I’m pretty obnoxious and annoying sometimes. I can be far too loud in some situations, and far too quiet in others. Sometimes I sit nervously in a corner checking my phone because I’m too shy to introduce myself. At other times, I drink a couple of pints in rapid succession to calm my nerves and end up saying things I wouldn’t say if I was sober. Both of these traits, along with many others, have caused me to miss out on opportunities to get laid. But none more so than one thing: smoking.
I smoke. And I kind of want to add ‘too much’ to that, but realistically smoking at all is usually too much when seen through the eyes of a non-smoker. When I was dating, the sheer number of people who’d write ‘I can’t stand smokers’ on their dating profiles, or tick the boxes that say ‘smoking is a dealbreaker’ means my pool of potential shag buddies was severely limited.
But smoking has also helped me get laid. Not because men see me across a crowded beer garden and go ‘oh look, her who’s too pissed to light the right end: she’s the one for me’, but because for the best part of my formative years, smoking was considered cool.
Which means that I have a really fucked up relationship with smoking and sex.
What makes someone sexy? This week’s guest blogger – Dee Emm Elms – lays down some significant truths about desire, via a really unusual crush. Her post is one of the best things anyone’s ever sent me, and I truly hope you understand why.
Years ago when I used to browse Gumtree ‘sex buddy wanted’ ads for fun, I’d spot a lot of messages from submissive guys offering to clean my house in exchange for a beating. While I was pretty tempted by the idea of having the mould scrubbed clean from my bathroom, I figured, well, you get what you pay for, right? Someone who’s horny for a spanking is unlikely to make good work of scrubbing the bath. Still, I am delighted to discover that this arrangement does sometimes work, and while the housework/spanking exchange might not be the best idea, if you have cashmoney it’s more than possible to hire a naked maid.
This week’s guest blog comes from TeachersHaveSex. As you can tell from the blog title, right now she’s a teacher. But in the past she had a job that did exactly what it said on the tin: she was a naked maid. I hope you enjoy her story as much as I did.
“Dear GOTN, despite the fact that you’re a grumpy arse for most of the year, I’d like to invite you to my birthday party…
Ooh! A party! How fun!
“It will be held on Saturday at 8pm…”
Yay! I’m free on Saturday! I can go!
“At this address…
I’ll find it on Gmaps. Oooh, I’m so excited!
“The fancy dress theme will be…”
Shit it, I’m not going.
When people send me guest blogs which so beautifully capture the delight and desire in a very specific fetish, I go a bit weak at the knees. I don’t think you have to share a particular fetish, or kink, in order to enjoy hearing about it – one of the things I love most about fet is the twinkle in someone’s eyes as they wax lyrical about the exact reasons why they love something. I might not understand the fetish in itself, but the passion and delight with which someone explains their desire is arousing in and of itself. I think so, at any rate.
So when this week’s guest blogger – LatexLegs – sent me ‘part 1’ of a story about his fantasy night dressed head to toe in latex fetish wear, the delicious intensity with which he described his arousal stood out pretty strongly. It’s fantasy rather than real-life, and there’s an aching longing there which reminds me of certain wistful stories I wrote before I had the opportunity to fully embrace the sex I wanted to have with a partner. As I say, this is part 1, and I’ve had a sneak preview of part 2. I don’t usually publish more than one guest blog from each person, but this covers something which I can’t talk about with the same degree of fiery passion and hotness, so if you like this leave a comment and I’ll squeeze part 2 into the new year.