a few. The main reason for me writing this post is because I am short of both content and cash, but I appreciate that sex toy recommendations are far less interesting than stories about having dildo orgies or watching my other half do a sexy genderfuck striptease. So here’s my offer: I will tell you about the best sex toys I own (i.e. the ones I use most often), you go buy them if you want, I’ll get some money, and then on Sunday I’ll publish some Halloween erotica story that isn’t trying to sell you anything at all. Deal? OK.

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The fuckstick makes him feel powerful, he tells me. A fuckstick, in case you were wondering, is quite literally a dildo on a stick – a fat blue silicone cock moulded, in this case, onto just over a metre of solid wooden handle, with a leather grip at the other end. Thanks to my site sponsors Godemiche for sending me this wand of wonder. It’s a sex toy that invites dominance. It oozes power. The very act of holding it makes his lip curl upwards in a dominant sneer, and allows him the confidence to issue me strict instructions: “Bend over.”

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Intimidation is hard to distinguish from excitement, especially when the two so often come hand in hand. That look you shoot me which says ‘you’re in trouble’ can sometimes make the blood drain from my face, tricking me into thinking I’m afraid, before the flood converges in my beating crotch, reminding me that this only happens because I really really want it to.

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We’ve all heard that old saying “Don’t have anything in your home that you don’t know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” Happily, when it comes to dildos, you don’t need to choose between practicality and prettiness: you can have both. In which case… how do you choose the best dildo to add to your collection?

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The other day I squirted for the first time and it was fucking AWESOME so I’m going to tell you all about it. Regular readers will know that in the past my inability to squirt has caused me much heartache. I’d seen the people in porn squirting all over the place, including into the eager faces of their sexual partners, and my heart throbbed with sadness that I’d never quite managed to muster anything more than the odd sploosh. But finally – FINALLY – after years of longing and wishing and getting eagerly fingered to little result, I recently managed my first ever squirt and it was everything I’d dreamed of. Here’s how it happened, in case you’d either like to try it for yourself or just have a lovely wank because the thought of squirting turns you on.

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