Tag Archives: oral sex
On sexy slang
Language is a beautiful and ever evolving concept. There are some sexy things that are beautiful to say, some sexy language that can be hilarious, and some that can just be satisfying and brilliant in conversation down the pub. But why does so much sexy language have to be completely unrepresentative of the act that it purports to describe?
Lick her out
Hi, teenaged boys. When you generously give head to a lady it is extremely unlikely that you are actually going to be licking her out. Hopefully you’ll be moving your tongue around with varying degrees of pressure in the vague arena of her clitoris.
But if you are actually ‘licking her out’ that sort of implies that you are scooping unwanted gunge from the depths of her ladyspout, which is not only odd but will probably make the sexual experience drier and therefore less enjoyable.
Blow job
Spread word throughout the land to all inexperienced teenage girls: you do not blow on it. In fact, I think we should make it a national priority to rename the damn thing a ‘suck job’.
Because (and do correct me if I’m wrong) I believe you actually suck on it.
Fingering
Wow. Your finger looks nice and thick and satisfying. Almost as satisfying as a cock. Except of course it doesn’t unless you happen to be a genetic freak with gigantic cock-sized fingers who should definitely drop me an email.
‘Fingering’ implies that you only use one of them. It also sort of implies that the fingers are the most important part, which of course they’re not.
Any self-respecting pervert knows that what this should really be called is ‘using your hands to fuck me and generally mess around with my genitals in a variety of interesting ways until I squeal and bite through your shoulder.’ Although I guess that has the downside of being impossible to contain within a tweet or sexy text message.
Smash her back doors in
If there are breaky noises then you are definitely doing it wrong.
While we’re on the subject you might ‘get laid’, but you never ever ‘smash it.’ No matter how you generally rate a good fuck (based on romance, enthusiasm, inventiveness, or simply the ability to remain erect despite having a decent view of my face with the top light on), I don’t think anyone alive enjoys it more if it’s accompanied by the sound of a shattering pelvis.
On number 14
Number 14 wears leather gloves. When we go out for dinner – we always go out for dinner – he makes a show of taking them off and putting them on the table beside him. He’s calm. I’ve never heard him raise his voice, or get agitated, or even visibly excited. Number 14 is the domliest dom I know, and I’ve never had sex with him.
Why is he on the list? I don’t usually include people I haven’t actually fucked, but the things he’s done deserve more credit than the catch-all title ‘play.’ Play can be anything from a quick spanking at a party to a full-blown throat-fucking in a dark alley. The latter, I think, deserves a bit more credit.
He likes to find places that are private but public. Hidden nooks and doorways where he can press me into the wall and order me not to make a sound. It’s incredible what a pair of leather gloves and a calm demeanour can do to stop me from making the noises I’d usually revel in.
On the hunt for one of these places once he found what looked like an abandoned room just outside the entrance to a block of flats – just a door in a wall that took us into a place no bigger than a cupboard, with broken glass bottles on the floor and no lights.
He put his hand over my mouth and whispered to me not to make a sound, then yanked my skirt up and my knickers down and touched me until I was trembling and could barely stand.
Every time someone walked past the door, or I breathed too loudly or made any noise, he grabbed my throat and stopped me breathing until they’d gone. He kept doing this, then stopping, then doing more, then stopping, until I was so weak and frustrated that I was crying, and had we been somewhere no one would have heard us I’d have been begging him to fuck me.
When I got to that point he pushed me down until I was squatting on the floor and shoved his cock into my mouth, always maintaining his total silence and calm.
He held my hair with his leather-gloved hands and shoved himself right into my throat. It didn’t take long – after a few minutes, just as I started to choke and bruise, he came hot and hard into the back of my mouth.
Ever the gentleman, he walked me to the train station and held me up when I stumbled.