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On sexy slang

Language is a beautiful and ever evolving concept. There are some sexy things that are beautiful to say, some sexy language that can be hilarious, and some that can just be satisfying and brilliant in conversation down the pub. But why does so much sexy language have to be completely unrepresentative of the act that it purports to describe?

Lick her out

Hi, teenaged boys. When you generously give head to a lady it is extremely unlikely that you are actually going to be licking her out. Hopefully you’ll be moving your tongue around with varying degrees of pressure in the vague arena of her clitoris.

But if you are actually ‘licking her out’ that sort of implies that you are scooping unwanted gunge from the depths of her ladyspout, which is not only odd but will probably make the sexual experience drier and therefore less enjoyable.

Blow job

Spread word throughout the land to all inexperienced teenage girls: you do not blow on it. In fact, I think we should make it a national priority to rename the damn thing a ‘suck job’.

Because (and do correct me if I’m wrong) I believe you actually suck on it.


Wow. Your finger looks nice and thick and satisfying. Almost as satisfying as a cock. Except of course it doesn’t unless you happen to be a genetic freak with gigantic cock-sized fingers who should definitely drop me an email.

‘Fingering’ implies that you only use one of them. It also sort of implies that the fingers are the most important part, which of course they’re not.

Any self-respecting pervert knows that what this should really be called is ‘using your hands to fuck me and generally mess around with my genitals in a variety of interesting ways until I squeal and bite through your shoulder.’ Although I guess that has the downside of being impossible to contain within a tweet or sexy text message.

Smash her back doors in

If there are breaky noises then you are definitely doing it wrong.

While we’re on the subject you might ‘get laid’, but you never ever ‘smash it.’ No matter how you generally rate a good fuck (based on romance, enthusiasm, inventiveness, or simply the ability to remain erect despite having a decent view of my face with the top light on), I don’t think anyone alive enjoys it more if it’s accompanied by the sound of a shattering pelvis.


  • Mags says:

    Also “do”.

    “I’m going to do you”.

    No, no you’re not…you’re goimg to DO SOMETHING TO me…please explain what that is in a full and frank manner, using words of more than one syllable if possible. And it. Repeatedly.

    Unless you are Prince singing “Do Me Baby” , in which case, I’m fucking wet, I’m fucking ready and I am going to fucking do you in a myriad of ways.

    • girlonthenet says:

      I might have to disagree on this. For some reason ‘do you’ is just dismissive and controlling enough that it hits a certain part of my brain that fizzes and makes me dribble a bit. Or perhaps it’s the ‘I’m going to…’ that is the crucial element of that sentence.

      Also, you know, I may have VERY OCCASIONALLY been known to stop a man from giving me head so I can pull him up to my face, turn his head and whisper ‘do me do me do me’ in his ear. I’m classy like that.

    • Mags says:

      Vive la difference and all that…though now you’ve made me imagine “do me do me do me” I may be wavering slightly…no, I think in a similar situation , I would and have said ” Fuck me please.. I need you inside me now”

    • M says:

      “do” is fine, in context.

      particularly as an instruction.

  • jjdaddyo says:

    … and what’s all this talk about “bonking” (or “boinking” here in the US)?
    During the confluence of our lustful souls (and sexyparts) is something supposed to make a “BONK!” noise? And why would it go BONK over there and BOINK over here?

  • Mark says:

    Surely,shit this sounds serious,this just backs up G Greer’s view that most terms for sex relate to violence and control. fuck you,do you(a cup of coffee and a scone preferably!),shag,screw etc are all dominant phrases designed to support male superiority.This surely accounts for the repulsive and not in the least bit sexy “smash”.But is the alternative bland language? I’m not going to fuck you “I’ll rhythmically insert and retract my penis in a manner i hope pleases”.Not quite the same, Or we go Yiddish,I want to schtupp you.Cute but silly. Sometimes even if you love and or respect the other person wanting to “do them” is just right.

    • girlonthenet says:

      Allow me to stick my unnecessarily feisty oar in, but – why are you assuming that it is only men using these dominant words? Or, more subtly, why do you assume that words like ‘do’, ‘fuck’, ‘screw’ etc are inherently male?

      I’ve screwed some dudes in my time, and would never have seen myself as inherently masculine for using dominant language. OK, so generally these words have been used in more masculine contexts in the past, but by assuming that they are inherently masculine you perpetrate the idea that men are the active participants in sex and women the passive.

      I’m pissed, though, yeah? So if none of this makes sense then just call me a dick and have done with it.

  • Mark says:

    I’m not assuming they are other than like you pointing out they traditionally are. Trust me a woman whispering they are going to fuck,screw,do, shag,shaft,suck even schtupp you senseless is a good good thing.

  • Mark says:

    Ps good bit of blogging for someone shitfaced!

  • M says:

    also, I’m blown away that somebody might say “smash [her] back doors in” and think it might be in any way arousing at all. and by “blown away” I mean “struggling to wrap my tiny little mind around the concept”.

    “burgled” would be a better euphemism in every respect, and it’s rubbish.

  • Mr Archer says:

    Where I come from, we have these words: “merk”, and “mash”, or rather “mashing ting”. A girl said “mash” to me, once, years ago, and I think it still is the most unsexy thing you can call fucking. My two pence.

  • C.B.B says:

    Sober: I’m going to slowly and deliberate, slide deep into you Until you’re filled and your hips grind back onto mine.

    Pissed: I’m gonna pound you into atoms.

  • Nathan says:

    I once had a drunk girl saying she wanted to ‘ride my schlong’.

    I know I shouldn’t have laughed quite as hard as I did, but can you blame me?

  • Nick says:

    “‘Fingering’ implies that you only use one of them.”

    It doesn’t when you’re talking about guitar fingering. Why should it here?

    Anyway, pedantry aside, nicely written. I’m a recent convert to your blog, though I do find the content somewhat… distracting. In a good way.

  • Jo says:

    Eurgh….I absolutely DETEST the ‘smash her back doors in’ phrase. It’s tacky and not even funny let alone ‘sexy’.

    So glad I’m not the only one who thinks this!!

  • Bart says:

    O surely we are missing the classic “I’m gonna jump your bones” oh how sexy n romantic that is. S&M surely not that far away?

  • Lucia says:

    Finger fuck me. That’s my favourite.
    I always demand three too. Politely

  • UpsidedownM says:

    Your personal takes on the examples is interesting because although they don’t have the same connotations for me I understand your reasoning. It’s interesting to see that language, and how we use it, can express certain facets of our sexuality. The most obvious examples I guess are words that some may find degrading while others find them massively horn inducing.
    Slut… Such a sharp word that reminds me of bending a lady over the knee and spanking, the sound of the word becomes almost poetic, onomatopoeic, the sound of the word chimes with the briskness of the ‘thwack’. The final ‘t’ sounds also just rolls off the tongue and the mouthy contortions required to pronounce the word correctly just set my brain to some primal state of begging to make better use of said mouth. The sharpness of the word also, for me, implies the utility/object-ness of the person called it. It lacks any ‘fluffiness’ and just simply says you are there to pleasure me. God, I love sluts.

    As for your examples that I differ on:

    ‘Lick her out’: I can sympathise with the view that, in a way, it can summarise what could represent poor sexual performance. But, for me I’m very much aware of what I’m doing. I’m giving in to pure unadulterated lust. It says I need to taste her, her physical expression of sex, I need as much of her taste as I can get; it is licking ‘out’ because I’ll be licking as deep as I can in and out just to experience her ‘sex’.
    As your rather wonderful blog makes clear, you are a ‘fuckee’, somewhere must be filled. For me, I’m a well rounded oral perv. I don’t generally have a preference what goes in where when it comes to oral sex but I’m weakened at the knees by the deliberateness of the pleasure inflicted by/upon oral sex by the giver. The relative lack of physical pleasure for the giver lets me know she is a filthy minded little bitch who gets off so much mentally from giving pleasure that she will always be eager to please. Being of a similar ilk and fucking loving it; enthusiasm rocks my cock off.
    Apologies for the poor rambly expression above. I appear to be suffering minor (errr, I mean major) blood loss from the brain. I shall move on.

    ‘Blowjob’: Meh. Not fussed either way. I’m not that bothered by it as a term, it doesn’t float nor sink me. The ‘job’ bit can sound a bit fun, duty bound to pleasure etc but generally it’s my casual throwaway word for ‘suck my cock now please’ .
    I’m not sure how true this is (I suggest as a skeptic you verify this ;) ) but I believe the etymology of the word ‘blowjob’ comes from a polite term originally used by sex workers in whatever-oldey-some-times. Apparently it comes from offering the service of the ‘below job’. Now that to me sounds way too formal, and not in the good dress up as a slut in pencil skirt and glasses combo.

    ‘Fingering’: This I like. Once again it implies deliberateness. It takes fairly selfless skill to make a puny finger blow a ladies mind. The simplicity of fingering a G-spot is precise (feeling it swell from fingering – *Purr*) ; as a giver it fills me with sexual confidence, I’m so fucking good and sexy I can make a lady quiver even while impersonating E.T.

    ‘Smash her back door in’: Reminds me of the police (once again, not in a good way with cuffs and shit). It implies a battering ram and what seems a really shitty basic idea of sex. Just aiming to be in. I aim higher than just entry as sexual fulfilment.

    I probably have more to say but I’ve heard priapisms can result in the loss of vitals. That would seriously piss me off. So, fantastic blog, thanks for the reads and keep it up!

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