This morning I received a strongly worded letter from the Sex Blogger’s Association, informing me that as I have not yet written any custom content for Masturbation Month, they will soon be removing my Fuckblogger badge and ripping up my membership card. The only way out of this is to write some sauce that explicitly references ‘Masturbation Month.’ So here goes: 10 wank fantasies that you can steal/tweak/edit and enjoy at your leisure.

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Few things would induce me to haul my hungover arse out of bed and all the way to Coventry first thing on a Sunday morning, but the ETO Show is one of them. It’s a trade show, hosted by the lovely people of ETO Magazine (subscribe on the website to get physical copies or register to read it free online), at which a bunch of sex industry companies gather to show off their wares, and cheeky fucks like me pop in to have a nose at all the latest genital gadgets. Here are some select highlights from this year’s show, including a fuck machine that I am desperate to have a go on, and a bunch of sex toys that you lot can win.

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A while ago, the lovely folks over at Doxy commissioned me to write a couple of erotic stories for their site. Recently, because they are lovely and kind and they want you all to have the BEST wanks, they gave me the go-ahead to upload it in full here – as text and audio porn. It’s all about a woman who goes hunting for a guy to help her realise her dream: having a threesome with a fucking machine.

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I’m ridiculously excited to welcome anthropologist and queer activist Dr Jamie Lawson as today’s guest blogger. If you follow him on Twitter you might have noticed he’s been trying to get Sainsbury’s and Boots to make a really simple but important change to the way they sell condoms and lube. And you can help him…

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I’ve never been a big fan of massage oil – it gets all sticky on my hands. While it’s delightful to stroke and prod and knead someone else’s body (particularly the arse – God how I love rubbing oiled-up hands on someone’s arse) I’ve always been a bit put off by the fact that when the massage stops and the slippery fucking begins, there’s nowhere to wipe my hands.

Until now, because I have one of these amazing tactile fluidproof sheets, and holy shit do I love it. The following post isn’t a review, it’s just an account of some wet and delicious sex I had. It’s also written pretty much in one take, because I got horny while I was writing it and it was a choice of either editing it for ages or just putting it live then having a wank and a nap. Sorry.

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